I will try to keep this concise!
Christmas Day games are welcome. They break up a long day and mean I can socialise with a purpose. This is the only day i really see wider family. I love them but start to struggle as the initial "so what have you been up to"'s wear off.
When the child of the group ends up in my team im in turmoil inside. The purpose of games is to win. Now i know we wont. I weigh up "What would other people think?" Probably that theyre not bothered as its just a game, and theyre glad to see the family. So that is what i do.
Before games start said child is screaming excitedly. Everyone is talking louder and louder. Im trying to organise the game but everything is too loud and i just cant concentrate on anything at all. Instead of getting stressed, its all internal i keep my smile, turn to my partner, he knows and his face makes everything ok.
Boxing Day. Wake up with The Feeling as we will be seeing in-law extended family later (who are actually lovely). Take a few St Johns Wort to prepare.
Get there and its not so bad as only 2 other pairs of adults plus one mum and teenager. Manageable. Then another mum and son turn up. Again manageable as the group now split into 2 smaller groups. Later 4 more adults and three kids turn up. We are mostly all in one room. I dont know who to talk to or how to join in. I sit on the edge of the sofa observing. Someone sits on the other edge and joins in the sofa conversation straight away. How do people do that. I ususlly sit there till someone speaks to me but they dont becayse i probably dont give signals off that i want to join in. (Yes i sound about 12 years old here). I find my place and do my best with small talk even tho its boring for both of us.Even after 15 years i struggle to get past small talk with some of them. Why did he ask me how work is going? He doesnt even care. I struggle with this question usually. Work never changes so i never have anything to say. Unless you do the same job as me in which case i can go on for hours. Trying to eat in a dignified manner while talking and realising my mouthfuls are too big. Making conversation and eating in front of non-familiar people is difficult as both require thought. I have 2 toilet breaks even tho i dont need the loo. (A conscious coping mechanism since realising i probably have AS). After about 1.5-2 hours with everyone there im reaching my maximum so just end up sitting there. The lighrs feel theyre getting brighter and brighter. The noise is getting louder and louder. Im struggling more. I dont bother offering contributions to the group as i know theyll come out jumbled up so just "yes / mmhmm / oh right"/smile along. Asking a question to keep someone going requires a lot of brain power.
People start duspersing so i help with the washing up.
Come away and get home to the cat. Partner watches TV. My mind doesnt race as much as in past years. Is it because we now have a cat my focus switches when i get in? Is it because im more self-aware and know i cant change fundamentally who i am? Is it becausr after a few hours i just sat there and didnt expend as much energy ss usual? Perhaps its becayse i didnt talk as much myself so there was less to analyse. Perhaps its cos we had a different structure to christmas day so i wasnt as tired b4 boxing day. Who knows.
All i know is, i realised a few years ago that despite my partner being a bit shy he can hold his own amongst my family and friends. This is not the case for me with his family and friends.
Hope yourr all having the type of Christmas that you want and is right for you.
