My autistic partner

Welcome to the forum, Ed.

Sorry to hear about the trouble you're having. Ironically, many of the autistic people here will probably identify with you, as dyspraxia is such a common component of autism that we're often the ones on the receiving end of criticism for our own clumsiness!

It's hard to know exactly what advice to give you without knowing your partner, but I often have a problem myself with letting go of something, thinking rationally about it, and seeing any other point of view, once something has heightened my arousal levels. In essence, it becomes a "mini melt-down", where the fight-or-flight reaction has been triggered, leading to extreme defensiveness and/or verbal aggression. Trying to deal with the problem rationally while my arousal level is still high is impossible, and attempts to calm me down can often end up just making the situation worse, as my brain is already over-stimulated and cannot handle further input without overloading yet further.

I can also struggle to discern intuitively the difference between things which are random, accidental, or instinctive to other people versus things which are pre-meditated - in other words, a profound feeling that everything that happens has to have a rational motive or reason behind it. My impression is that  this is heightened by a lifetime of experiencing endless criticism from the people around me for the things that I myself do unintentionally, but which others have deemed intentional and inappropriate. When over-stimulated, this becomes my primary intuitive response to the situation even if, when calm, I'd intellectually be able to reason that it is an irrational response. Even if I feel remorseful afterwards, this can be very hard to admit and I can become very defensive, as it also means admitting to my own irrationality, which is an aspect of my mind which I find quite frightening due to my strong need to feel that everything should be logical and systematic.

So, firstly, I would advise that, despite your partner's ability to communicate, albeit only in a very unpleasant way, you treat such situations as you would a melt-down. Engage with argument, or even attempts to calm him verbally, as little as possible, and if you can, withdraw from the situation as much as you can until his arousal levels have dropped. The more difficult part will be to find a way to discuss the problem during a more calm moment so that he doesn't feel overly criticised for his reactions. Key to this will be getting across the idea that while your hurt is real, you are not implying that he is hurting you intentionally, and in fact are looking to work together to avoid what, for him as much as for you, is undoubtedly a very stressful experience.

The best way for him to manage these outbursts is likely to be better stress and anxiety management generally; that is, to try to avoid arousal levels being so close to breaking point that there will be a "last straw that breaks the camel's back". Indeed, this is how I've learned to manage my own melt-downs and shut-downs; they are much rarer than they used to be because I now regulate how much socialising I do, take time-outs from stressful situations or avoid unnecessary ones, and spend periods of time isolated from other people with my hobbies and interests. All of these help to lower my general anxiety levels, though, of course, your partner will have to work out what works best for him. It is not perfect, and I do still blow up from time to time, but it has made some profound improvements.

Welcome to the forum, Ed.

Sorry to hear about the trouble you're having. Ironically, many of the autistic people here will probably identify with you, as dyspraxia is such a common component of autism that we're often the ones on the receiving end of criticism for our own clumsiness!

It's hard to know exactly what advice to give you without knowing your partner, but I often have a problem myself with letting go of something, thinking rationally about it, and seeing any other point of view, once something has heightened my arousal levels. In essence, it becomes a "mini melt-down", where the fight-or-flight reaction has been triggered, leading to extreme defensiveness and/or verbal aggression. Trying to deal with the problem rationally while my arousal level is still high is impossible, and attempts to calm me down can often end up just making the situation worse, as my brain is already over-stimulated and cannot handle further input without overloading yet further.

I can also struggle to discern intuitively the difference between things which are random, accidental, or instinctive to other people versus things which are pre-meditated - in other words, a profound feeling that everything that happens has to have a rational motive or reason behind it. My impression is that  this is heightened by a lifetime of experiencing endless criticism from the people around me for the things that I myself do unintentionally, but which others have deemed intentional and inappropriate. When over-stimulated, this becomes my primary intuitive response to the situation even if, when calm, I'd intellectually be able to reason that it is an irrational response. Even if I feel remorseful afterwards, this can be very hard to admit and I can become very defensive, as it also means admitting to my own irrationality, which is an aspect of my mind which I find quite frightening due to my strong need to feel that everything should be logical and systematic.

So, firstly, I would advise that, despite your partner's ability to communicate, albeit only in a very unpleasant way, you treat such situations as you would a melt-down. Engage with argument, or even attempts to calm him verbally, as little as possible, and if you can, withdraw from the situation as much as you can until his arousal levels have dropped. The more difficult part will be to find a way to discuss the problem during a more calm moment so that he doesn't feel overly criticised for his reactions. Key to this will be getting across the idea that while your hurt is real, you are not implying that he is hurting you intentionally, and in fact are looking to work together to avoid what, for him as much as for you, is undoubtedly a very stressful experience.

The best way for him to manage these outbursts is likely to be better stress and anxiety management generally; that is, to try to avoid arousal levels being so close to breaking point that there will be a "last straw that breaks the camel's back". Indeed, this is how I've learned to manage my own melt-downs and shut-downs; they are much rarer than they used to be because I now regulate how much socialising I do, take time-outs from stressful situations or avoid unnecessary ones, and spend periods of time isolated from other people with my hobbies and interests. All of these help to lower my general anxiety levels, though, of course, your partner will have to work out what works best for him. It is not perfect, and I do still blow up from time to time, but it has made some profound improvements.