Telling my husband

Hi Chiffchaff, I'm not a regular contributor here but may be able to reinforce what some others have said, though I'm male with a later-life diagnosis 5 years ago.  It takes a long time to get an NHS diagnosis and at the end of it the feeling may be "so what?".  I had problems at work more or less throughout my working life but didn't go for a diagnosis until after retiring, when I thought the effect of social stigma would be less.  Until fairly recently, autism wasn't as I understand it a "protected disability" at work while depression, stress etc could require adaptations from employers, at least in a unionised environment, so if I had mental health issues at work I was happy to accept my GP's diagnoses of workplace stress, depression etc.

You ask whether your husband will be involved - in my experience not, no-one asked my wife to be involved and my parents were both dead.  I have heard that some diagnostic techniques involve discussion with people who knew you as a child, but there aren't any around except my younger brother who lives some distance away.  I did consider getting a diagnosis to access support services restricted to those with diagnoses, to find that most of these, in financially-straitened times, were only available to "serious" cases eg people with learning disabilities, people who needed care assistants to bring them to support meetings etc.  What I did find useful was an informal daytime support group organised by NAS, of other over-40 adults, though I had to travel 30-40 miles to attend, fortunately with a good rail connection.  It was interesting to meet others on the autistic spectrum and be able to discuss this openly.  I'm sure I'd worked with some colleagues in IT, Finance, electronics etc who've been on the spectrum, but they either weren't aware or weren't willing to acknowledge this, whether they had diagnoses or not.

You mention mental health support more generally and I'm sorry to hear you've had suicidal attempts etc in the past.  I had suicidal thoughts when younger but never went through with it.  Getting married gave me too many responsibilities! Another take-away I've had from meeting others on the spectrum and reading a little (though not a lot) on the Internet is that common mental health support for "co-morbid" or "associated" conditions like depression, anxiety etc often involves Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, CBT, and there seem to be problems in applying CBT to autistic people though the techniques seem to work well enough on many neuro-typical, NT, people.  That hasn't helped me to deal with continuing depression but does console me a bit that previous attempts to employ CBT-related techniques haven't been particularly useful for me.

I also now recognise now, from meeting others on the spectrum, that I do have at least moderate continuing anxiety and that this is probably a life-long condition.  Before, I recognised periods of stress and depression but put my general unease beyond that, down to being really conscientious where now I see myself as being over-anxious, relative to the normal population.  I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about that yet, but it's a form of learning.

A final comment is that I did find some help by using a life coach rather than a mental health therapist of some kind.  Chosing life coaches is a fraught business, though, with limited qualifications and standards, and I was fortunate in falling into contact with one coach, first because she was offering voluntary support to carers (I was involved in dementia care for a relative at the time) so we had time to get to know each other in a setting based around care for someone else.  Later, I found she also had an autistic teenage son though again with no learning disability, and that may have helped.  She concentrated on asking what I was wanting to do, and how she could help, then offered tailored advice on specific topics in fortnightly or monthly sessions.   More of a paid friend and adviser, and definitely not a therapist or counsellor, but I found it useful for a couple of years with various issues, and as a person on the spectrum, you'll not be surprised to hear I don't have many friends to ask for advice.

It sounds llke you are in a potentially fraught situation in working for your husband and in having had some mental health issues.  But I'd suggest trying to get on with life and supporting and caring for your daughter and husband, get a diagnosis when it finally turns up, maybe investigate what support is available in your area, and only then consider whether to disclose this to your husband.  I did tell my wife about my diagnosis eventually and she's been supportive, though I suspect she's still a bit baffled.   We've been married for well over 20 years and I think she just thought I was eccentric rather than autistic.  I like to think I've always been fairly attentive and materially supportive for her and our son.  People on the spectrum may get some benefits from our attention to detail and lack of distractions by external social activities!

Good luck and best wishes!

Hi Chiffchaff, I'm not a regular contributor here but may be able to reinforce what some others have said, though I'm male with a later-life diagnosis 5 years ago.  It takes a long time to get an NHS diagnosis and at the end of it the feeling may be "so what?".  I had problems at work more or less throughout my working life but didn't go for a diagnosis until after retiring, when I thought the effect of social stigma would be less.  Until fairly recently, autism wasn't as I understand it a "protected disability" at work while depression, stress etc could require adaptations from employers, at least in a unionised environment, so if I had mental health issues at work I was happy to accept my GP's diagnoses of workplace stress, depression etc.

You ask whether your husband will be involved - in my experience not, no-one asked my wife to be involved and my parents were both dead.  I have heard that some diagnostic techniques involve discussion with people who knew you as a child, but there aren't any around except my younger brother who lives some distance away.  I did consider getting a diagnosis to access support services restricted to those with diagnoses, to find that most of these, in financially-straitened times, were only available to "serious" cases eg people with learning disabilities, people who needed care assistants to bring them to support meetings etc.  What I did find useful was an informal daytime support group organised by NAS, of other over-40 adults, though I had to travel 30-40 miles to attend, fortunately with a good rail connection.  It was interesting to meet others on the autistic spectrum and be able to discuss this openly.  I'm sure I'd worked with some colleagues in IT, Finance, electronics etc who've been on the spectrum, but they either weren't aware or weren't willing to acknowledge this, whether they had diagnoses or not.

You mention mental health support more generally and I'm sorry to hear you've had suicidal attempts etc in the past.  I had suicidal thoughts when younger but never went through with it.  Getting married gave me too many responsibilities! Another take-away I've had from meeting others on the spectrum and reading a little (though not a lot) on the Internet is that common mental health support for "co-morbid" or "associated" conditions like depression, anxiety etc often involves Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, CBT, and there seem to be problems in applying CBT to autistic people though the techniques seem to work well enough on many neuro-typical, NT, people.  That hasn't helped me to deal with continuing depression but does console me a bit that previous attempts to employ CBT-related techniques haven't been particularly useful for me.

I also now recognise now, from meeting others on the spectrum, that I do have at least moderate continuing anxiety and that this is probably a life-long condition.  Before, I recognised periods of stress and depression but put my general unease beyond that, down to being really conscientious where now I see myself as being over-anxious, relative to the normal population.  I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about that yet, but it's a form of learning.

A final comment is that I did find some help by using a life coach rather than a mental health therapist of some kind.  Chosing life coaches is a fraught business, though, with limited qualifications and standards, and I was fortunate in falling into contact with one coach, first because she was offering voluntary support to carers (I was involved in dementia care for a relative at the time) so we had time to get to know each other in a setting based around care for someone else.  Later, I found she also had an autistic teenage son though again with no learning disability, and that may have helped.  She concentrated on asking what I was wanting to do, and how she could help, then offered tailored advice on specific topics in fortnightly or monthly sessions.   More of a paid friend and adviser, and definitely not a therapist or counsellor, but I found it useful for a couple of years with various issues, and as a person on the spectrum, you'll not be surprised to hear I don't have many friends to ask for advice.

It sounds llke you are in a potentially fraught situation in working for your husband and in having had some mental health issues.  But I'd suggest trying to get on with life and supporting and caring for your daughter and husband, get a diagnosis when it finally turns up, maybe investigate what support is available in your area, and only then consider whether to disclose this to your husband.  I did tell my wife about my diagnosis eventually and she's been supportive, though I suspect she's still a bit baffled.   We've been married for well over 20 years and I think she just thought I was eccentric rather than autistic.  I like to think I've always been fairly attentive and materially supportive for her and our son.  People on the spectrum may get some benefits from our attention to detail and lack of distractions by external social activities!

Good luck and best wishes!