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Heros and Higher Powers

I'm done with Christmas Cards

In various situations ranging from therapy, work "exercises", and reading about such things as 12-step programs for addiction, I've come across the question "Who is your hero?" or "Imagine a higher power" or "How would someone you look up to handle this?".

I've struggled in all cases. I have never been that much into fiction & I certainly can't be bothered with any of the Heros peppered across comics, movies etc. Whilst I have been through phases of subscribing to Christianity, nowadays I struggle to imagine a higher power - divine or human.

I'm not particularly egotistical, and in fact I struggle with self esteem most of the time & look to others for validation - so that's not an explanation, I don't think.

I did enjoy the Judge Dredd comic strips from 2000AD when I was a kid, but only for the story. If I had to pick someone I'd like to be like, maybe I'd choose Neo from The Matrix for his powers.

Anyone relate?

  • When I first came across the idea of a 'higher power', or a 'God of your choosing' in AA,  I found it difficult to think of anything.  People said 'It can be anything.  A tree, a painting... even a wheelbarrow, if it suits you.'  I thought I could be my own 'higher power', which seemed like a good idea because it might give me a degree of self-esteem and confidence.  But I was told it had to be something outside of myself.

    I suppose the most powerful and pertinent one I can come up with is the combined spirits of my parents.  My dad had a self-destructive streak, whereas my mother was a strong woman with a strong sense of self-preservation.  Between them, they form the kind of yin and yang of me: equal and opposing forces.  Sometimes, the 'dad' side pushes a bit harder - but so far, the 'mum' side has always been able to push back!  Every week, I pay a short visit to the local spot where mum's ashes are scattered, and I sit on the bench there and say a few words to her - about my week, and what's going on in my life and in my head.  I find it quite reassuring and empowering.  Once or twice, I've felt I've had 'answers', too, in some way.  The presence of one of her favourite birds there, for instance.  One day, a robin appeared and got quite close to me, and followed me down the path a way.

    My heroes in life have generally been the loners, misfits, complex souls.  Batman was the first.  Then Sherlock Holmes.  In later life, writers and other artists who've 'spoken' to me in a particular way, and who have again been a little bit on the 'outside': Charles Bukowski, Raymond Carver, Edward Hopper, Michael Stipe, Mark Everett.

  • I must admit to having a tear in my eye when Freddie Kruger died. Several times.

    I don't really have heros. I admire some real life people that could be considered a bit of hero worship.