My ASD child Says " It's OK Mum, it doesn't bother me. "

What Do I do For The Best here ? 


As the Title says," It's OK mum, It doesn't bother me." This is what my son is now saying after years of relentless bullying..many many different example . He is now in his Final year of Primary school, and the School has done very little to nothing effective to stop the children from being nasty to my son. to make matters worse, I hear about various incidents from other parents... The mums and Dads of children who feel guilty about taking part in the mob mentality of well No one likes him... or Everyone does it....or if I don't join in I might be the next victim kid...Sometimes these *would be nice kids*, well they have to tell... the parent are shocked, call me, PM me or talk to me at school/ kids club etc.. Usually they start with the sentence.. Am very sorry but......
I am heartbroken I can't stop this.... am angry the school don't even call me 90% of the time they know of things.. Most recent example..... graffiti in the toilets... **** is Gay....... The children involved got spoken to.... Was i Called by School??? NO !!
Was the Parents Called by School ??? NO !!!
this was just the final straw for one of the nice kids, who told his mum.... and told her how my son wasn't at school today... maybe because all his friends keep taking his hat and gloves from him, passing them to each other so he cant get them, then throwing them onto the ground..... or maybe its because his good/ best friends have been calling him names...or maybe its because everyone shuns him as they don't want to be associated with the kid who doesn't bother about being bullied anymore because at least he has friends who do play with him when they are not being nasty to him........ So I ask you all..... Where do you go with this ?  For reasons of his own.. He just CAN'T speak up for himself.. and our school ??? What school wants to be known as the school with bullying issues ?? they hind, deny or turn a blind eye to keep it all hush hush and off their records..
my apologies for pouring out on here, but when your child is so defeated he says "it's OK Mum, it doesn't bother me" that hurts your heart ..... oh and No... He won't hear of changing schools, he likes his so called good school and friends, no matter how much i say to him.. My Big BIG fear would be if I did move him School, Would it happen there and would he have Zero friends? ? Would be be unhappy?? Hate me for moving him... He doesn't like change.... He is generally happy enough, given his social awareness skills are so poor, he seems to be a tough wee cookie. resilient beyond anything I or anyone i know could ever put up with...   He shouldn't have too... I wish these school children weren't so cruel.  
So here I am... What do i do? 

  • I'll try DC ~ that's always my intention ~ but seriously, I never know what part of what I say upsets people because it seems people get upset for all sorts of reasons. For example, some don't like swear words and some who don't use them, don't mind other people using them. It's like everyone has different rules for what upsets them. I can't keep up! Lol! 

    You'll be pleased to know though that I start a course in February to learn how to say how I see the world in a way that other people can understand so I'm sure that means I will learn to talk less blunt Relaxed️maybe Grimacing I hope so because I can only think it's my honesty and bluntness that upsets people but if I'm not blunt, I take a million words to say one thing to the point I often forget what I'm even saying before I've finished! Lol! Honestly, I'm even starting a class to learn sign language because I literally upset most, but not all, people, so I decided a while ago I was going to stop speaking and learn sign language, just so I am honest when I say I can't speak to them because I speak sign language. I've got the guy who's gonna teach me, I'm just waiting for my pip money to come through to pay for the lessons. I'm looking forward to it because I love silence and I'm looking forward to just listening and learning from others. And I'll keep my talking to running workshops and working with clients. 

    I don't know how that will translate here though. Maybe I'll start using only those emoji  things Relaxed

    I'm looking forward to it as it might mean I might  actually have conversations with people ~ we'll see ~ I'll definitely be able to teach it anyway and I'm having the sign language lessons as well. And I'm joining a singing group (quirky choir) to make sure my vocal chords do get used, lol, and I've been before and I enjoyed it. 

    I'll offer free places on the online courses, when I start them, to anyone on here who's interested.

    And I've been referred back to autism plus for some more one to one sessions, so that might help as well. 

    Yeah, my new picture reflects my current state of getting younger, or more youthful. I feel like I'm just starting out on my adult life for the first time, which naturally means I change my appearanRelaxede, which I am. Literally (I'm getting visibly younger) and on here, I've got much younger, which represents my young stage of starting my spiritual journey and yes, I am getting shinier, for real Relaxed

  • This nasally enhanced person agrees with the sentinment that we must all me mindful that everyone stands in they’re own shoes and we all differ in strength, struggle and ability. 

    In a society where we can be seldom heard the forum allows a space to express who we are, what we believe in. On ocassion we can struggle a great deal and reach out for help, support and advice. It is also affirming to hear that others have won battles and pulled through.

    x

  • (To Miss BlueyShiny (!)... Post more replies like THIS one, please.    Apply what you yourself have learnt, most-of-all whilst knowing that other persons are not yourself; and that some are not always powerful enough in conviction, or physical / durability, to achieve your own (current & ADULT) position. (The Physical / durabillity  /Adult parts are especially pertinant.) But do Post More like this, please.)

  • I'd love for the schools to take a different approach. To start paying more attention to teaching children how to love themselves and others by showing them how to be kind by helping them get to know each other better. Focussing on bullying and taking it seriously hasn't changed anything. It's time to take a new approach and help all children feel valued so they can begin to value themselves and others and that kind of behaviour (bullying) will die out naturally. 

    Honestly, that kid who was said to be bullying my son, didn't have a clue how to make friends. He wasn't autistic or anything, he had just never been taught how. And when I insisted we approach it another way, he never forgot that kindness that was shown to him and probably because he was so used to getting in trouble and being called a naughty boy. 

    He did continue to be mounded into that character, the 'naughty' kid, but he never forgot and was always good to my son and always looked out for him and still says hello to me today. 

    I think we can sometimes loose sight that these are little children we're talking about, and as the saying goes, it takes a whole village to raise a child. Children can just as easily be influenced towards love as they can hate and they'll learn what love feels like and looks like, in all it's many forms. 

    You're giving Leon a beautiful gift that will be with him forever and it's not always easy as a parent, as we feel our children's hurt tenfold and want to take their hurt away, and sometimes that means we overlook what's really important. 

    I wish I could look more favourably on schools but they don't seem to be evolving much at all in terms of teaching our children skills that will see them through life. I hear so many horror stories that it makes me want to take my grandchildren out of school, lol, but like my son did, they like school and I didn't deny him that opportunity, much as I wanted to, so I won't deny them. But I'm starting as a class help soon (volunteer parent thing) so maybe with more help, they can do more Shrug tone3‍♀️We can only do what we can Slight smile

  • yes agreed thank you! I always explain that to Leon. Be kind walk away as usually these kids are being bullied by siblings or uneducated in autism or special needs and fighting back wont help the cause.

  • If he's okay with it, you should leet it be let someone else deal with it.

  • Thankfully as an adult I have not experienced bullying. This stopped when school stopped. I do still struggle socially but it is much easier to deal with this than during my school life.

    I, like you say about your son, would protect the bullies. I wanted to be liked and I think I thought that they would start to like me if I didn't get them into trouble. Unfortunately, my school weren't brilliant at seeing through this. Because I was quirky and undiagnosed at the time I think they thought I brought it on myself a lot of the time. Hopefully as he gets older he will see that it isn't worth protecting them.

    Does your school run any lunch time clubs or anything like that? Sometimes children with ASC can find interaction easier if it something they are interested in so I always liked computer club. This would also hopefully keep him away from the bullies and under the watch of a member of staff. If they don't, it is worth suggesting to them that maybe they select some other children that would either be supportive to him or also find social interaction difficult and have a little social club for them.

  • Hi ,

    We understand this is a very serious issue, and we would like to do whatever we can to help you.

    You may like to have a look at page on our website called "A bullying guide for parents" which can help you understand how bullying can affect your child and what you can do to help them: http://www.autism.org.uk/about/in-education/bullying/guide-parents.aspx.  

    You can also find a guide for your son/daugther on what to do when being bullied, and how to stay safe: http://www.autism.org.uk/about/in-education/bullying/guide-young-people.aspx.

    If you would like some confidential advice and support, you may like to call the Bullying UK helpline on 0808 800 2222 or by visiting their website: http://bit.ly/IQ47dS.

    You can also contact our Autism Helpline for impartial, confidential information along with support and advice for you and your son/daughter: 0808 800 4104 (10am-4pm Monday-Thursday, 9am-3pm Fridays).Please note the Helpline team are experiencing a high volume of calls so it could take you a few attempts to get through to an adviser.

    Best wishes,

    Chloe Mod

  • I don't think it's 'ok' for people to treat me or anybody else this way, but I don't benefit by seeing it the way other people do either ~ that just makes me upset and it makes me feel like I'm living in a horrible world and makes me not want to live here as I start thinking there are lots of bad people out there so I'd rather not be here, whereas my world view is nothing like that and now I have the self awareness to back my world view up, I wouldn't have it any other way and I'm far happier than any person I know and things always go my way. And now, because of learning self awareness, self love and self acceptance, people often tremble in my presence rather than anything else. 

    Because of my abrupt and honest manner, people often feel intimidated by me. I can't help that, many autistic people are like me, blunt and honest, and people will either like me or they won't, it doesn't really matter to me. I'm at my happiest when I'm alone anyway, and even when I do have friends, which I do have, I don't conduct my friendships in the way nt people do. I would be horrified if a friend wanted to come to my house or meet me outside of our group activity. It would, if anything, make me stay away from them. 

    And even though I'm 'different' because of my autism, I don't like to be singled out or labelled so I would never do that to somebody else. For example, by labelling another kid as a bully or an adult as a rapist. 

    My son was getting 'bullied' at school when he was in his second year at primary school but I refused to have the child labelled as a bully and insisted we deal with it a different way. 

    The teacher agreed and it turned out that this kid came from a terrible home life, really terrible, and he wanted to be friends with my son but had no idea how to go about it so it came out all wrong. 

    My son never hung out with this kid or got to be best friends with him but even to this day, that boy (now age 30) still looks out for my son and is always so polite when he sees me. He still continued fighting etc but rather than being my son's bully, he became more like my son's protector and he never forgot how we approached the matter. I don't think anyone had ever shown him such genuine interest, love and kindness before and honestly, to this day, he goes out of his way to say hello to me and ask me if he can do anything for me. 

    I don't see what I have experienced as horrific ~  someone wanting to meet me for a coffee, as a friend, feels horrific to me ~ I find that totally disgusting and revolting to the point I sometimes have to have a shower because I feel like their disgustingness is all over me. 

    I'm glad my experiences haven't made me love every person on this planet any less and instead of them filling me with fear, they taught me to get to know myself better so I can find ways of looking after myself better. I can always see many ways of looking at a situation, even though I'm autistic and have, in general, very rigid thinking patterns and I learned that taking responsibility for myself and finding ways to look after myself, was far more productive than trying to change other people. 

    I'm sorry if I scared you though. I do forget sometimes that other people see the world differently to me (obviously, a very common autistic trait!) and what horrifies them is nothing to me and what they see as friendships and lovely things, I find horrific. But bare in mind as well, I was undiagnosed autistic when I was a kid so no one had a clue how to help me, while your son has got you so I'm sure he won't get into some of the experiences that I found myself in X

  • Thank you BlueRay for your insight into how you process life and events.For me.. I find your experiences truly terrifying.. I hope and pray that no-one far less someone who is vulnerable should endure such... It scares me to think,  how some of the indifference you have to situations and actions can be similar to our kids ASD traits... that said, just because these things don't have the same effect on your mental/emotional wellbeing Doesn't make them OK or acceptable ...not at all in any circumstance.. Someone has taken advantage/ abused and or bullied you...these are the terms i know for those actions.... I want and hope to teach my child that the actions by his peers are what is seen in general society as Bullying.. I want him to learn this, to learn how to read the signs, to learn how to avoid it escalating into something even more.  You Experiences , horrify and Don't fill me with much hope for mankind in general unfortunately.. and Yes even though you don't want need or ask for it.. I am Deeply sorry you have experienced these horrific events (IMO very horrific) ..... I Never want my child to be so indifferent to the way he is/ has or will be treated that he thinks it's OK.  Again Thank you for sharing your story and opinion with me xx   

  • It sounds like you’ve got a good teacher there. As she says, it’s more about not bringing more attention to it as that gives it more power and singles your boy out even more. When all we really want is for your boy to be accepted, loved, appreciated, respected and celebrated for who he is, without standing out. This will take time but with the right approach we can, together, tackle this in a more loving, forgiving, kind and empowering way. 

  • Exactly, and the way I see it is, I often recognise myself in these little angels and if I can help just one parent to see that their precious little boy or girl might see things a different way to them, then I’ll stick my neck out and do that by sharing my experience. 

    A lot of people don’t like my bluntness and honesty (basically, my autism) but I can live with that if it helps just one person in some way. 

    And I haven’t changed since I was a kid. For example, I still see every person as my friend and I’m happy that I do; however, I have learned how better to look after myself but not by demonising others, but by better understanding myself so I can better navigate this world and avoid things like rape etc. 

    The little ones can’t talk for themselves or explain things as well as an adult might, so I will always do what I can to help make life better for all of us X

  • No, not at all, you’re doing a great job. When I was little, no one really had a clue about anything about me really. You already know your son so well and despite your own thoughts/fears, you still continued to support him to be himself. 

    I have enormous amounts of admiration and respect for all parents of autistic children because trust me, there’s no way I could have raised an autistic child. I can’t cope with me as an adult and sit in absolute awe at how my job centre coach deals with me and others like her. I’m so difficult at times and if I wasn’t me, I couldn’t live with me! Lol! 

    You're doung an amazing job and your little boy’s smiles are proof of that. 

    Truly, I salute you Two heartsTwo heartsTwo hearts

  • My school friend was diagnosed at 49 and her talking about her quirks made me see leons more clearly. If we cant be completely honest here how will will ever know what to look out in the future and how to protect our loved ones. thanks BlueRay x

  • Yeah, I’m still learning too as I was only diagnosed last year (at age 51) and I agree, we are all different but I think (at least for me anyway) we learn best by sharing real life experiences with each other and often, because I can articulate myself pretty well at times, I can help parents/partners of an autistic person to see things from their world view Blush X

  • That's a great idea actually and what one of his teachers said yesterday. He needs someone to just lead him away from the situation so it doesn't esculate into something worse. I hope they can talk more to the other children and get them to understand autism and to not make fun of the way he walks and reacts. He is such a kind boy but the constant teasing is making him look like he is is always causing scenes at break time. 

  • Also, maybe you could get together with some of the parents of the other kids and create little roles for their kids.

    For example, they could be your little boys ‘watchers’ or ‘special friends’ or something ~ something that appeals to them and makes them feel a bit special and important. 

    They could stop the other kids from doing what they’re doing by explaining to them that your boy has autism and doesn’t understand what they’re doing and they could help to include your boy rather than exclude him and find ways that he can, if he wants to, be part of their games, in his own unique way, so that everyone can be friends. 

    I don’t know, I’m just thinking off the top of my head. But kids generally like to feel important and have important jobs. They could be like ambassadors of autism or diversity. 

    We have to find new empowering, more loving ways to help children appreciate and celebrate differences instead of labelling them as ‘bullies’ etc. 

    I’m sure that if you got together with the other parents you could together, come up with something fabulous, that you can then tell the teachers about so they can get on board as well. 

  • You're absolutely right he doesn't want to make friends with most of these kids. It was me worrying that he would be unhappy in the long run. We are all wonderful and individual and have quirks and anxieties and I didn't want to label him as such just looking for support. Thank you for your reply Im still learning about it all and I really appreciate your honesty x

  • Thank you so much that is a great insight into how is is and Leons the same he does not get as upset as I do he just excepts everything that happens to him as normal. He is a happy boy and that is why I didn't push for help before. Also he is very bright and doesn't struggle with his school work just social skills. I thought it was due to problems with his dad and I splitting up.. This has really helped my head as I thought his problems were something I had done wrong. 

  • Have you considered that he might not want to make friends? Maybe he actually enjoys the company of the teachers at break times? I used to stay in at break times when I was at primary school and I would wash the teachers cups and plates that they used at breaks and I loved to do that rather than go out and play with the other kids. None of us knew I was autistic then but nobody tried to stop me from doing what I enjoyed (staying inside at break times). 

    And I like talking to people and being friends with them but if they were to ask me (as an adult) to meet for coffee or something, I want to kick the s**t out of them and cry and scream and say, why did you have to go and ruin everything???? I don’t have friends in the same ways nt people do, probably because I’m not nt, so why would my life look anything like theirs? It doesn’t, and I’m happy with that.