• Replies 6 replies
  • Subscribers 83 subscribers
  • Views 3664 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Social Pressure for Eye contact

I'm done with Christmas Cards

I think I could endure social contact a lot easier if I could give myself permission to say "Eye contact hurts so I'll be looking at this coffee cup whilst we talk" and then do it.

But to get there requires unlearning decades of learned adaptation.

One reason I enjoy the social aspects of my running club so much is that there can't possibly be any expectation of eye contact when you're running next to someone. We also often run at a comfortable pace so that chatting is possible, and once I'm on an interesting topic I enjoy chatting (and yes, listening too :-) ) with running friends enormously.

One thing that seems difficult to convey to people is that, yes, I *can* do eye contact and each individual look doesn't cost that much (at least to start with) but over time each look gets harder and there comes a point where I'm exhausted.

No particular question here, just sharing.

  • I cheat. I almost never make eye contact but instead look at their nose, their eyebrows, between their eyes.. It looks like you're listening and attentive without needing to actually look at their eyes.

    Then they'll say something stupid, I'll look at their actual eyes and they'll wilt.

  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    I tend think and explain things with pen & paper - there's always something to point at to avoid eye contact with blokes. 

    In social situations, most men seem highly repressed and inexperienced in life so they use techy things as a vehicle to avoid mentioning emotions.   As a kid I absorbed all available knowledge about cars & planes & trains (how Aspie?) so I can easily hold my own in that environment.  It's very one-dimensional.

    I've 'lived' a little so when talking to women, my insights on relationships are seen as inspiring - and slightly tantalising.  I seem to know 'too much' about things that interest them and I seem to push all their buttons.  I can feel them weighing me up.  

  • in reply to Plastic

    Interesting thoughts - in my case, if I'm looking at a thing like an engine, motorbike, diy work or radio equipment I'd rather do it alone than with someone next to me pointing at it. The exception in my life was when my dad used to help me with things like putting new valve seals on my car engine - lots of looking at the thing then. So this doesn't generally help me out when talking to men. At work for instance, the discussion is mostly about ideas that aren't physically present and eye contact is the norm ("over coffee"). Outside work I just try to avoid people :-).

    I actually find women easier to talk to than men. For some reason almost all of the "typical" peer-bonding vehicles used by men are of no interest to me. My interest in making sense of myself, psychology, life, even sexuality maybe, means that I tend to find more interesting and freely-evolving discussions with women than with men. That last sentence is clearly laden with assumptions about sexual stereotypes, but is simply a statement of my experience. There's also the fact that I find social and intellectual intimacy with men awkward and a little threatening.

  • I have great difficulty with eye contact - it feels unbelievably invasive to me.

    When talking with blokes, eye contact is not normally required because we are all looking at the subject matter - the engine or the aeroplane.

    When talking to women, my occasional glances are seen as flirty and coy.  My inability to process and respond fast enough to their twittering makes me seem to be a good listener.

    My wife says it's hilarious watching women practically throw themselves at me whilst I'm completely oblivious.

  • Hi,

    I'm always interested by this topic. 

    Per my name, I don't have any formal diagnosis of ASC but I wonder if I could be on the spectrum. .

    I notice that eye contact costs me energy, I can actually feel myself losing energy when I make it. Eye contact with strangers is the most costly, especially in situations that cause me additional anxiety (group socials with strangers, crowded noisy and busy places). 

    I dislike small talk and much prefer activities (and meeting people) where the focus is on something else and small talk is avoided. 

  • Hello, thank you for sharing this issue. I do understand as I find it easy to ride out with the local cycling  club for the same reason, no eye contact needed just look at the wheel in front. If only people would not be in such a rush all the time then maybe we could be allowed enough time to make eye contact form time to time when speaking? just a thought.