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Have I always been this way?

Good for you I guess

If you have read my old posts you might think that I am just repeating myself here, but I'm not.

Since diagnosis, a year ago, I have noticed myself acting like, for want of a better word, a retard. (Sorry if this word offends anyone, it may well be censored anyway, but it is the word I have used in my own mind to formulate this thought). To continue, not only have I noticed this, but I've noticed others noticing it. 

Someone on this site told me that, being newly diagnosed, I am likely to see everything as an autistic person and notice autistic traits more in myself. They compared it to buying a new car and then seeing the same car everywhere.

But I do not ask was I autistic before I received a diagnosis. I ask, did I act like a retard before I noticed it. I only noticed it after diagnosis. Did other people notice it?

Basically, my main question is, did I always act like this? Could it be that I am only now realising it?

Once again, I'm very sorry if the wording I've used is offensive no anyone. I couldn't think of another word to express my thoughts.

  • You have always been autistic, but that doesn't mean that in all circumstances you have acted the same way.

    Your 'real' self will undoubtedly have come out at times.  But probably more than you realise, you have been 'acting' a part by 'masking' your autistic traits to appear more 'normal'.  And this very act of trying to be something you are not can cause severe anxiety and depression.

    I know when I was first diagnosed, I 'dropped' the mask a lot more and the 'real' me came out.  People then said that I had 'changed' a lot but it was not that I had changed its just that I no longer found the need to act.

    You may also start seeing characteristics in other people that make you wonder if they are autistic.  But one or two traits do not an autistic person make, it is just that you are trying to find what similarities other people have to you.  A game that I tried doing was seeing if I could see autistic traits in famous people or characters in television, films or books. This game has been played on this forum several times.

    Don't be upset with yourself about seeing traits you may not like.  "The gift to gae us, to see our selves as others see us" We might not like the way we look or sound, but that is us, others get used to it and although they might think we are strange they know what we are like, even if they want to change us.  And if others cannot accept us for what we are it is their problem not ours.

  • I am mid-diagnosis, waiting for the NHS ASC tests, and know some things from my background reading/contacts:-

    1.  I have always had traits/behaviours that can be seen as Autism/Asperger's which are much worse when I am under stress/Anxiety/Pressure.

    2.  As I have no parents around, I have to go on memories, sayings to me and where I can see a common nature thread to my behaviours.

    3.  I see it as a strength in my character/personality and others see me as eccentric (because I self- deprecate which includes calling myself mad).

    My philosophy, as brought up, is that everybody is different and with some more visible disabilities (Physical from birth or due to accidents) then they did not ask to be born/hurt like that.  So, if others think I am something that they make fun of then it is THEIR problem not mine.  

    I remember the 70's/80's "care in the community" homes in my area and some of the people living there were treated shoddily by the kids but there was lots of great character's there that I always got on with (some even asked after me after I left the town).