Tomorrow, I'm meeting up with the autism behavioural support team at work to discuss my issues - especially in the context of my meltdown the other week, my current sick leave and my relationship with a particular work colleague. All of these things are connected. I trusted the colleague - but when she turned against me over a trivial matter the other week, I became wary around her. I find people confusing enough, but when I get mixed messages like that it completely throws me. It has affected my behaviour around her, making me very cautious about anything I do - and when it gets like that, I can so easily make mistakes. I feel the situation that happened was very much influenced by that. I was feeling stressed with her around, and was also trying to deal with another stressful situation. With anyone else there, I would have asked for help. In fact, anyone else would have offered to help. It was almost as if she was letting things carry on until I lost control of the situation - to give her the opportunity she wanted to then have a go at me. I no longer wish to work around this colleague, and my manager has said that can be arranged. But even bumping into her accidentally during the course of the day gives me 'the fear' (that's the best way I can describe it).
I'm really worried about what to say tomorrow, though. Others on here have said I need to be honest and forthright, and I think that's the best policy. But I'm wondering what the consequences of that might be. I don't want to make a complaint because that would make things worse for me. On the other hand, they might construe what I say as a kind of allegation which will need to be put to this person to answer. I need to be assured of confidentiality because I want to return to work and wouldn't feel able to if things are in the open. Other people might then turn against me.
I think they'll probably say to me that I need to talk to her about how I feel and settle it that way. That would seem to be the most sensible solution. But knowing that I now can't trust her, and knowing how she can be, I can't see how that will work. I don't think she'll be receptive to it. She's very 'black and white', and certainly doesn't take kindly to any suggestion that she might be wrong over something. I've had a couple of tastes of this in the past, when I was still friendly with her. She refuses to accept a point of view if she disagrees with it. She's not open to discussion. Her word is final. So I think if I talk to her, she'll probably turn even more against me. It's very difficult, and I'm very nervous about the whole situation. I need to be truthful, but I'm scared about where that might lead.
The best thing would be for me to get another job and start over - be clear of the place. But that's easier said than done. I've been looking at vacancies, and there isn't much around that's very suitable. Care is what I know, but all of those vacancies that I've seen include shift work and nights, which I don't want. On the other hand, maybe I'm just burnt out with care work now, after 14 years. I really don't know what else I can do, though.
