Published on 12, July, 2020
Does anybody else find that they struggle to manage their autistic traits far more at this time of year than normal? I've been really struggling lately, to the point where I questioned whether I could carry on with my job in its current form.
Part of it I think is the change of clocks, which, due to my completely ridiculous commute, now means that I leave in the dark and get home in the dark. I don't see daylight Monday to Friday as a result, because I work in London and the number of people is terrifying so I never, ever go outside at lunchtime. I know this isn't good for me because I do suffer from SAD so this just makes me depressed.
Thinking about it logically, I can see that I have had serious problems at this time for the last few years. In fact it was one of these periods that left me seriously questioning my mental state and that ultimately led to me figuring out what was going on and getting my AS diagnosis. But this time of year I have had anxiety go through the roof, walked out of jobs, had meltdowns .... too many things to be a coincidence.
Does anyone else find that this is a bad time generally?
I hate it when the clocks go back, and the nights get darker. I can't wait until the spring, when it changes again. I certainly feel negative thoughts more keenly during these darker months.
Yes, likewise. It's really not helped by my insomnia, either; my body clock gets so out of kilter that spending any time outdoors while the sky is bright can get very difficult. I was always jealous of the Blue Peter tortoise whenever it got to the annual episode where the jammy little bugger got wrapped in hay and stuck in a box in the bottom of the airing-cupboard until Spring - why can't that be me?!
I don't mark any religious festivals, and even birthdays only under duress, but the solstices and equinoxes are definitely milestones in my year, as are the daylight saving changes. The first half of the winter is when I usually feel most down, getting worse as the window for getting any daylight gradually closes. This isn't helped by the fact that I hate the palaver over Xmas and New Year. After the New Year, I generally start to improve a little bit, just from knowing that the days are finally getting longer again; but I don't really feel like I'm my proper self until the leaves on the trees are starting to open.