• Replies 9 replies
  • Subscribers 84 subscribers
  • Views 7429 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Eye contact "pain"

I'm done with Christmas Cards

Hi, I've searched on "eye contact" and as you'd expect hundreds of posts come up, so without an advanced search I can't easily check if my question already has an answer here.

I've heard others say that giving eye contact is painful, and I've started telling people that this is the case for me because I can agree that it is, but I wondered if I experience it in the same way as others do.

The way I describe the pain is like an extreme fatigue. I ask people to imagine they have been up for 36 hours, are starting to nod off somewhere warm and comfy, but someone won't stop talking to them and is keeping them awake - *that* kind of fatigue, but felt in the eyes (more specifically, above the eyes but below the eyebrows).

Does that ring true with anyone?

I'll also cite an example where I was talking one on one with someone, and they were being very kind, and when I came to say "Thank you, I appreciate that very much." I simply *could not* look at them, and couldn't even divert to their mouth as I usually do, but instead looked at a point on the wall a meter to the side of their head. I seemed to have no control over this.

Finally, as others have said in the posts that came up in my search, it's not straightforward because it's dependant on the meaning / intimacy of the eye contact. Once I was on a training course where we did an exercise of pairing up and maintaining unbroken eye contact for two solid minutes! I was able to do this at the time, because we were both in the same boat; awkward, uncomfortable, but determined and viewing it as a pure physics science experiment with no underlying meaning. At the other end of the scale, at our running club recently we were asked to pair up and throw tennis balls to each other and even turning to face towards someone, and "pair with" someone - even from 5 to 10m away - whom I didn't know that well felt too intimate and uncomfortable.

  • in reply to Bagpuss7

    I'm interested in this too. I've read that eye contact for NT people releases oxytocin, which creates a warm fuzzy relaxed feeling. I am trying to find out if this relates to prolonged eye contact where you feel at ease, or whether it happens for some people as they go about their daily lives.

    AFAIK, the only time I get a proper oxytocin release is when I hug my labrador (and only one of them at that). Weird.....

  • I always wondered how people can maintain eye contact, talk, listen and read the body language - all at the same time! 

    My eye contact is basically nonexistent. If I make an effort I can. Look in someone’s eye but then I can’t talk and I can’t listen. I can’t even think - I somehow freeze and only thought in my mind is the colour of their eyes. 

    I usually look at person’s mouth. It helps me to understand what they are saying. Or I stare at the wall or something else in front of me because it helps me to focus on whatever the person is saying.

  • I can do some eye contact when I’m talking to people about work things or in light hearted social situations.  I get quite conscious of it some times and look away often.  But when things are personal or uncomfortable, I start to really struggle.  I used to have huge arguments and get into a lot of trouble st school.  I’d be accused of lying and be told to look teachers in the eye etc, which would result in me shouting and swearing that I could hear them,  I didn’t need to be close to the or staring at the to hear them so what was the big deal.  I’ve found as well the opposite sometimes happens, if I’m put in an uncomfortable or confrontational situation I’ll stare straight at people and refuse to look away.  Maybe that’s part of the fight or flight response. 

  • Interesting post. I also avoid eye contact, in fact, I cant do. 

  • Ive been out tomight with s friend and was thinking about eye contact.

    So i did a course last year whuch included body lanfuage and active listening. I feel i can "put on" eye contact and how to actively listen. But whenot comes to me doing the talkkmg ive noticed i dont makr much eye contact as power is taken up with tjinking. But i feel NT ppl do this too.

    Often with eye contact i dont feel pain but i feel uncettainty of other peoples intentions of the situation or expectations of me. If that makes sense

  • in reply to Bagpuss7
    Bagpuss7 said:
    what eye contact feels like for them. Does it feel just like looking at a chair, for example?

    ...YES, again.

    A bit more from myself, though. (Also consider the "Cynosure" part of my Username, so I get "eye contact" A LOT.) Sometimes people do not realise that they are staring at anyone else. Chair, Floor, Nose, Eyes, it is all the same - Consciously - to some. It is a very Broad and unspecific topic...

    Has anyone ever sat upon a Train/Bus, and then noticed that someone is just STARING right atchya? But Then you move, or wave, and then they seem to wake up as if from sleep, and only then they realise that they were doing that. Afterwards they may or may not do the same again. (!) As I say, it is a very Broad topic...

    ...But those of us being stared at, depending upon our own strengths or status at the time, we can feel drained, threatened, sick, in pain... etc. etc. This goes onto topics which are related but I do not want to introduce, here... for instance: Try doing any of that at a Dog or a Bird, and it will either flee or attack. (There is a real exchange going on, but this is not yet acknowleged in LAW and so I say more than that in this Post.)

  • I wanna ask people, NT I guess, what eye contact feels like for them. Does it feel just like looking at a chair, for example?

  • my description is it is like that person's eyes are burning into my soul.

    I think I've got better at it, and have worked hard to do so, and sometimes am okay until I suddenly notice I am in fact making eye contact. Then I struggle!