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Help needed!

NAS50410

Hi,

I'm a 36 year old female. I started looking up ASD as I suspect my eldest child is ASD, the more I read, researched and looked up, I realised I in fact have ASD, I've taken all the online test I could find and they all came back as strong ASD/PDA traits.

In many ways it comes as a massive relief that's its not all in my head. I've never fit in, always been one to do my own thing dress how I please etc. I have always been made tofeel like I'm a freak, weirdo or less than others in sociality.

I've often had my thoughts and feelings dismissed because I'm so blunt with them. I was always taught that honestly is the best policy but amongst NT it doesn't work like that and people dislike you more.

I've never understood the dynamics of 'normal' friendship as none of them seem to actually be friends at all. There are lots of things I've never socially understood.

For many years I took on learned behaviour of how my 'so-called' friends behaved towards each other but this a few years ago became so emotionally and physically draining for me. 10years ago I started drinking heavily as everyone else does but because I have a mild addictive personality this didn't work well with me.

Recently I have just cut off from everything and 98% of people in my life (they aren't good for me).

I was reading about Autistic Burnout and also believe that's what I have been having for the last year and a bit. My brain is actually exhausted for pretending to be normal in order to fit in, make friends ect. Now I've mentally, physically and emotionally.(ones I do have) have shut down. I also suffer with frustration(self harmed in the past)I used to smash things (until I realised I had to clean it up) I get major anxiety in places where there are ro many people or crowds (I love the idea) I definitely need an out let for my frustration and anger.

I just want to be understood but this is harder than I thought. I need to find people who are like me or feel like me.

People who understand, do I ask to much? I also believe no one is ever going to love me after being branded a freak most of my early life into adult life.

Alot of the time I feel very very alone because I'm not like the people around me. 

I know it comes across as I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm not, I simply don't want to feel alone anymore.

Parents

  • Hi. 

    You will find lots of people like yourself here, so you are definitely in the right place. Please know that you are not alone.

    When I went to my GP last year to ask to be referred for assessment, I took with me a completed AQ10 test and a few notes I had made explaining why I thought I may be autistic. My GP then agreed to refer me and I was accepted for an assessment. You have explained really well on here why you feel you may be on the spectrum, so maybe you could write a lot of that down and take it to your GP. 

Reply

  • Hi. 

    You will find lots of people like yourself here, so you are definitely in the right place. Please know that you are not alone.

    When I went to my GP last year to ask to be referred for assessment, I took with me a completed AQ10 test and a few notes I had made explaining why I thought I may be autistic. My GP then agreed to refer me and I was accepted for an assessment. You have explained really well on here why you feel you may be on the spectrum, so maybe you could write a lot of that down and take it to your GP. 

Children
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