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How do you deal with the guilt of doing things wrong you didn't even know you were doing?

NAS50316

Basically a lot of anxiety for me stems from the fact that I try so hard to be empathetic, foresee what others want, be polite, do the right thing and yet I always end up doing something that seems rude or inattentive. I even ask if there is anything I can do, and yet I sometimes don't see the obvious and despite having tried everything I personally could conceive, I didn't see the obvious.

When called out, I feel so bad. I should have seen it, I should have known but I didn't. And again, I am wrong. It seems that these things are just jumping at me from nowhere, when I think in my logical way that I have done everything I can, there is always something I didn't. 

This makes me feel helpless and scared of the world sometimes. If I looked disabled or if I was more visibly Autistic [I look and behave normal -mostly], maybe people wouldn't expect things of me that seem obvious to others. 

I am trying my best, I think situations through and yet I always miss something. 

Does anyone else feel similar and if so, how do you cope with the guilt and what else can I do to be more attentive/normal/empathetic? 

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  • NAS50316 said:
    Basically a lot of anxiety for me stems from the fact that I try so hard to be empathetic, foresee what others want, be polite, do the right thing and yet I always end up doing something that seems rude or inattentive. I even ask if there is anything I can do, and yet I sometimes don't see the obvious and despite having tried everything I personally could conceive, I didn't see the obvious.

    I know precisely what you mean.  There are countless times in my life when I've done what I thought to be the right thing - only to fall foul of it.

    One example from recent work history.  One day, I was taking some clients on a trip in one of the minibuses.  I went out to the bus and noticed that it had been badly damaged, obviously from someone bashing a gate-post or something.  The damage was such that the front passenger door wouldn't open properly.  So I went straight to the manager's office and reported it.  My rationale was two-fold: it needed reporting if it hadn't already been; and I didn't want to get the blame.  It was only afterwards, as I was driving along, that I said to my co-worker 'I hope I've done the right thing there.  Maybe I should have checked who the last person was who used the bus and gone to them.  They might think I'm a tell-tale.'  I was so bothered about it that I stopped the bus and rang the office to explain that I didn't want anyone to get into trouble over it - I just hadn't thought things through at the time.  Fortunately, I then found out that it had been reported by someone else.  Until I heard that, my sense of guilt was overwhelming.

  • in reply to Martian Tom

    This may sound like I am an uncaring and unsympathetic so and so, but in recent years I don't really care as much what people might think (more aimed at work colleagues than my partner/family).  In the past I have made myself incredibly anxious over situations such as this, but when I have analysed those situations with some hindsight, I have always acted in a pragmatic way and not with the intention of harming anyone - so that at least that has provided some peace of mind.

    I tend to be more upfront now with people in that I am straight-talking, blunt and always like to get to the point.  That doesn't mean I don't care about their feelings, but I make it clear that if I upset them or offend them, then they must speak to me so it can be aired and discussed, to save it bubbling under the surface and escalating.  So far this approach works for me most of the time, but I still trip up on the odd occasion.  I think the hardest thing I have found with these situations is when I have lost good friends who I have cared for deeply and it has been over something I have done, yet they refuse to talk about it or see if we can work through it.  This cuts me the most as I can never learn from my mistakes or ease the hurt I have caused that person.

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  • in reply to Martian Tom

    This may sound like I am an uncaring and unsympathetic so and so, but in recent years I don't really care as much what people might think (more aimed at work colleagues than my partner/family).  In the past I have made myself incredibly anxious over situations such as this, but when I have analysed those situations with some hindsight, I have always acted in a pragmatic way and not with the intention of harming anyone - so that at least that has provided some peace of mind.

    I tend to be more upfront now with people in that I am straight-talking, blunt and always like to get to the point.  That doesn't mean I don't care about their feelings, but I make it clear that if I upset them or offend them, then they must speak to me so it can be aired and discussed, to save it bubbling under the surface and escalating.  So far this approach works for me most of the time, but I still trip up on the odd occasion.  I think the hardest thing I have found with these situations is when I have lost good friends who I have cared for deeply and it has been over something I have done, yet they refuse to talk about it or see if we can work through it.  This cuts me the most as I can never learn from my mistakes or ease the hurt I have caused that person.

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