How much can I blame my autism for? Am I wrong?

Hi all! 

Recently my husband and I have not been getting along as well as I would like. He blames a recent period of me being off work sick, in hospital (secure mental health unit) my increased anxiety and him apparently having to have the patience of a saint to put up with me. 

I don’t claim to be perfect, I have huge social anxiety, generalised anxiety problems and OCD. I’m very resistant to a change in planned routines, sometimes he will try to change plans for a meal out last minute and I completely freak out, my anxiety goes through the roof. He claims to understand but then will do the same thing again a few weeks later. 

I am T-total, drinking alcohol is something I’ve never understood. Expensive and not good for you, so why do people do it? I think this narrow minded way of thinking is part of my autism, or am I being a judgemental so and so? I find it very hard to understand others point of view, or if anyone does something a different way to me, as far as I am concerned I go about things the most logical way possible, so for me to watch someone do something a different way, is really hard and makes me super uncomfortable. My husband sees this as me being controlling and rude. 

My husband claims my controlling ways are one of the main reasons we have problems. I have however not just developed these habits and traits, they have always been there, and he married me knowing about them.

hes recently started drinking to excess, drinking before work and going to work still drunk from the night before. He says this isn’t an issue and I’m just over sensitive, and I don’t understand because I’m a non drinker.

Could my controlling ways, anxiety, OCD and rigidity in routine be down to my autism? Am I blaming being autistic, when really it’s nothing to do with that? I don’t think my husband believes that high functioning autism is a thing, so trying to get him to understand is hard.

am I just a bad person? And an even worse wife?

thanks & sorry... ParaTed 

  • You’re welcome. And it’s not necessarily necessary for your husband to get support. It might be enough for him if you tell him that you acknowledge how difficult you can be sometimes and that you’re going to work on having more self awareness etc but that this is something that takes time.

    And acknowledge how patient he has been and how supportive he has been and it might be enough for him for you to make an extra special fuss of him for a while ~ bring Valentine’s Day forward ;)

    I’m sure it will all work out. If you weren’t a good, kind and loving person you wouldn’t be seeking help.  It’s just that us autistics can have a funny way of showing it sometimes and it’s not our fault that we can’t see other people’s points of view so easily, it’s part of the condition, but when we become aware of it we can take steps to begin to see what it’s like for others as well. 

    Maybe your husband is missing the girl he married and that’s why his drinking has increased. This happens in the best of relationships and not just ones with us aspies. 

    Maybe it’s time to begin spending more time together doing things you both enjoy. It sounds like you’ve both had a difficult time and could use a bit of light, love, fun, laughter, long walks in the country etc etc, all the good stuff that often gets overlooked in the day to day running of life. 

    If I had the means right now, I’d send you both off on a lovely holiday of your choice Heart️it sounds like you two have something really special going on and that it’s worth fighting for. 

    It can be hard going, taking a look at yourself, so remember to be kind, loving and patient to yourself as well and repeat the affirmation, from your heart, several times a day ‘I’m a good, decent, honest person, I’m doing my best and that’s all I can ever do, and that’s always good enough. I love myself and my husband and we’re making this work, for both of us’. Heart

    I wish you all the best. Lots of love. Take good care of yourself and your lovely husband X 

  • Thank you so much for your reply. You make some really good points, especially about how my husband may have felt while I was in hospital, I probably wasn’t the only one suffering, but I’d never seen it from that perspective before. 

    I see a counsellor privately already, although I’m certain it’s not something my husband would be interested in doing. They may be able to offer some advice or even signposting to other services or even just information for us. 

    Thank you for saying I’m not a bad person. It means a lot you cared to say it, and I am grateful for the time you took to reply. 

    X

  • You are most certainly NOT a bad person, not in the least.

    And yes, being controlling, having black and white rigid and often catastrophic thinking, not liking change and not being able to see things from another person's point of view, are all part of autism. They're not an excuse and they are extremely difficult for others to live with.

    Seriously, it would be extremely difficult for anyone to live with us ~ I've only just realised this mind! It's taken me more than 51 years of living to realise it!

    Your husband's drinking could be his reaction to him feeling an increase in stress etc. It must have been heartbreaking for him to see you in hospital. It would have made him feel helpless that he couldn't help you and it quite possibly made him feel like a failure as a husband making him feel hopeless. Although he might not be able to express this to you. Or maybe he's tried, and as I would almost expect from an autistic person (being autistic myself) you may have taken it all the wrong way, because of our inability to see things from another person's point of view.

    This situation isn't something that's going to get resolved over night, and I would suggest you get some kind of support to support both you and your husband, if he wants it.

    You're not a bad person, not at all, and all those traits can be related to autism but that's not an excuse and more a reason for you to get more understanding around it so you can help both yourself and your husband.

    We really are, often very difficult to live with, which might be ok for a while, but overtime, if the person doesn't fully understand what's going on and even if they do, it will still feel harder over time.

    I would say your husband's drinking is a sign that you both need to get some support and understanding.

    And as difficult as we can be, we of course have many other aspect so to us and I'm sure you've got many, and certainly your husband thinks so otherwise he wouldn't have married you.

    But those, let's say for ease of conversation, 'good' traits, can often appear invisible when we're feeling stressed and out of our depth and it can sometimes take a third person's influence such as a counsellor or something to help us to see those things again, about ourselves and our partner.

    Don't let your innate difficulties come between you both, that would be heartbreaking. Get some support and learn more about autism and how it affects you, there are some good YouTube videos that can help, and reassure your husband that you're going to do what you can to work with your autism etc to make things better for yourself.

    Maybe he needs some reassurance that everything's going to be ok and that you can see all that he does for you. Maybe he feels undervalued? Maybe his patience needs a break and he needs you to be there for him for a little while?

    I wish you both all the best. The more self awareness we have, the better able we are to cope with the changes that life brings as a natural part of life. And again, I stress, you're definitely not a bad person and to your husband, your the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's why he married you ~ maybe he just needs to be reminded of why he married you ;) X