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Learning to like myself - sharing experiences of autistic 'journeys'

Andrew

I am 46 and was only diagnosed with autism last year. At the time I as diagnosed, I felt quite relieved as it explained why I have suffered from depression and social anxiety since I was a child. However, I didn't know how the diagnosis would affect the rest of my life. In some ways it felt like a huge thing and in other ways quite minor.

Nearly a year after being diagnosed it feels as if I am learning to like myself. By reading a few interesting books about autism and learning a lot more about it, I have realised that I have lots of strengths as well as challenges from autism. For example, at work I am completely reliable and always deliver my work on time. I make a huge effort to get on with other people - probably because I have to consciously work at social interaction - which means that I am good at dealing with different types of people.

In my personal life, the relationships that I have with my partner, friends and family have improved. I have accepted that I am different from most people I know. For example, I only have a small number of friends but they are very close to me. i used to compare myself to other people and wonder why they had so many friends compared to me. i used to think that other people were much better socially, but now I realise that because I am a bit different, sometimes people really like spending time with me.

I am sharing this as I thought it might help others when they are going through difficult times. I have found a lot more peace in my life since I started accepting myself for who I am. Yes I am different from most people I know - but I am now much more aware of things that I like in life (going to the cinema, a country walk, a meal with family) and things that I don't enjoy (drinking alcohol, large groups or crowds of people, loud noises...). 

I wonder if anyone has had similar experiences to me in terms of coming to terms with who you are and liking yourself? In some ways the autism diagnosis has completely changed my life as I am happier now. In other ways I probably don't seem that different to other people - ti is just that I have a lot less anxiety and I enjoy being a bit quirky and weird. I have no idea what will happen over the next year but so far I am really happy that I have been diagnosed as the more you know about yourself, the more you can do something about it to enjoy life. 

If anyone has had a similar experience with their journey I would be really interested to hear about it or even to meet up to compare notes. Good luck to anyone going through difficult times - just remember that there are lots of sympathetic people out there and there is lots of help available. You are not alone and things will get better. 

Parents

  • Hi Andrew,

    Since getting my diagnosis in 2015 (at age 56), I've learned to understand myself, my behaviours and my life a lot better than I did before.  I've come to view myself through the prism of my autism, if you like.

    Have I learned to like myself more?  That's a harder thing to answer.  I suppose, objectively, I can think of myself as a human being just like any other.  I have my good points and my bad.  Mum used to say to me - the same as she said about dad, whom I guess I got it from - that I'm a 'Jekyll and Hyde' character.  Most of the 'Mr Hyde' stuff has tended to come out in more recent years - which, not surprisingly, has coincided with the onset and increase of a drinking problem.  I didn't drink at all up until around my mid-thirties, and it was never very much.  It began to increase in my early forties.  There were several reasons for this: a bit of middle-aged disillusionment with my life, doing a job I hated... and being in a marriage (the first time I'd cohabited in my adult life) that simply wasn't working.  As well as this, I think (and a therapist I later saw seemed to concur), it was about my life as an undiagnosed autistic finally beginning to catch up with me.  I'd always struggled with friendships.  Always been chronically insecure.  I'd suffered a lot of bullying at school.  I always felt 'different' without knowing why.  So it all began to get me down... and I sought solace in something that could make me feel better and feel confident.  The trouble was, as I said, it brought out the demon in me.  It brought out behaviour - especially verbal abuse of others, and self-destructive actions - that must have made me look, to anyone who didn't really know me, like I was this horrible, obnoxious, ignorant, abusive... pig!   At the time, I used to wake up the next day and say 'That wasn't me - not the real me.  The real me is a caring, compassionate, sensitive individual who wouldn't hurt a flea.'  But I was deluding myself, of course.  It was just as much the real me as any of those other qualities.  The drink just became the conduit for it.

    On a daily basis now, I struggle with those aspects of myself.  I struggle towards some kind of self-acceptance.  I know, essentially, that I'm a good and caring person.  But I also know there's this horrible person in there as well, which sobriety keeps in his cage.  I suppose 'liking' myself is being able to accept those things about myself.  I'm still a 'work in progress' on that score.  I've hurt some people in my life.  I've broken a very dear woman's heart.  I've been greedy and selfish.  I've borne grudges.  The green-eyed monster takes up too much space in my head at times.  I can be dismissive and judgmental, aloof, arrogant, high-minded, petty.  I know that stuff is all in there, and is a part of me.

    I don't follow a religion, but I find the philosophy  of Buddhism to be congenial.  The 'God' of Buddhism isn't some invisible being in the sky.  It's in each of us - just as are all of those contradictory qualities; all those good things and bad things.  Enlightenment comes with acceptance of that.

    I'm working on it, as I said.  I've a way to go yet.  I'm currently working on a piece of fiction-writing, with a central character who is very much based on myself.  Just writing things down on a daily basis is giving me insights.  It's interesting self-analysis.  It's helping me to understand myself better.  Maybe it'll make me.... well, not necessarily a better person.  But someone who can learn to like himself more.  It's all a process of self-discovery.  Perhaps it'll take me the rest of my life to get there.

  • in reply to Martian Tom

    It is really interesting to hear your story and to compare experiences. Working on oneself is indeed a lifelong project I feel?

    I wondered if you had read this book:

    The Chimp Paradox: The Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness

    (Sorry that font is so massive - I couldn't work out how to reduce it!).

    This book has helped me quite a lot as it is all about managing the difficult part of our personalities - for example, when I get very anxious now I can manage it a little bit better by realising that my 'chimp' is taking over. I would certainly recommend this to anyone who is trying to manage difficult feelings and emotions that they are experiencing. 

Reply
  • in reply to Martian Tom

    It is really interesting to hear your story and to compare experiences. Working on oneself is indeed a lifelong project I feel?

    I wondered if you had read this book:

    The Chimp Paradox: The Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness

    (Sorry that font is so massive - I couldn't work out how to reduce it!).

    This book has helped me quite a lot as it is all about managing the difficult part of our personalities - for example, when I get very anxious now I can manage it a little bit better by realising that my 'chimp' is taking over. I would certainly recommend this to anyone who is trying to manage difficult feelings and emotions that they are experiencing. 

Children