Hello!
I'm sure I'm not the first to post something like this here, and I am sure the crown-jewel of feedback is "see a doctor/psychologist." However, I much prefer to go this route, seeking the insight and expertise of those here in the Autism community. I know you're not my personal therapists or whatever, but I hope you are willing to offer some insight.
I'm a male in my mid-30s and I am a licensed psychologist. Seems weird that I am posting about possibly having Autism on an Internet forum when I have these credentials, but it's impossible to diagnose oneself for a variety of reasons. I'm going to post some qualities I have thought about over the years here in hopes of giving a bigger picture. I mostly want to know so that I can better understand myself. I know it's a label I'm looking for, but this would help me come to the realization if some of my anxieties and social quirks are due to this disorder.
- While I am extremely social and many friends/coworkers would view me as "charismatic," I oftentimes act in accordance with a set pattern of previously determined "correct behaviors" in a variety of situations. Sometimes when I'm alone, I think about different scenarios and the best way to act in those situations. I've learned how to authentically/naturally act in these situations by "living the behaviors" in my head before they occur.
- Much of what I've learned about navigating the world comes from understanding the systems in place that cause those things to happen. I act in accordance of what's rational in our irrational world. People act irrationally, so I've determined that in order to exist in this social world, I should embrace and accept the irrationality. This has helped me come to terms with a lot of the terrible ways people can behave. I understand everyone has their own challenges, so I live by certain principles that help me to live kindly and productively.
- I love to work hard and earnestly, and I think most of my coworkers would acknowledge I follow this code. In most situations, I fluidly navigate what I need to as a psychologist to help others and diagnose problems/find solutions, but I have challenges when I am confronted with the rare scenario that I haven't prepared for (as suggested earlier). These challenges are similar to unique social encounters, where I kind of freeze up, do something awkward, and re-live the experience over and over in my head, prompting further anxiety.
- I am obsessed with games. Not to the point where other parts of my life suffer. I have a wonderful marriage, a successful career, a healthy social life (almost always out with friends on weekends), and can detach myself from the hobby when life happens. This is my #1 go-to, though. I am obsessed with getting through games almost to a compulsive point, and enjoy engaging with others over games, whether multiplayer or discussing my single player escapades. When talking about this, I am able to deviate the topic if the other people are not interested or the conversation naturally flows onto something else. I also do not bring it up unless I am sure the other parties are interested. My brother is even more obsessed than I am, though. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of glitches, coding in games, the history of games, etc.
- I don't believe I have trouble with eye contact, but when I speak, I oftentimes have difficulty meeting the other person in the eye, as this distracts me. I guess it's uncomfortable.
- I have a lot of friends, or at least acquaintances. When my wife and I throw parties, we usually invite 20 to 25 people. We have about ten or so "close friends," but to be honest, I do not FEEL close to anyone. I would not describe myself as having a best friend. It's hard for me to feel that connection, that chemistry. To be honest, I've always envied people with best friends. I've never known what this is like, and it creates a great loneliness within me, even with a wife, brother, and several friends.
- I thought my brother might be this person. He shares a lot of my same qualities, but I would describe as more obsessed with games and less socially adept (he would admit to this, too). We game a lot together--almost every night on weekdays, and hang out all day gaming on Sundays every other weekend. The problem here is he is emotionally unavailable and becomes angry when I bring up our relationship or his personal life. He is compulsively private, to a fault I would say. This pains me, because I believe we're kindred spirits and I would love to be closer, but I feel like all he wants is a capable gaming partner. He rarely takes an interest in my personal life, accomplishments, and will begrudgingly share details about his own life (like work, his girlfriend) and only when asked. This is extraordinarily painful to me, and causes me a great deal of stress.
- I do have a heightened moral compass. As suggested in the first point, I can appreciate the grays and understand humans are inherently irrational, but I still FEEL extremely upset when people do not act as I expect them to (see my previous note about my brother). This includes a lot of the injustices in the world, but especially when I am personally mistreated/betrayed (as I perceive, anyway). I have a hard time letting these betrayals go, and rarely forgive people. I understand, socially, I cannot act on these ill feelings, but it stews within me. So, the friendships continue, but I fixate on the negative and even though I understand logically that the positives outweigh the negatives, the fact that moral injustice has happened lingers.
- I was diagnosed with psoriasis at a young age (has mostly cleared up, except small patches here and there). I have also always had an unusually large head.
- I am comfortable in loud places that are supposed to be loud, like concerts and bars, but I am extremely bothered by unexpected loud noises (but do not act awkwardly in social situations--again, this is all internalized). I am extremely sensitive to smells, especially bad ones.
- I don't believe I stim at all, or at least no one has called me out on it.
- I am extraordinarily rigid and stubborn, sometimes at the cost of my own enjoyment. As referenced before, I do not handle betrayals, etc. well. In my past, I have cut people off for months or years at a time because of this. In my everyday life, sometimes small missteps can set me off. I am not an angry person at all, but I have short bursts of anger if something unexpected and unpleasant happens.
- I do not like changes in routine. My brother and I have set times when we spend time together, and sometimes something unexpected happens and this can't happen. I've learned to just let it go externally, but it bothers me internally a lot. If plans change, I'm oftentimes irritated and anxious. I think the worse, even when I try hard to think logically and positively about these changes.
- I have things set "just so" in my house, and while I do not have emotions attached to them being moved or rotated, I will compulsively put them back as they should be. This includes pens with pen caps that I like lined up with the words on the pen or plush toys in the house on my shelf.
- I find extreme comfort in events happening in a set pattern or formula. This includes math, report writing (work), games, and traditions. When things are done repeatedly and routinely--when most people would find this potentially mind-numbingly boring--I find peace in it.
- Language is easy for me. In fact, I've been an award-winning prolific writer (small contests, nothing like Pulitzers, haha). Idioms, sarcasm, and complex language are easy for me. In fact, I'd say they're easier for me than most people. Sometimes when people make jokes teasing me, I get offended pretty quickly and have a hard time seeing that THAT is a joke.
Well, that's a lot. I'm not sure what else to share about. I'm pretty much an open book if someone is so generous as to tackle this ridiculous post asking for help. Does anyone identify with this marriage of characteristics? I know not everyone with Autism presents the same, and some strengths/weaknesses in symptoms are likely to occur, but even as a professional, I can't decide if I'm on the spectrum. Thanks so much for your time and attention.
