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Help/suggestions for my adult son.

NAS49559

Hi I’m new on here and was led here via a link from Facebook. Any advice or suggestions for my situation would be greatly appreciated as I’m getting desperate and don’t know what to do for the best. 

My son has just turned 20 and has Asperger Syndrome and dyslexia along with severe anxiety issues relating to his ASD plus past trauma from domestic abuse and bullying. He never leaves the house, even finding going in the front yard difficult. He will speak to me and his stepdad and 4 close family members (on a good day) and occasionally he’ll speak via Xbox to two friends he knew from school but that’s the extent of his socialising. If anyone comes to the house he is mortified and won’t come out of his room and if I want to have anyone over it has to be planned and discussed in detail thoroughly. Any kind of spontaneity causes him to melt down. He is becoming increasingly isolated,lonely and depressed and so am I. He is also very paranoid and noise sensitive.  I’ve tried seeking help before but he just won’t engage with anyone and it becomes impossible, He won’t even see our GP. it’s almost like he doesn’t exist to the outside world. I’ve given up work to try and devote more time to him and for my own health reasons but we aren’t receiving any benefits other than his PIP which he’s been receiving since he was 14. I’m scraping by earning money from odd jobs where I can. 

If anyone has any advice in any way about any facet of our situation I’d be most grateful. 

  • in reply to NAS49559

    I do hope things get easier for you and your son soon. It's really tough getting over trauma and it can take some time to learn to trust the world again. 

  • in reply to Sunflower

    Thank you Sunflower, I believe you’re right when you say he will find strength in finding others who feel the same. 

    You’re spot on about rejecting suggestions made by me as his mother, I’m going to have to find a way to direct him here that doesn’t come from me! 

    We’ve both come out of a long term trauma situation which we are  still trying to recover from so I really appreciate your advice and concern for me as a carer, that info is very useful and thank you also for thinking of my health and well being, that means a lot as I can feel very isolated and alone as a parent. Best wishes to you too. 

  • I agree with  and if you can find a way of encouraging your son to join this community it might be really helpful. In this community our 'differences' unite us instead of making us feel like we don't fit. Your son may feel more hope for the future when he meets people who have struggled with, and found ways of surviving, past trauma.

    We are much stronger when we come together as autistic people but it is often difficult or impossible for us to do this face to face. At your son's age I would automatically have rejected any suggestion made by my mother. Perhaps there is someone else who could provide information about this online community if this applies in this case?

    Autistic adults are (contrary to the stereotype) deeply sensitive and empathic. Your son may be acutely aware of the pressure you are under. You might want to consider getting support for yourself as a carer. Indirectly this could help him. Many areas have good carer support organisations - your GP can refer you. Even if you are not eligible for benefits you can still register as a carer, get a discount card to offset your reduced income, perhaps even get vouchers for free sports, counselling or aromatherapy sessions. Do take care of your own health and wellbeing as much as you can. Very best wishes. 

  • in reply to Robert124

    @Robert123 thank you so much for your reply, I appreciate your taking the time to answer me. I will try to engage my son with this site although he may be resistant but I can plant the seed and hope. 

    Even just having someone else give their own insight and experience is helpful as it feels like we are living in a microcosm with only our own experience to relate to. 

  • Getting him to engage with this website would be a start.

    We have several regular Autistics with unpleasant experiences to share.  And give help & advice to each other.

    Staying in your own room when someone visits the house is quite common for Autistics.  There are many reasons for this.  In my early years it was.

    1. The visitors were there to see someone else.  Not me.  So why should I come out.
    2. It never occurred to me.
    3. Fear of physical violence because family didn't want outsiders to know I actually existed.

    Only much later when I was living in a shared house with well adjusted people.   I was told my behaviour was rude and pig ignorant.