Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I'm new here after a bit of a crazy week wrapping my head around the fact I might be autistic. My therapist (for anxiety disorder) recommended I looked at autism in females and took some preliminary tests. I went home and scored 174/200 on the RAADS-R, 154 on RDOS, and 36 on AQ. I grew up with an autistic family member and honestly it just floored me to see the results for myself. I didn't realise how much I had been hiding it and what it looked like in someone who is "functioning" with no other physical disabilities or learning difficulties.
I thought the way I thought was normal and somehow everyone was just succeeding at controlling their brains more than me.
I thought my anxiety/depression days were just bad mental health days to power through and be eradicated, not my brain actually shutting down and protecting me from the over-stimulus of the outside world.
I thought everyone followed the rules of socialising better than me (make eye contact, don't fidget, don't go into detail, don't talk so much about your interests, ask questions about them, etc)....I didn't realise other people were doing this from instinct!
I could go on. It's like learning the whole world is not what you thought it was at all. All my struggles to stick at jobs and uni were just me FAILING at something everyone else manages. Now I realise just how hard I have been trying for 32 years to keep up with what comes much easier to other people. I am a smart woman and I thought I had to work out everything myself. If only I thought enough about my anxiety and meltdowns, I could control my brain into never having them. I read aspergirls and just cried. It's all about me!
I have gone through so many emotions this week, shock, denial, acceptance, fear that actually I will turn out to NOT be autistic and then I will be alone again, never fitting in. Ugh.
Anyway, I am feeling overall positive but have really struggled to function this week with the huge amount of emotion and information I've gone through. I am going to my GP next week with a letter from my psychologist, test results and a list of the things I now realise are not NT traits and struggles. I am nervous that I won't get referred, any advice?
I'm looking forward to getting to know you all better!
I've always known I'm different, just by how othere treated me or isolated me. People over the past few years have asked if I'm autistic, at first I scoffed at the suggestion. An autistic professional that talked to me at a bus station, left me feeling numb, in shock and questioning everything as my entire life flashed past me, things that had confused me so much in my life, began to make sense. I began to realise why others had thought me retarded, despite my intellectual loftiness. I had no idea that autistic people can also have good intelligence. Then as I explored this, I found admitting that I'm vulnerable very hard. I'd created this tough exterior that growled to keep bad people away, but when situations reached points where violence was imminent, the pretence collapsed and confusion set in, I struggle with violent situations and become very submissive. I've stopped with facades and have just accepted that I'm autistic and all of those defence mechanisms that I didn't mean to have, now stripped, the vulberabilities are amplified and I admit that this scares me. Being taken advantage of, led into situations unsuspectingly, etc. People are so friendly and I don't know when they are faking it or are being genuine. This has caused me to be suspicious of intentions in everyone and I'm scared to interact for fear of being taken advantage of. People touching me, even those I don't feel comfortable around and I feel unable to stop them. I also fail when it comes to seeking help, because I don't know how or who to ask. Efforts have been unsuccessful, you should talk to them, ah sorry, but we don't deal with that, try over there or call this person. Being pushed around with no results or getting lost and confused with red tape discourages me. Only in my mid 30's was this autism brought to my attention. Interviews, I have done alone, but shouldn't have. Just because, there are signs of intelligence, you somehow aren't a vulnerable person that can be misled or taken advantage of. It came as a shock to me, admitting that I've got aspergers syndrome and have serious vulnerabilities. At least you are now aware and can do something lass.
I hope one day soon I can access support where I can understand more about what is going on and see if there are any measures that can help me cope more effectively with this.