? Benefits of diagnosis

I'm going to be kicking off my attempt to get a formal diagnosis next Wednesday morning when I see my GP. I've been treated for generalised anxiety for getting on for 11 or 12 years now with the usual anti-depressants and a couple of courses of CBT but never been quite happy with that diagnosis. I've lived in this pattern of feeling largely fine all the while I'm firmly in my comfort zone doing the same routine at home for weeks on end to the point that I start to feel guilty and like some kind of a fraud for being on ESA. At that point I usually push myself to do try and find work by asking for help to do so from my adviser at the jobcenter or similar, and for a little while everything goes relatively well; I browse for potential jobs, I email off applications and while I start to feel nervous I still feel I can cope. Then comes the stage when someone either responds or I get pushed to phone places to chase up on potential opportunities and this is where the wheels start to come off for me but I push on because I just can't find the words to explain to the adviser or even myself WHY its so uncomfortable to phone strangers out of the blue or why the idea of going for an interview is so terrifying. So, I meekly say yes and do my best to look like I'm getting on ok. I made it as far as practising interview technique with an adviser from the Shaw Trust last time last summer before I couldn't keep the tears out of my eyes and had to apologise and leave. I still remember clearly the rest of that morning as it scared the hell out of me because I didn't understand why I felt like I did. I've always had sensitive hearing and been one of those people that can't tune out background noise and finds bright light uncomfortable but I had no idea that things weren't this way for everyone else for the simple reason that if I said something when younger and was given one of those "oh everyone dislikes blah blah blah" or "everyone finds x y or z difficult" throwaway comments in response I took it literally to mean that my experience was the default for want of a better way of putting it. But that morning I was so distressed and sunlight seemed painfully bright and even birds chirping seemed like they were shouting at me with hostile intent. I went and sat in a park under some trees for a while until I could function and eventually made my way onto a bus home where I burst into tears again for reasons I still can't explain. I did make it home alright and my GP told me I had had a panic attack and to keep trying but I couldn't help but fall back on my old comfortable routine at home and isolate myself again, its the only way I started to feel calm again.

Years ago right at the start of the period I was signed off sick with anxiety which started after I couldn't cope in my first job after Uni I was given counselling at my GPs surgery and the lady gave me some print outs she had found about aspergers and I could see some similarity with myself in what I read but since I applied a very black and white view in my comparison I wasn't convinced. I did mention it to the GP at the time but they didn't seem enthusiastic so I let it slide. It wasn't until I was talking to a good friend I had made playing world of warcraft and she explained in more depth that what I was going through sounded an awful lot like her experiences with ASD that I started to dig into reading up on peoples experiences and at the end of November everything just suddenly seemed to make sense to me about my whole life.

I've always had some difficulties socially, in primary school I was very easily led by the other kids for their own amusement and I have found some of my school reports from back then describing how I was either too quiet or too chatty, fixated on certain subjects and at times other children had complained to the teacher that I was "too silly". I also found references dating back to when I was 8 or 9 about me still reversing my letters and complaints from the teacher that my creative writing exercises were "marred by nonsensical passages" - I even have a vague recollection that I was pulled out for some kind of special lessons but I can't recall the specifics and it didn't go on long enough for my parents to know much about it either when I asked them. I had trouble going from primary to secondary as I was sent to the local grammar but developed irritable bowel and missed so much time that they transferred me to the local secondary school that many of my friends were at. I also have memories of being picked on in my teenage years for having a monotonous voice, a teacher ridiculing me in the sixth form for walking like a robot with my arms rigid at my sides, and it took me two attempts to actually make it to university with the first attempt ending after a week in a panic. 

Believe it or not despite all this I simply though I was to blame and was somehow bad at coping with what everyone had to experience until I read my first personal account of what it is like to live with ASD and a lightbulb went on. I think for me the value in getting a diagnosis would be that I could maybe finally understand that its not my fault for struggling to cope and maybe even let go of some of the self loathing that inevitably builds up over the years of self blame. Until it gets confirmed by a professional I will also not be sure, not feel quite right in my new found understanding as I HATE being in a grey area. Its very important to me to have a concrete understanding of where I stand and what the rules are to find any kind of comfort in any situation. Sorry for the wall of text but I thought some background might help explain why I find the idea of finally having a reason why and maybe even a group I fit into so appealing

I'm going to be kicking off my attempt to get a formal diagnosis next Wednesday morning when I see my GP. I've been treated for generalised anxiety for getting on for 11 or 12 years now with the usual anti-depressants and a couple of courses of CBT but never been quite happy with that diagnosis. I've lived in this pattern of feeling largely fine all the while I'm firmly in my comfort zone doing the same routine at home for weeks on end to the point that I start to feel guilty and like some kind of a fraud for being on ESA. At that point I usually push myself to do try and find work by asking for help to do so from my adviser at the jobcenter or similar, and for a little while everything goes relatively well; I browse for potential jobs, I email off applications and while I start to feel nervous I still feel I can cope. Then comes the stage when someone either responds or I get pushed to phone places to chase up on potential opportunities and this is where the wheels start to come off for me but I push on because I just can't find the words to explain to the adviser or even myself WHY its so uncomfortable to phone strangers out of the blue or why the idea of going for an interview is so terrifying. So, I meekly say yes and do my best to look like I'm getting on ok. I made it as far as practising interview technique with an adviser from the Shaw Trust last time last summer before I couldn't keep the tears out of my eyes and had to apologise and leave. I still remember clearly the rest of that morning as it scared the hell out of me because I didn't understand why I felt like I did. I've always had sensitive hearing and been one of those people that can't tune out background noise and finds bright light uncomfortable but I had no idea that things weren't this way for everyone else for the simple reason that if I said something when younger and was given one of those "oh everyone dislikes blah blah blah" or "everyone finds x y or z difficult" throwaway comments in response I took it literally to mean that my experience was the default for want of a better way of putting it. But that morning I was so distressed and sunlight seemed painfully bright and even birds chirping seemed like they were shouting at me with hostile intent. I went and sat in a park under some trees for a while until I could function and eventually made my way onto a bus home where I burst into tears again for reasons I still can't explain. I did make it home alright and my GP told me I had had a panic attack and to keep trying but I couldn't help but fall back on my old comfortable routine at home and isolate myself again, its the only way I started to feel calm again.

Years ago right at the start of the period I was signed off sick with anxiety which started after I couldn't cope in my first job after Uni I was given counselling at my GPs surgery and the lady gave me some print outs she had found about aspergers and I could see some similarity with myself in what I read but since I applied a very black and white view in my comparison I wasn't convinced. I did mention it to the GP at the time but they didn't seem enthusiastic so I let it slide. It wasn't until I was talking to a good friend I had made playing world of warcraft and she explained in more depth that what I was going through sounded an awful lot like her experiences with ASD that I started to dig into reading up on peoples experiences and at the end of November everything just suddenly seemed to make sense to me about my whole life.

I've always had some difficulties socially, in primary school I was very easily led by the other kids for their own amusement and I have found some of my school reports from back then describing how I was either too quiet or too chatty, fixated on certain subjects and at times other children had complained to the teacher that I was "too silly". I also found references dating back to when I was 8 or 9 about me still reversing my letters and complaints from the teacher that my creative writing exercises were "marred by nonsensical passages" - I even have a vague recollection that I was pulled out for some kind of special lessons but I can't recall the specifics and it didn't go on long enough for my parents to know much about it either when I asked them. I had trouble going from primary to secondary as I was sent to the local grammar but developed irritable bowel and missed so much time that they transferred me to the local secondary school that many of my friends were at. I also have memories of being picked on in my teenage years for having a monotonous voice, a teacher ridiculing me in the sixth form for walking like a robot with my arms rigid at my sides, and it took me two attempts to actually make it to university with the first attempt ending after a week in a panic. 

Believe it or not despite all this I simply though I was to blame and was somehow bad at coping with what everyone had to experience until I read my first personal account of what it is like to live with ASD and a lightbulb went on. I think for me the value in getting a diagnosis would be that I could maybe finally understand that its not my fault for struggling to cope and maybe even let go of some of the self loathing that inevitably builds up over the years of self blame. Until it gets confirmed by a professional I will also not be sure, not feel quite right in my new found understanding as I HATE being in a grey area. Its very important to me to have a concrete understanding of where I stand and what the rules are to find any kind of comfort in any situation. Sorry for the wall of text but I thought some background might help explain why I find the idea of finally having a reason why and maybe even a group I fit into so appealing