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Learning to like myself - sharing experiences of autistic 'journeys'

Andrew

I am 46 and was only diagnosed with autism last year. At the time I as diagnosed, I felt quite relieved as it explained why I have suffered from depression and social anxiety since I was a child. However, I didn't know how the diagnosis would affect the rest of my life. In some ways it felt like a huge thing and in other ways quite minor.

Nearly a year after being diagnosed it feels as if I am learning to like myself. By reading a few interesting books about autism and learning a lot more about it, I have realised that I have lots of strengths as well as challenges from autism. For example, at work I am completely reliable and always deliver my work on time. I make a huge effort to get on with other people - probably because I have to consciously work at social interaction - which means that I am good at dealing with different types of people.

In my personal life, the relationships that I have with my partner, friends and family have improved. I have accepted that I am different from most people I know. For example, I only have a small number of friends but they are very close to me. i used to compare myself to other people and wonder why they had so many friends compared to me. i used to think that other people were much better socially, but now I realise that because I am a bit different, sometimes people really like spending time with me.

I am sharing this as I thought it might help others when they are going through difficult times. I have found a lot more peace in my life since I started accepting myself for who I am. Yes I am different from most people I know - but I am now much more aware of things that I like in life (going to the cinema, a country walk, a meal with family) and things that I don't enjoy (drinking alcohol, large groups or crowds of people, loud noises...). 

I wonder if anyone has had similar experiences to me in terms of coming to terms with who you are and liking yourself? In some ways the autism diagnosis has completely changed my life as I am happier now. In other ways I probably don't seem that different to other people - ti is just that I have a lot less anxiety and I enjoy being a bit quirky and weird. I have no idea what will happen over the next year but so far I am really happy that I have been diagnosed as the more you know about yourself, the more you can do something about it to enjoy life. 

If anyone has had a similar experience with their journey I would be really interested to hear about it or even to meet up to compare notes. Good luck to anyone going through difficult times - just remember that there are lots of sympathetic people out there and there is lots of help available. You are not alone and things will get better. 

Parents

  • I think I like myself equally as much as I hate myself.

    i'm 52, diagnosed 10 years ago. I'm a twin (he's NT) so from an early age I had a correct model to copy and build a labrary of correct behaviours.  I soon was analysing those behaviours and seeing the randomness & chaos of everybody else and so I learnt to see through every action and do the right thing. This meant I was effectively improving on everything and becoming more perfect.  I was singled out as special in infant school because I was so advanced.

    In secondary school and onwards I measured that big, unusual personalities were admired and not bullied so I became the biggest personality - faked learning some instruments and formed the school rock group.

    In the work environment, my eidetic memory meant I could do more than anyone else, better than anyone else so at 22 I was working for ESA in Belgium commissioning satellite ground stations.

    Unfortunately, I jumped jobs a few times and ended up in a company that was all politics over capability. They paid me a bucketful of cash but the environment was terrible.

    That's when my compulsion to do the right thing was used against me and I became ill with the stress. With a young family, I needed the money and my health meant I couldn't jump to a new  job, so that's when I really began to hate myself and my inability to 'play the game'.  It's when I really started to identfy my weaknesses and my vulnerabilities of people using and manipulating me.

    It's when I realised that I was too good. I didn't have the character flaws that NTs have. I hold myself to a very high standard of integrity, much higher than any NT I've ever met.  That means I'm an easy target for users and liars.

    My mask presents a perpetual 'nice chap' to the outside and my inability to decifer emotions means I look like a good listener - but the real me is a total mess on the inside.  I've presented the mask for so long while minimising the real me that I cannot identify myself any more.  As any 'need' is a vulnerability, I've minimised those too until I've reduced myself internally to nothing.

    None of this is healthy.  It means I identfy closer to a machine than a human. I'm reliable, efficient and need no maintenance. Apparently.  Best fit is Mr Data from STNG.

    I've achieved things in my life that most people couldn't imagine and it's my AS that has made that happen.

    I like my abilities and young outlook but I hate my vulnerabilities.

  • in reply to Plastic
    Plastic said:
    I've achieved things in my life that most people couldn't imagine and it's my AS that has made that happen.

    I really would love to be able to say that.

    I suppose if I had been a high-achiever (in the way that society makes that assessment), then I might feel better about myself.

    I know I have achieved things.  I managed to overcome failure at school and consignment to the scrapheap, and later go on to get a degree.  Not that it's done anything for me career-wise (though that's not the reason I did it - I simply wanted to get some education). 

    But I haven't achieved what I wanted to achieve.  Not by a long, long shot. And this has nothing to do with societal perceptions and expectations.  It's about personal sense of achievement.

    I've always been a late-starter, though.  Still time, maybe.

  • in reply to Martian Tom

    I wouldn't beat yourself up too much - in my assessment of people, almost all of them fail to live up to their own expectations - they just brag a lot to make themselves sound better that they realy are.

    I remember Friends Reunited back in the day seeing what my peers ended up doing - I was shocked at the low levels of success - I can only assume they were happy in other ways.

    Fundamentally, it's what credit cards were invented for - "Rubbish job? No money? - Then get into debt buying yourself some happiness you can't afford!!".

  • in reply to Plastic

    Haha, yeah!

    Success is a relative term, of course.  In our society, it seems to have quite narrow and specific definitions... and mostly connected to financial and material wealth.  I think a lot of people feel 'failures' because of not meeting these standards. 

    I'm reasonably content with not earning much because I don't need a lot of money  to live - as long as I keep within Mr Micawber's principle!  It would, perhaps, be nice to be able to afford a bit more space and a bit more flexibility.  Primarily, though, it's about being able to make a living out of what I love doing: my life's passion.  I've gotten close to the tree a few times, but have never quite been able to reach the fruit.  Again, it wouldn't necessarily be about fame and wealth.  Just being able to do it, and not have to do anything else.  Not have to clutter my head and time up with stuff that I don't really want to know or do, but have to to make ends meet.

    As you say, though... I'm in a crowded boat there.

Reply
  • in reply to Plastic

    Haha, yeah!

    Success is a relative term, of course.  In our society, it seems to have quite narrow and specific definitions... and mostly connected to financial and material wealth.  I think a lot of people feel 'failures' because of not meeting these standards. 

    I'm reasonably content with not earning much because I don't need a lot of money  to live - as long as I keep within Mr Micawber's principle!  It would, perhaps, be nice to be able to afford a bit more space and a bit more flexibility.  Primarily, though, it's about being able to make a living out of what I love doing: my life's passion.  I've gotten close to the tree a few times, but have never quite been able to reach the fruit.  Again, it wouldn't necessarily be about fame and wealth.  Just being able to do it, and not have to do anything else.  Not have to clutter my head and time up with stuff that I don't really want to know or do, but have to to make ends meet.

    As you say, though... I'm in a crowded boat there.

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