First time poster!
Hey everyone. I was diagnosed with ADHD just a year ago, always been a rebellious kid and teen but introverted. The psychiatry suggests be to undergo an ASD investigation and they have sent paperwork to a legitimate doctor and whatsoever blabla, but I honestly don't feel like I'm having high functioning autism. If so just a few traits like hand-flapping, avoiding eye contact, can't understand the other person's emotions.
but the thing is that I don't feel any emotion or empathy toward people that's a stranger to me. I accept my family but I don't love anyone in my family. I manipulate people daily for my own good deeds and I can't stop viewing people as objects no matter how hard I try. The manipulation part is more habitual and I try my best today to not do it.
I'm an expert at lying, I can wire it in such a logical way without hinting with my body signals that i'm lying and. I only have 2 facial expressions. Blank or fake smiling. If I have to show emotions or empathy I fake it 8/10 times at least. So what's considered wrong with me according to society?
Could it be my history behind me?
My mother is overprotective and denial. She views everything in a negative state. If you say you're going outside. She'll reply don't get killed, its dangerous out there, don't get shot, stabbed or robbed or whatever every single time. She maybe says have fun! or something in those ways. However, it's not often.
She really turns down my interest and passions, especially to become a self-sustainable entrepreneur since I prefer to talk about that. I have to ask her "Don't you wish me luck?* for her to say something positive to me, or she says don't get in debt so we have to sell the house, our car lives in a room with immigrants or on the streets. I don't want to be homeless I don't want criminal people to take you from me etc. Also, she drinks between 2-4 glasses of wine every day and on the weekends she normally gets drunk. She's also one of the reasons why I'm a master at giving lies.
My father has never really been with me throughout my entire life, always leaving either early Sunday or Monday and doesn't come home until late Friday or early Saturday. To be honest I don't know what he likes, what food he likes, what music he prefers etc. All I know is he comes home takes a drink or two, gets to shower and prepare to leave for activities in the big city with my mom until 1-3 A.M at night. Normally if he's home and I wake up during Saturday my father and mother isn't home when they get home I normally went to a friend, I may see him for an hour or 2 before they leave again. I'm not surprised if he's gone when I wake up again on Sunday. It can variate between 1-10 hours per week that I see him but on average 3 hours.
In the past no one taught me to use proper language, no one taught me violence isn't correct, no one taught me empathy is needed to connect, no one has told me my behavior was wrong. All I received was punishment for "acting dangerously to others". Had to figure out most of these things by myself and it has been a hell of a trip.
I have felt emotions strongly before, but today I wouldn't feel remorse or guilt if I took the life of another person. I would only feel guilt for committing a crime and police will be after me to set me in prison if I did it. Prison or jail would be too boring.
My criminal history is empty cause I'm an amazingly good person at hiding my evidence or manipulate people to remain as a ghost to the police, but I've done theft, drugs abuse, sold drugs, used violence etc. And my current group of friends is all just criminals but hey at least they show respect and gives motivations better than a regular dude, girl or my family.
