post diagnosis acceptance?

Hello and welcome Zomted. You sound pretty similar to me. I didn't know much at all about Autism, and after a breakdown my doctor suggested I took the AQ test, I did it, scored pretty high, and went to a diagnosis. Went in not knowing anything, been learning about everything since. I was also diagnosed with synaesthesia.

I'd had several breakdowns, spells in secondary mental health care, and acquired a massive drink, and drug habit. All the sensory stuff was my main problem, I thought I was going to completely lose my sanity. My diagnosis explained a lot about that stuff. I went to several workshops, where the main point seemed to be drawing a line between people with ASD and "neurotypicals", by people who weren't even on the spectrum. It felt pointless. People are just people. There are just arseholes, and people who aren't arseholes. People with ASD are 1% of the population, I don't want to have some line drawn between me and the other 99%. I'd rather just deal with the arsehole principle. I decided to just work it out by myself, and I found a worker who was particularly understanding.

I could always hold down a job. I climbed the career ladder too. I have quite a few good, close friends. I've been able to hold down a few long term relationships. However I'd been on and off medication since I was 13 or 14, kept having breakdowns, I was drinking like the Queen Mother, and I was as high as a kite most of the time to cope. I have a terrible streak of anger too. I'm not a shouty person, but I can be a nasty fucker when I get angry. I used to scare myself. Overall though I'd say I'm a pretty decent person. Loyal to a fault, and fair. Lots of pros and cons there.

I used my diagnosis to work out what ASD had given me within all of my experiences. Like I say I've got pros and cons. The things that work with your life, keep, don't listen to people who say this, that, and the third, have to change. If something is working for you, keep it. The stuff you do find a problem, lose, or change. Decide for yourself what they are. Now is a perfect opportunity to make changes, as you are already in a state of flux.

Zomted said:

Guess at the end of the day I don’t like admitting that I can’t actually manage stuff. I guess that’s what comes of trying to pretend you can for so many years until you actually have a breakdown! 

I'm the same. 38 years of not asking for help or admitting things were getting on top of me, nearly destroyed me. Lol, perserverance is a trait a lot of people on the spectrum have. A lot of times to a fault. Hey, look at it like this, you were tough enough to soldier on for so long. That's admirable. That's a form of strength right there. I have a feeling that you might be fine to just ask for a few adjustments at work. There's requesting and demanding. People who request normally come off OK. I don't think your boss would mind. To be honest *** anyone who thinks that you are getting "special" treatment. They probably don't the capacity to get it. They'll get over it. You come across as pretty reasonable, you rationalise well. Ask for the small adjustments. After a month or two no-one will notice.

Zomted said:

im told it’s normal to go through this phase before properly accepting an ASD diagnosis. I hope that’s right! The point of getting a diagnosis was to try to make things better but I guess that can’t happen without quite a lot or readjustment and effort on my part. I’ll get there.... I hope!

I'm two and a half years in and I had a massive identity crisis the first few months. I ended up thinking "I'm still me, I haven't transformed into a car or something". You are still the same person. I think the problem is when you start thinking "I'm Autistic", before you think "I'm me". This is an opportunity to keep the good and throw out the bad, or at least work on it. You will get there. Ffs, you managed to get through 43 years and keep going. That's strong. I like the way you think. You've come to terms with the weaknesses already by the sounds of things, and identified them. Just keep on keeping on, and make those aspects of you easier to cope with.

A wise lady once told me "I have Autism. Autism doesn't have me". That rang truer than a lot of the stuff I'd heard.

Good luck with working it all out. I have a feeling you will be OK.

All the best and welcome!

Thank you cloudy mountains. We do sound quite similar and it’s good to hear your experiences. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I needed that today!

’I have autism, autism doesn’t have me.’ I like that. We’re all human beings after all, with or without autism.

No problem at all Zomted, I was glad to share with you. One other thing I found is that people (even sometimes on the spectrum) will tell you "All people on the spectrum do X, Y, and Z. There were things I just didn't do, ever. On the other hand there were things I definitely do. It's all about recognising what applies to you. You don't need to buy into things that aren't a problem, you can however get advice, and share in the things that you may need to solve, or air out. You probably know what you are, and aren't comfortable with. 

It's so easy to lose yourself in it all at first. I think you have a strong idea of who you are, keep it that way. I'm comfortable with who I am, Autism or not. A diagnosis just helped me work on things that are a challenge, and recognise things I worked out myself. Nothing has changed inside you. You will still have the same personality. You just have a few more answers, the trick is not letting those answers turn into a million questions.

Lol, trust me I'm still working it all out myself! I'm no expert! I just don't see sense in picking up another load of baggage, after finding a way to drop some of the stuff I've been carrying for nearly 40 years.

Zomted said:

’I have autism, autism doesn’t have me.’ I like that. We’re all human beings after all, with or without autism.

When the person that said that, said it, things started to make a lot more sense. I think that seeing the world as you say is a little more easy for me to work with. People are just people, some are more difficult than others, that's the only distinction I want to make!

I hope today went well!

No problem at all Zomted, I was glad to share with you. One other thing I found is that people (even sometimes on the spectrum) will tell you "All people on the spectrum do X, Y, and Z. There were things I just didn't do, ever. On the other hand there were things I definitely do. It's all about recognising what applies to you. You don't need to buy into things that aren't a problem, you can however get advice, and share in the things that you may need to solve, or air out. You probably know what you are, and aren't comfortable with. 

It's so easy to lose yourself in it all at first. I think you have a strong idea of who you are, keep it that way. I'm comfortable with who I am, Autism or not. A diagnosis just helped me work on things that are a challenge, and recognise things I worked out myself. Nothing has changed inside you. You will still have the same personality. You just have a few more answers, the trick is not letting those answers turn into a million questions.

Lol, trust me I'm still working it all out myself! I'm no expert! I just don't see sense in picking up another load of baggage, after finding a way to drop some of the stuff I've been carrying for nearly 40 years.

Zomted said:

’I have autism, autism doesn’t have me.’ I like that. We’re all human beings after all, with or without autism.

When the person that said that, said it, things started to make a lot more sense. I think that seeing the world as you say is a little more easy for me to work with. People are just people, some are more difficult than others, that's the only distinction I want to make!

I hope today went well!