Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I'm new here after a bit of a crazy week wrapping my head around the fact I might be autistic. My therapist (for anxiety disorder) recommended I looked at autism in females and took some preliminary tests. I went home and scored 174/200 on the RAADS-R, 154 on RDOS, and 36 on AQ. I grew up with an autistic family member and honestly it just floored me to see the results for myself. I didn't realise how much I had been hiding it and what it looked like in someone who is "functioning" with no other physical disabilities or learning difficulties.
I thought the way I thought was normal and somehow everyone was just succeeding at controlling their brains more than me.
I thought my anxiety/depression days were just bad mental health days to power through and be eradicated, not my brain actually shutting down and protecting me from the over-stimulus of the outside world.
I thought everyone followed the rules of socialising better than me (make eye contact, don't fidget, don't go into detail, don't talk so much about your interests, ask questions about them, etc)....I didn't realise other people were doing this from instinct!
I could go on. It's like learning the whole world is not what you thought it was at all. All my struggles to stick at jobs and uni were just me FAILING at something everyone else manages. Now I realise just how hard I have been trying for 32 years to keep up with what comes much easier to other people. I am a smart woman and I thought I had to work out everything myself. If only I thought enough about my anxiety and meltdowns, I could control my brain into never having them. I read aspergirls and just cried. It's all about me!
I have gone through so many emotions this week, shock, denial, acceptance, fear that actually I will turn out to NOT be autistic and then I will be alone again, never fitting in. Ugh.
Anyway, I am feeling overall positive but have really struggled to function this week with the huge amount of emotion and information I've gone through. I am going to my GP next week with a letter from my psychologist, test results and a list of the things I now realise are not NT traits and struggles. I am nervous that I won't get referred, any advice?
I'm looking forward to getting to know you all better!
Hello,
I've been through a similar experience to you. I've suffered with anxiety and panic attacks all my adult life (I'm nearly 50) and always felt that something had happened to me to make me this way. I've seen various therapists but never really got to the bottom of it. I work with SEN children and a couple of years ago, I read 'Odd Girl Out' to help me from a work perspective and it resonated so strongly with me. To say the realisation that I could be autistic hit me like a sledgehammer is an understatement. I cried for two days making lists of why I felt so strongly I could be autistic. I also felt incredibly stupid after working with so many SEN children and not joining the dots. I saw my GP who barely glanced at my list before agreeing to refer me for an assessment. It took 18 months from start to finish but I finally received my report this week with confirmation that I meet the criteria for a diagnosis of ASD. I'm not sure how to feel at the moment or who to tell. I'm just sitting with it, almost trying it on until I decide my next step. I have found this forum to be supportive and informative so I'll continue to browse as I know lots of others understand what I'm going through at the moment.