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Don't know where to turn

Viserion

Good evening, i will try and keep this short (can't promise) and to the point (might be a bit of a jumbled mess) lol. There are a number of issues i need to address so bare with me. Firstly i am very concerned about my girlfriend who i believe has aspergers (undiagnosed) she is 47 and has a 19 year old son who has aspergers (diagnosed), they have led what seams to be an almost perfect relationship until one evening back in April he left the family home without a word. We have established that he is living in a flat in the nearest town and "seams" to be ok (only based on various sightings). Now its been almost 8 months that has passed and he has made no contact with his mum or his grandparents, obviously this has been very heartbreaking for the family. She can't go knocking on his door because of the fear that he will just run further away, so she has managed to send some gifts and a few letters asking for some contact but she still hasn't heard anything. I have a few theories as to why he has done this but i can't be sure. 

Now after being with my girlfriend for almost a year now i can see that life must of been very difficult for him, she is the most amazing person you could meet and would do anything for anyone. But she struggles with so many battles, she is very introvert and would rather be on her own most of the time, she struggles with crowd, noise and light, she always does things logically and has a somewhat routine before she goes to work in the evenings. She expects to have everything perfectly, she will have a vision in her head how the day will go and if it doesn't go to plan then she will have a meltdown. Now i will try and give her as much time as she wants, will try and make her day to be as perfect as i can and i try to always put her needs before mine but its never enough. I know that she and her son had such a strong bond and did everything together that when i do things differently she doesn't understand. She knows that i am not like her son so everything i do will be different but the differences keep coming up and she is trying to get me to do all the things that her son did. They think the same, finish each other's sentences off, laugh at the same thing. So me being me and everything i do is so different to them and this brings up problems all the time. She will pick at everything i do and say, its almost like bullying but i know this is not her thats doing it, its her autism. We have both spoke about what we want in the relationship and that what she does is causing a lot of problems. But we just end up going over the same issues time and time again. I'm not mr perfect by a long way and the things i do can cause her some irratation. So i learn and try to adapt but its difficult, i will almost have to become a completely different person if i want to stay with her. 

so i'm not quite sure what my next step is, my head is a bit all over the place at the moment, its her birthday coming up and christmas so thats going to be very difficult for my girlfriend to cope with without her son. I'm kind of looking for some advice on how to get her son back, steps i can do to make her life a little easier i guess. 

Thanks for taking the time in reading this

  • in reply to Sunflower

    Hi, thank you so much for your reply. Was beginging to think i am completely alone in all of this :(. I really hope her son will get in contact soon as its her birthday on sunday. I actually bumped into him last week and spoke with him, he was initially spooked and walked off but he returned and apologised. I told him he should contact his mum but we will see what happens. 

    We have spoke about the problems we are having, but nothing seams to improve. We are drifting further and further apart, she spends most of her day alone and we only see each other at work (as we work together). It feels like we are becoming strangers, i want to be able to have a normal relationship with her, but it seams that she will only choose when she wants to see me and not. With her son gone its obviously had a real knock on effect and I'm not sure she will recover from it. She tells me she doesn't know how to be happy anymore and it doesnt matter what i do to try and make her happy it will never be enough. She feels lost and confused without him in her life and i feel she wants me to fill his shoes. She will question the things that make me smile and happy, its like if she is down and unhappy then i should be as well. But i have to try and keep my spirits up for her and for me. It doesnt help that we are completely different people in every aspect of life, so there are many challenges to overcome. 

    I hope that you and your husband will be ok and its good to hear that you are also seeking some help, My girlfriend has not been diagnosed as having aspergers so the first step is for her to get diagnosed but she is unwilling to do so saying there's no point in getting diagnosed. 

    will have a look at the links to partners with aspergers :) thanks for your time and help, take care

  • Hi there saw your message when you first posted it but I was not sure what to say. I am still not sure but thought I'd reply just so you know someone cares. I'm 58, female and married, and very recently diagnosed autistic. Me and my husband are going to have some relationship counselling as we find that miscommunication can happen quite easily and we both end up getting upset. 

    I am not sure how possible or advisable it is for someone to completely change themself in order to be in a relationship with someone else. I have tried it myself and failed every time. If you are going to be together it will probably need both of you to make some adjustments - that is where someone outside the situation like a Relate counsellor can be really helpful. If we try and discuss this ourselves we will end up fallin out. 

    The situation with your girlfriend's son is tricky. As you say he probably has his own reasons for moving out and ending contact. For your girlfriend this must be a massive shock and cause of grief. It will be difficult for her to come to terms with this. Whilst getting her son back may be good for her it may not necessarily be good for him. When parents and adult children are so tightly bonded together it can become stifling. Perhaps there is a half way position whereby some contact can be reestablished between your girlfriend and her son. 

    Take care of yourself in all this. Here are forums and publications specifically for partners of autistic people you might find helpful.