Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm new here.
Self-diagnosed (high-functioning ASD), I have an assessment booked quite soon so I'm having kittens whilst waiting for someone who doesn't know me to have a crack at telling me what I already conclusively know, I'm not NT.
My current level of stress is predominantly focused on other people's expectations. After a recent bereavement, and subsequent departure of a sibling emegrating overseas, I am left at a stage of life unfamiliar to me - no close family, just my partner and me in a new city, with all of life's expectation sat on my shoulders.
Whilst I try to run a business, commute, and build a new life in this city (this alone is exhausting me daily), I am expected by my partner and aging parents to now want to add children to this situation. Something I have been wrestling with for a while.
I like kids sometimes, but the idea of having that as a new responsibility on top of my business, immense social isolation, and chronic IBD that is triggered by stress, has left me often feeling suicidal. My anxiety is pumping around my body daily and I have panic attacks each time I get on the train, the long commute leaves me exhausted and I have to psych myself up to even go to the station, so I'm so exhausted by the time I've done it twice and get home. How children would be as an addition to this frightens the life out of me.
Just wondering, how do others deal with expectations like having children when you already feel you completely deplete your reserves daily just trying to live?
I love my partner so maybe I should love her enough to let someone else love her? I just don't think I can survive without her, we've been together for over a decade and that relationship is the best thing in my life. All my friends moved away, the others have kids and no longer respond or venture out. I'm finding meeting g new people very hard
Hi
I'm in a similar position to you. I have Asperger's, I've lost both my parents & most relatives are the other end of the country so I'm basically alone. I'm married with one child. I too have terrible IBD and also, most of my friends have retired and moved hundreds of miles away.
I'll be blunt - kids are a load of stress - but they are also more fun than you can shake a stick at - way better than a dog. They give you the excuse to buy loads of toys and play with them with your kids. Watching them grow up is amazing. They are also your legacy - it gives you purpose.
There is one thing you might want to think about - odds are you 'mask' (present a nice user-interface to the world to cover your social inadequacies). This doesn't work with kids - they change so fast that you will not be able to adapt the mask fast enough so it might cause difficulties relating to your kids - normally when they get to 7+ and they start developing individual personalities.
You need to be really honest and talk to your wife about the practicalities of splitting the responsibilities of dealing with the kids - you will be excellent at the 'low emotion' stuff like playing games with them (and losing to boost their confidence), playing rough and tumble, helping with homework, taking them places, teaching them skills, doing fun bathtimes, long cuddles before bedtimes, reading them stories etc.
Your wife will be much better at the 'soft skills' like dealing with their emotional development, dealing with cuts & bruises, listening to their problems, dealing with school, other parents, organising birthday parties, knowing who their friends are - all the social, emotional stuff.
We've turned out a perfectly well balanced child.
Personally, I joined meetup groups to get more social life in a low-commitment way.