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Meeting

Martian Tom

Tomorrow, I'm meeting up with the autism behavioural support team at work to discuss my issues - especially in the context of my meltdown the other week, my current sick leave and my relationship with a particular work colleague.  All of these things are connected.  I trusted the colleague - but when she turned against me over a trivial matter the other week, I became wary around her.  I find people confusing enough, but when I get mixed messages like that it completely throws me.  It has affected my behaviour around her, making me very cautious about anything I do - and when it gets like that, I can so easily make mistakes.  I feel the situation that happened was very much influenced by that.  I was feeling stressed with her around, and was also trying to deal with another stressful situation.  With anyone else there, I would have asked for help. In fact, anyone else would have offered to help.  It was almost as if she was letting things carry on until I lost control of the situation - to give her the opportunity she wanted to then have a go at me.  I no longer wish to work around this colleague, and my manager has said that can be arranged.  But even bumping into her accidentally during the course of the day gives me 'the fear' (that's the best way I can describe it).

I'm really worried about what to say tomorrow, though.  Others on here have said I need to be honest and forthright, and I think that's the best policy.  But I'm wondering what the consequences of that might be.  I don't want to make a complaint because that would make things worse for me.  On the other hand, they might construe what I say as a kind of allegation which will need to be put to this person to answer.  I need to be assured of confidentiality because I want to return to work and wouldn't feel able to if things are in the open.   Other people might then turn against me. 

I think they'll probably say to me that I need to talk to her about how I feel and settle it that way.  That would seem to be the most sensible solution.  But knowing that I now can't trust her, and knowing how she can be, I can't see how that will work.  I don't think she'll be receptive to it.  She's very 'black and white', and certainly doesn't take kindly to any suggestion that she might be wrong over something.  I've had a couple of tastes of this in the past, when I was still friendly with her.  She refuses to accept a point of view if she disagrees with it.  She's not open to discussion.  Her word is final.  So I think if I talk to her, she'll probably turn even more against me.  It's very difficult, and I'm very nervous about the whole situation.  I need to be truthful, but I'm scared about where that might lead.

The best thing would be for me to get another job and start over - be clear of the place.  But that's easier said than done.  I've been looking at vacancies, and there isn't much around that's very suitable.  Care is what I know, but all of those vacancies that I've seen include shift work and nights, which I don't want.  On the other hand, maybe I'm just burnt out with care work now, after 14 years.   I really don't know what else I can do, though.

Parents

  • You express the problem that occurred at work, and the dilemma you now face, so clearly in words. Because my ability to communicate verbally is impaired when I'm stressed if I were going to this meeting I'd take something in writing and either read it out or get someone there to read it.

    Resolving matters simply by discussing things with the person you have lost confidence in is going to be problematic. Seems to me this would need to be a mediated discussion perhaps with your manager present. Then if your colleague displays hostility, lack of insight into the part she played, or inability to take responsibility for her actions this will be exposed.   

    Know what you mean about wanting to start over in another job. I've been doing this throughout my career. It can be exhausting having to reinvent yourself yet again. For me every job throws up similar challenges eventually. You can't recover from Burnout overnight so maybe you need more time to decide what you really do want to do next.

    It might be worth taking along some information about autistic burnout to share with them. They will be better able to help find solutions if they understand the issues. I would be honest and clear about what has happened and how it has made you feel. You can do this assertively without being aggressive or hostile. I would also emphasise how much you enjoy working with service users - it comes across that you really do. 

  • in reply to Sunflower

    Thanks, Sunflower.  The two people I'm meeting with really do know their stuff.  I was at a workshop chaired by one of them, and it was good to hear an NT talking about these issues with genuine understanding.  They know about meltdowns and burnouts, so at least I can start off from that basis.  I'll need to give them some brief backstory so that they get a better picture of how and why I react to certain events.  I was reading about autism and PTSD - I think you might have referred me to the article, actually - and how 'trauma' to an autistic person doesn't have to be what most people would regard as a traumatic event: witnessing an accident, say, or being in a war zone.  It can be something as seemingly small as having to deal with paperwork, hearing an off-hand comment, etc.  I think that's very important to understand.  That incident in the school room when I was 5, which I've written about elsewhere, had such a lasting impact that whenever I've been 'revisited' by a similar situation, it leads to an extreme stress reaction.  The bullying that followed from that episode ties in with it.  So any time since that I've been shouted at or gotten something wrong, it wrecks me.  These aren't matters that I can simply 'get over'.  I guess some form of psychological therapy could be in order.

  • in reply to Martian Tom

    Agree with you completely about the special kind of PTSD triggers. I'm going to have 3 follow-up sessions with a clinical psychologist post assessment. Regardless  of diagnositic label this is an issue I want to get help with. I need better defences and strategies to protect myself from bullying. 

Reply Children
  • in reply to Martian Tom

    That is absolutely fascinating Tom and   could well explain what so many of us experience.

    I looked at this article, but I'm reading such a lot at the moment it's all becoming blurred.

    I'm very grateful to you for highlighting this section. Needless to say I will be thinking of you tomorrow. 

  • in reply to Sunflower

    I feel the same.  I think that's a wise course of action.

    In case it wasn't you who referred me to that article, it's here if you're interested...

    At the intersection of autism and trauma

    I thought this section was particularly relevant:

    'Abuse, sexual assault, violence, natural disasters and wartime combat are all common causes of PTSD in the general population. Among autistic people, though, less extreme experiences — fire alarms, paperwork, the loss of a family pet, even a stranger’s offhand comment — can also be destabilizing. They can also be traumatized by others’ behavior toward them.

    “We know from the literature that individuals with autism are much more exposed to bullying, ostracizing, teasing, etc.,” Golan says. “And when you look in the clinic, you can see that they’re very sensitive to these kinds of events.” Among autistic students, Golan and Horesh have found, social incidents, such as ostracizing, predict PTSD more strongly than violent ones, such as war, terror or abuse, which are not uncommon in Israel. Among typical students, though, the researchers see the opposite tendency.'