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Newly diagnosed. All the feelings!

raspberry

Firstly, thank you so much for letting me be here :) 

To cut a verry long story short, I am a 31 female who has struggled with mental health since my early teens (anxiety, self harming) and developed a severe and treatment resistant eating disorder in my twenties which I still struggle with but is atypical in the sense that it's less based about weight and food types but routine and to feel safe. I always ended up discharged from services for not complying even though I'd love to get better. 

I went back to my GP at the end of last year for "anxiety" stuff but its never felt that is all there was to my rubbish mental health. It felt like my last attempt and I was expecting to be shrugged off without any psychological help once again. I saw a new, young doctor who raised the possibilty of autism which is something I have never even thought about before. I have since gone through the referral and lengthy assessment and last week was disgnosed with asd (aspergers) and am currently waiting on my report which comes in 2-4 weeks. I was told she doesn't usually tell people on the day but is so certain that I am on the spectrum. I am aware how lucky I am that a) the doctor picked up on it b) I went from referral to diagnosis in five months.

The specialist picked up on just how much I've learnt to overcompensate for my difficulties which leaves me very anxious and self conscious. I didn't know what masking was or that was what I have been doing all these years. It all just makes sense! 

I initially felt such a sense of shock and relief that there was a reason why I struggle so much in life and am very dependent on my parents and find it so tricky to make and with making and maintain friendships. I also struggle to regulate emotions and feel very much without knowing what to do with the unidentifiable feelings. I also felt incredibly worried I have faked it and fooled the specialist, scared of being labelled as stupid (even though I am very aware I'm not, I come across very awkward!) I felt grief for the past me who has struggled so much but without understanding why, angry at mental health services who have always sent me away again as 'I function'. I feel I am now starting to feel thankful and that this diagnosis may be the best thing that could happen. I do feel like an imposter on this forum though. I can definitely relate to other people's feelings of loneliness. 

I work very happily as a teaching assistant in a primary school and my head of school and deputy knows about the diagnosis after a meltdoknow few months ago! They've been fab so far (explains why I appear awkward and anxious with people I know less well) although I am wary, change is always happening in school and I am not sure they appreciate how much it throws me. I didn't disclose to collegues because I do not want to be thought of any differently. Thank you again for letting me word vomit as I try to get my head around it :) 

  • You're Very welcome here?! It always takes awhile to get your head around the dx and the things linked to that. 

    You are certainly not an imposter. Most adults struggled since childhood, but never thought of themselves as anything else than normal people, which we are.:)

  • Welcome! And it's very nice to hear that you have met a really good GP, and through the diagnosis found some answers to your struggles in life. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I think I found a lot of self-understanding from my diagnosis as well. Welcome to the forum, and it would be great to hear more from you.

  • Welcome to the forum. It's good to hear that your Head of school has been so understanding, and that the diagnosis seems to be helping you. I'm a female in my 50s and didn't know until around 3 years ago that I was an Aspie, but it did explain a lot. I worked as a special needs teaching assistant for 5 years when I was young, mainly with 7-8 year olds and it was very rewarding, although stressful at times. I was told that I was very sensitive to the needs of the pupils.

    I now work part time in an office and the partners who own the company were very understanding when I explained about my Aspergers after I found out - I emailed them a short synopsis of how it affects me to enable them to understand. Most of my colleagues know now too as I have been quite open about it and I think it's helped some of them understand why I don't go to their Christmas party.

    One of my special interests is diet and nutrition. I hope you don't mind me asking, but I wondered what you mean about routine and feeling safe? Is it that you need to eat at certain times and don't like eating in publIc? I remember reading a thread or article a while back where a woman who had an eating disorder said that when she was in a specialist unit one of the rules she had to follow was not washing/ wiping her hands if they had food on them, which sounded a bit odd to me.I love food (although there are some foods I don't like, but not many!) and if stressed I will usually comfort eat, but I have mild OCD and if I get food on my hands I will have to wash them immediately after eating (can't just wipe on a napkin, or lick them - yuk!). I will wrap a napkin around a cream cake to avoid getting cream on my hands, and I eat naan bread with a knife and fork because I don't like touching the greasiness. Don't worry if you don't feel comfortable talking about it though, there's no pressure on here. Enjoy looking around and reading other threads.