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Partner of someone recently diagnosed

NAS50295

Hi I'm looking for some advice my husband has recently been diagnosed with high functioning autusm as it became apparent he had no empathy with the children (aged 5 and 2) when they hurt the self or become upset. It set off a spiral of other connections such as unable to see other point of view obsessive gaming unable to follow more than one instruction taking things literally not seeing the inappropriateness of certain comments and behaviours all things we have argued for years over. While im aware now that these things can't be helped and knowing helps to accept them and move on I'm so concerned about how to explain it to the kids that daddy does love them he just isn't always able to show it when they get hurt or are upset. I have anxiety and this has really sent me through a loop. I'm trying so hard to act normally and enjoy Christmas but inside I'm panicking. I love my husband so much and I can handle the fact that little affection and emotional support comes from him as I've had that for 12 years but how do I support my kids in that when they are getting to an age now where they need it from him. 

  • Hi NAS50295,

    It sounds like you might find it helpful to have a look at our information page for partners of people with autism - https://www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/partners.aspx - which has communication and relationship strategies, advice on family life, and links to other resources on the subject.

    Hope this is of some help,

    Best wishes,

    Ross - mod

  • Hi

    The reason I got diagnosed with aspergers is because I couldn't interface to my daughter - the model I used for humans didn't work for children because they grow & change so fast - and I couldn't adapt fast enough.

    If your husband is recently diagnosed, he'll be working through a whole load of his own issues for himeself - like suddenly being labelled as faulty.

    I would suggest that him stepping out and gaming is because he cannot process the changing environment so he hides in something safe and well understood for him.

    My wife and I decided to split the parent tasks so I did all the bits i was good at - reading to her, drawing, taking her to playgrounds, rough & tumble, doing fun food, bathtimes, sorting out toys, warm hugs & stories before bedtime, fixing bikes etc.(all the low emotional-demand stuff) - and my wife did all the soft/emotional supportive stuff - the school interface, talking to teachers, dealing with the her when she was upset, doctors appointments, fixing boo-boos etc.

    Our daughter has turned out to be a particularly well-balanced young woman.

    Try not to force him to do things he will be bad at - it reinforces the negativity in his own mind. Just work out what bits you're both good at and split the load.

    Kids don't need to be told that daddy still loves them (it makes him sound faulty) - they work it all out from quality time spent with each parent - so engineer good quality time.

    Have a chat with him and make suggestions for him - he may be completely lost in the whole situation.