Newly diagnosed at forty

Hi there.

Yes, I know what you're going through in many ways.  Getting the diagnosis was great... but then came all the questions.  And in many ways it's inevitable.  Any form of diagnosis throws up questions.  With autistic people, though (over-thinking and over-analysing being autistic traits) the questions can seem to multiply and cause more confusion.

To take your questions in order:

What kind of work do you do?  Do your employers know that you were waiting for a diagnosis?  It can be a tricky question.  Some people don't like to say anything to employers in case it prejudices them in some way - even though you have protections under the Equality Act 2010, making it illegal for them to discriminate against you on the grounds of disability.  On the other hand, if you say nothing and something happens as a result of your condition (a meltdown, for example), it could place you in a difficult situation because you hadn't disclosed anything.  Do you think your employers are likely  to be sympathetic to you?  If you do a good job, that's all that should matter to them. 

Check out the Autism Services Directory to see what support might be available to you in your area.  Also, speak to your GP.  If you feel you could benefit from counselling, for instance, you would need to see someone experienced with ASC.  Similarly, if you wanted some kind of therapy like CBT, there is an adapted version for autistic people. 

Talk to us here!  We get it!

Relationships between an autistic and a non-autistic can have their challenges, and there are plenty of threads on here that will testify to that.  What are the things that bother your husband particularly?  How open is he to discussing them and making allowances?  Check out, too, some of the information here.

Like most of us, you've probably gotten used to 'masking' to pass yourself off in social life and at work.  Getting that diagnosis can be a relief in that at last you have licence to drop the mask and be yourself.  Putting on an act for the neurotypical world can do us a lot of psychological damage.  People don't realise this.  It's like trying to be a dog in a world of dogs - except that you're a cat!  So rather than starting to 'act more autistic', you might find yourself no longer acting at all - just being your 'natural' autistic self instead.  This can take a lot of courage, though, and it may be something that you will want to give yourself plenty of time for.  Small steps.  Don't rush in headlong.

With your son, you have that common bond now that goes beyond the maternal.  You have the same neurological make-up.  Have you found yourself identifying with his traits over the years?  Have you found yourself in a position where he appears to be misbehaving, but you instinctively know why he's behaving that way?  Again, it might be worth talking to your GP about support.  Does your son get any support?  Is he in mainstream education?  Check this information out on Parents and Carers.

Do you think you will use your diagnosis as an excuse for your behaviour?  Maybe, as I said earlier, it will more likely enable you to behave 'naturally' now.  Other people can be all too keen to come at us with the 'Don't use your autism as an excuse' line, when actually the behaviour you're exhibiting may  be perfectly in keeping with your condition.

Every autistic person is a unique individual.  You know yourself and your thoughts, feelings and behaviours better than anyone.  You'll probably find, as many of us do, that you'll come to regard your autism as a fundamental aspect of your identity.  Which it is.

It's all probably quite overwhelming for you at the moment.  Try  to give yourself a little space, if you can.  Maybe try some relaxation techniques, Mindfulness, meditation, etc.

And keep coming here.  Read some of the related threads.  Talk to us.  We've all been there.

Take care,

Tom

Thank you so much for your reply. It was so thoughtful and so helpful and now I am crying. 

I am a primary school music teacher and I struggle in the morning before I start teaching. I usually have about half and hour and I don't know what I can realistically do in that amount of time and therefore I end up winding myself up. This is the time when I am most prone to meltdowns.

I feel completely on edge all the time. I am binge watching Grey's Anatomy as the familiarity of it helps to calm me down. I do have to check online to know what's going to happen.

My son won't get an e h c p as he is making progress . His teacher is great with him.

His autism seems to be opposite to mine at times. I like everything completely tidy and organised. He collects junk and other things. I like to get things done as soon as possible. He is a massive procrastinator and gets distracted so very easily. 

I'm glad to be of help if I can.  

I don't know how accommodating the education sector can be.  Very accommodating, I would hope - though I don't expect that's always the case.  There are other teachers and academics on here who might share their experiences with you.  You have a right to ask for 'reasonable adjustments' once (and if) you disclose your condition.

Anxiety can be pretty much a default condition - even if it's at a low level most of the time.  We get used to having it.  I work in care, in a day centre for people with physical and learning disabilities.  I'm fine once the service users arrive and I can get into their world.  It's the 'before' and 'after' periods, when I'm around other staff, that I'm on edge a lot of the time.  I'm a film buff, and I find that putting a film on can keep me engaged and calm for a few hours.

Really glad to hear about your son.  So many autistic children don't get the support they need in education, and a huge percentage are in the wrong schools.  Exclusions can be a huge problem.

He sounds a bit like me.  Very tidy and organised.  I like to get things done quickly and properly - but I'm also good at procrastination, and am easily distracted.  That's why films are good, because I can keep a focus.  I'm pretty certain I have ADHD, but I haven't been diagnosed.  All the signs were there at school, though.  I only got diagnosed 4 years ago, at age 56.  Better late than never!

You might find this interesting - and maybe empowering! - if you haven't seen it before:

Aspienwomen: Moving Towards an adult female profile of Autism/Asperger Syndrome

You might find this interesting - and maybe empowering! - if you haven't seen it before:

Aspienwomen: Moving Towards an adult female profile of Autism/Asperger Syndrome