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The wrong crowd

NAS61865

Hi my house mate of ten years is having the worse period I have ever known , He is 40 this year and I don't know whether that is a factor for his behaviour . In the last two years he has fallen in with people from hostels who have really just taken advantage of him in every way money wise . For my stupidity and because i care for him so much I have given him a lot of my own money which I don't have much i work full time but I'm silly enough to believe him when he says he needs money for certain things etc . But then i find out he is giving it away to these guys for drink and drugs . He only really bothers with one now which is a female and because of his aspergers he feels that women has always rejected him because of this and this girl giving him attention has made him fall for her . The only thing is she has a huge drink and drugs addiction which is heroin me and his mother who is in her 70s have both tried to get him away from her but with no luck . We have no support from anyone in our area we have tried everything but every time we try and get him away from her he loses his temper so much it is scary . This girl is bleeding him dry and she is trouble I had a guy outside my house the other day and I heard him threaten my housemate when i run out he was shaking with fear . I threatened this guy and nearly lost my cool but warned the guy off but we live in a lovely area with great neighbours and fear all this attention is gonna turn them against us . Please any advice on how we can get him away from people who just take advantage of him for his money etc because we really don't know where to turn and are scared he will be either beaten by these crowds or also get on the heroin himself . Any advice would be great thank you !

Parents

  • I wonder about the teaching aspect... I know this may sound silly but in my younger years I had the same issue. I had to personally work things out with my family and understand what real friends do and what fake friends do. One thing I learned was real friends do not take advantage, there will be times when a friend needs some help,but if they are a true friend they will not take advantage. I personally make a point now that if anyone takes any money from me, guaranteed I make a note and I will make it clear that it is not a gift, but a loan. If I receive the money back in the timescale I requested I may consider assistance in the future. If not, then no money will ever cross hands again and I will reassess my friendship with that person. 

    Also, I learned that relationships of any kind are a good balance of give and take. Both people have a right to set boundaries. It might be helpful to understand from his perspective what he thinks a friend actually is and what he feels he has to do in order to have a friend. Ask if he understand what a personal boundary is, explain in simple terms what a personal is.. it’s to protect him from getting hurt. I think he also needs to understand people with severe addictions are very manipulative people. It’s part of their illness to manipulate others to get what they want. He won’t see this because the only thing he will see is the pleasentries that go hand in hand with their manipulative behaviour 

Reply

  • I wonder about the teaching aspect... I know this may sound silly but in my younger years I had the same issue. I had to personally work things out with my family and understand what real friends do and what fake friends do. One thing I learned was real friends do not take advantage, there will be times when a friend needs some help,but if they are a true friend they will not take advantage. I personally make a point now that if anyone takes any money from me, guaranteed I make a note and I will make it clear that it is not a gift, but a loan. If I receive the money back in the timescale I requested I may consider assistance in the future. If not, then no money will ever cross hands again and I will reassess my friendship with that person. 

    Also, I learned that relationships of any kind are a good balance of give and take. Both people have a right to set boundaries. It might be helpful to understand from his perspective what he thinks a friend actually is and what he feels he has to do in order to have a friend. Ask if he understand what a personal boundary is, explain in simple terms what a personal is.. it’s to protect him from getting hurt. I think he also needs to understand people with severe addictions are very manipulative people. It’s part of their illness to manipulate others to get what they want. He won’t see this because the only thing he will see is the pleasentries that go hand in hand with their manipulative behaviour 

Children
  • in reply to Kirsty

    Hi thank you for your comment it really has helped , It is certainly not stupid what you are suggesting we do try and make him realize that friendship is a two way street he does sort of get that aspect but he has fallen for this girl and she knows it so is taking what she can when she can . We have not seen her all week which suggests to me she has had her benefits so don't need his money but I'm sure when that runs out she will be back . We are doing everything we can to get him from these people and I'm sure one day we will succeed but with a lot of stress for all parties . I really do appreciate your comments they all really have helped thank you .