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Undiagnosed Autistic partner we are at BREAKING POINT

NAS50791

My partner and I have been together for 9 years.

I have two children from a previous relationship, they are aged 16 and 12. 

I had a very unhappy marriage with my ex-partner, he was very abusive towards me.

My current partner was very career driven before he met me, so he had very little long term relationship experience. For the first 7 years of our relationship he lived at his own place for about 3-4 days per week. Then for the remaining days he would stay with me and my two children in my home. The time apart suited us both because I was recovering from a very messy divorce and he liked his own company every now and again. If he finished work late he would go straight back to his own place, instead of disturbing us, so it worked for all of us.

Then about 18 months ago everything changed...……………..

I decide that I wanted to become a police officer. He supported me in this decision and said he would move in full time. I had to work shifts and go from part time to full time so his help was essential.

To this day he still hasn't given up his house, he sleeps over at his house about 2 to 3 times a month. Financially its crippling us! Two mortgages, two lots of council tax, two lots of Water rates etc etc 

He refuses to rent it out and makes no effort to get it his house on the market. I have started to decorate it but I really am struggling to find the time. 

I am confident my partner has undiagnosed autism. He struggles to tell me how he feels, he has no empathy for me and things always appear to be black and white from his perspective. His work colleagues tell him he is on the autistic spectrum. I am struggling with depression at the minute and he seems to be backing off every time I reach out to him. He says it's because he is scared of saying the wrong thing, the reality is I took this new job on a promise that he would support me but I really feel I have been short changed. I am considering quitting and going back to my old job doing just part-time hours. I feel I cannot cope with running a home, kids and learning a new job (and studying for a diploma in policing). 

My children no longer have a relationship with there biological father. That has been on the rocks for a long time and overt the last year has completely broken down. This means my partner and I very rarely see each other, let alone spend time together. We have nearly split up several times in the last few months.

I need to try and fix this. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank-you

  • in reply to .

    From what he has told me his previous relationships have been very brief. They have not taken off because of his work getting in the way or he has jumped ship because they have come on too strong. 

    He does see himself as being the oddball. I will try to sit down and talk with him at a suitable time. 

    Thank you  Ellie

  • I imagine it is important for him to know that he still has a place to retreat to if he needs space to himself. Being able to have time to rebalance and be undisturbed is important and doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to be with you.

    He may also be holding onto to place through fear of the relationship not working or his lack of self esteem telling him it won’t last. If he is autistic, he may well realise  that he is differently wired from others (I.e faulty goods). And therefore feels he might not be “good enough” and at some point cast aside. 

    You mentioned he’s had few previous past relationships but not how they ended.

    life seems to be pulling hard on both of you at the moment. Try to talk (not row) and give him time and space to honestly express why he feels he should lose his house. A possible compromise is he rents out the house. It is then still his property and the income will cover his mortgage costs.

    try to reduce his fear of open dialogue...and be as open an honest with him too.

    best wishes

    Ellie