Published on 12, July, 2020
It occurred to me when reading a post recently that adult Aspies sometimes seem to have spent so many years masking, mimicking & changing their behaviour to fit in that their "real" self has become subsumed by a "fake" self, or they feel they no longer actually have a real identity. I think that by reading accounts of the traits of other Aspies we can identify with some of them, and this can help to rebuild a sense of self. So I'm going to start with a list of Aspie traits that are "me" and I hope others will join in.
I have a an good long term memory, good eye for detail and pattern recognition. I have an interest in language and could read and spell well from an early age.I've always been clumsy with poor coordination and struggled to write neatly at school, and I still hate writing now but I like typing.
I have a history of struggling in work situations and moving on to another job when I can no longer cope. I have had times when I missed work a lot due to stress. I have never enjoyed meetings and work social events. I get frustrated if I get too many things to do at once. I don't like talking on phones. I don't like being observed, photographed or filmed.
I have never had a lot of friends and used to be a people pleaser, while resenting the fact that other people took advantage of me. I am good in one to one situations but have difficulty in group situations and find it uncomfortable when there are several different conversations going on. I am often bored in social situations but can talk endlessly about a topic of my own interest. I have often "burned bridges" with family and friend relationships because I just don't see that I have anything in common with them and trying to continue just seems a bit of a strain on both sides.
I am very sensitive to strong emotions in others and can be influenced by them. I have a high sensitivity to touch and cut the tags out of clothes. Certain smells really affect me. I hate people standing or sitting too close.
I hate the word "disorder" in the term ASD and refuse to be classified as "disabled". My perception of autism is that it is a label which refers mainly to the difficulties created for Aspies by social constructs, both physical - busy roads, supermarkets, offices, public transport, etc - and relational - being expected to want to join in with small talk, group activities, etc. We do have different patterns of thinking, but everyone is different. When we're alone we're not autistic. We are unique individuals who add to the total of human experiences. I like Temple Grandin's observation - if it weren't for the creativity and innovation of autistic people, the human race would still be standing around in caves making small talk.
I think there is a deeper wordless part of me that knows but since most worldly activities haven't really involved listening to that part it does need freeing up. The closest I come to a sense of a "real self", if there is one, is when I'm walking or sitting almost meditatively in the garden. I suppose these are the times when i feel safe enough, which also amounts to saying that in many other circumstances i simply haven't felt safe enough to be myself. At times it has genuinely felt as though I was being circled by sharks who had the scent of blood and were waiting for me to make a wrong move. So it's as if I've always needed a strong, protective "top dressing", with the uppermost question in my mind being not, "What do i want to do?" but "What am i supposed to do in order to survive here?"
The tree analogy appeals strongly. In office work i always felt like an imposter wondering what I had to do not to be found out. Over the years the mask built up and when i finally left I kept getting mental images of massive branches and the whole upper part of a huge tree crashing down, withered and dried in front of me. You could say that accountancy was the graft that never took. What I had left was a stump. But it was ALIVE. And so much of the past few years has involved nurturing that stump and any new growth is seen as precious because it's real. I'm still not sure I can put who I am into words though. I simply see new green shoots and feel more aligned with myself. i also have the vague impression of a very tall tree waiting to form.
Jenny Butterfly said:So it's as if I've always needed a strong, protective "top dressing", with the uppermost question in my mind being not, "What do i want to do?" but "What am i supposed to do in order to survive here?"
I'm similar - I spent my whole life guessing what I was supposed to do to fit in. I excelled at my career because I'd never considered doing anything else. I was completely hollow and concentrated on being perfect for everyone around me. I minimised myself out of my own life until it all came to a crashing halt with meningitis.
I've had to re-evaluate my priorities since then. I physically can't be the person I was so I'm having to work out a lot of things about priorities and who I am and what and why I'm doing things.
Yes, my career was in some ways similar. But in my case although outwardly it appeared successful, really I was struggling.
One of the issues was bridging the gap between academic learning and real workplace situations. I passed all of my accountancy exams but invariably in an office something would come up for which I'd feel totally unprepared. I could feel that, with me being a qualified accountant ostensibly in a managment role, the expectation was that I would be able to perform consistently at that level. In fact things kept changing and I found it hard to keep readjusting - new IT systems, reorganisations, revised standards, new directors with new approaches etc. And work would be given to me which seemed commensurate with the grade but which left me thinking, "Wait a minute. Where was that in the textbooks? How'm I supposed to know that?" Sometimes I even had to feign illness, which felt more acceptable than inability to perform.
The sense of hollowness sounds familiar. When I got those mental images of large branches crashing down, they were dead and empty inside. And I felt tremendous relief to see them go. I spent my last few years as an accountant slowly retraining in counselling, even though at the start i didn't realise that that was what I was doing. I thought I was just doing a couple of interpersonal skills courses to help me to perform in my management role. Not sure why i thought that. It was as if I'd thoroughly accepted a level of programming that made it hard to see what was really going on. When i was inevitably made redundant for the third time, I found myself half qualified as a counsellor and with the possiblity of being real in my new line of work.
Re-evaluating priorities is central, i think. My physical health poses limitations, as do the needs of my family. I sort of see it as a work-in-progress.