I'll start off with when things went very bad for me for the first time in my life, eight years ago. I moved abroad to study but really to stay there permanently. Not only have I been living in another country for the first time, but also living without my family, with my partner for the first time (it felt early for this but it made sense financially so...), having to adjust to university straight after school... I also struggled financially a lot, which impacted my degree in the sense that I couldn't enjoy it and get relevant unpaid work experience. I've finished studying on schedule though, stressing about getting a good job afterwards due to the bad financial situation. Not working in my field hasn't helped with the search.
I went through several jobs until I got to the field I'm in now and I think I'll stay in for a while. Which is when it all started to get so bad for me. Anxiety and panic attacks, oversensitive senses causing meltdowns, insomnia, crying, depressive states, exhaustion, anger and so much more. I struggled for a long time before admitting to myself and my partner I need help. Went on medication, a while after started CBT. In the meantime I moved cities and jobs, but continued with the previous regime as I could do therapy over the phone with the same therapist. Got off the meds in the meantime. Then, the job I moved for got atrocious and gave me so much stress for the first time in years. I've had to change it again, going through the whole stress of interviews and so on. Found a much better role, around the same time my therapist said I'm doing well now and can be weaned off therapy. So I finished around Christmas time, then started the new job in January.
The new job is fine, much less stressful and friendly. I'm earning more, although I need to pay off some debt first, but still. I live in a great city, have a loving relationship and I'm healthy. Plus I'm healthy because I finished treatment right? My problem is, I still don't feel excellent despite knowing I'm doing fine. Therapy addressed my bad mental patterns and helped me go through the stress of the previous job. I'm more confident and mature.
But I still struggle so much with myself. I am so sensitive to noise and I feel awful about it. I hate working in an open plan office. I need so much alone time. I get annoyed by people being inconsiderate, noisy and by crowds in general, which is a pain as I live in London now. I feel like I never have enough time for things and feel exhausted sometimes, even though I take a lot of care to do the good things: exercise, sleep, eating well, meditation etc. I've asked for medical tests recently following this period of extended stress and I'm healthy. But I still have meltdowns sometimes. I feel like there is still something not right with me, and I can't just accept myself the way I am now and be happy. Because I struggle so much with little things, feel overwhelmed sometimes and it feels that there's something lacking to help me understand what is going on. I've suspected I may be on the autism spectrum for a while, but at this point feel scared to admit it because everything's been revolving around me and my health for at least three years now and not only it's exhausting (and my partner is seriously fatigued by this) but I'm afraid it's too much to be looking for another diagnosis since I have GAD? I feel that I put this expectation on myself that now I'm healthy and everything will be fine, but as it isn't, I'm three times harsher on myself than I was when getting treatment. I've read a bit about the autistic meltdown and I do wonder if this is what I'm going through now.
I'm not asking for diagnosis here. But my question is, does anybody have similar experiences of going through a hurdle when really that hurdle has been caused by ASD really rather than a mental illness? How do you know you should persevere and seek diagnosis, especially if some people close to you are saying you think about your health too much and should stop and learn to live normally now? Have you found a diagnosis beneficial or do you regret getting it?
Thank you.
