Permission to be Autistic

This is a very powerful anthem for those stigmatised and suffering.

I'll stop now, thats how i feel about requiring permission.

Be strong Perdu, you have the inner strength to beat this useless system.

 All my thoughts are with you at this seemingly difficult time.

The songs you choose very much tell the inner story, I posted a couple yesterday when I needed to find balance, I deleted mine but they were part of my inner self telling its story.

Music and sing are part of the soul.

You are not alone ever, ()

I think that in the right circumstances acceptance is very much key, and in the wrong circumstances will destroy you. Currently we are in the wrong circumstances.

I am diagnosed, and i am also one of those diagnosed with Aspergers (DSM pah). 

I've always known i was different, you don't get abused in primary school (lates 70s/early 80s) the way i did and not know somethings not right. I always got THE top marks, i did very little at school, but i was extremely studious at home, voracious reader and avid knowledge seeker.

No matter how abusive they got, i would not go into their box. I was beaten. Tortured (locked in stationary cupboard with the light off REGULARLY, i am still scared of the dark, claustrophobic and there are NO doors except the bathroom hung in the house), excluded, ridiculed and generally destroyed.

I do not know who my 2nd and 3rd year teachers were as i spent most of my time in the corridors or in this weird play area, i did have 1 to 1 teaching for a while, after which i was put with the final year at 7/8. The 1 to 1 teacher left teaching because of the way i was treated, and if needs be i hope will provide a statement about that treatment.

I wasn't a bad kid, i was super smart and wanted to answer everything, i wanted to understand everything. They were teaching to the wrong level. I was bored.

So that bit of background is just to indicate that a lot of us have always known, it wasnt until 2001 that it had a name for me, not an official diagnosis but a deep conversation with a forensic psychologist acquaintance who suggested it was what was going on.

2001 i just cracked on with life doing my best to get on my feet (homeless) 03 got settled 05 the flat was broke in whilst i was asleep  i caught them and was stabbed and beaten, 30 stitches to my head and the stabs were glued (screwdriver).

The deep conversation with the forensic psychologist in 01 had a large element about official diagnosis and labels etc but it was made absolutely clear that if it got too much to seek diagnosis and help so in 05 i started the process, the PCT for my area went bankrupt, the homeless service forced me out of the area and it has taken till last year to get to see a psychiatrist and a diagnosis.

The diagnosis wasn't a relief just a confirmation, and i thought i might be able to finally access the correct help. You can't.

And there is the problem. It can be empowering, to finally understand who you are and in many cases know how to deal with it, you are then beaten down when you try to access services.

This is why. 54. Suicide.

I know who i am and i accept it, society doesnt and will not accept us.

I have not been officially diagnosed as an adult, neither am I seeking an official diagnosis, though once a counsellor told me when it first came up 'It would never have hurt you so much if there wasn't some truth to it.' And yes, he could see 'it'in me, he said. 

I had plenty of diagnoses as a child, but it was seen as craziness then. At least my mother found out I was far from mentally subnormal (ugh!) when I got an IQ evaluation with my first educational psychologist. 

It all got rehashed again, after questions were being asked about another family member in the 90's. The literature, however, really made me feel despair and self-loathing, as too much of it harped on about the empathy thing. I also felt my family was starting to call my whole lifestyle into question. Eventually a huge row and a rift of two/three years opened up. 

I really don't care now. I don't want to be defined by it, nor any other kind of difficulty, it is not globally "me,' though 'it' whatever it was did cast a long shadow over my life. 

I got a lot of flak for not making enough eye contact, but I wouldn't take such criticisms on board now. I really needed to understand what this was about most when younger, but it is past such considerations now. 

Yes, it was immediately a massive relief. It is also helping me accept myself already (only diagnosed last week at 43!) but it is also starting to throw up questions. I think this may be a bit of a learning curve. I think though the main thing it’s given me is hope. That now with this knowledge I can make things better for myself. Here’s hoping!

yes to leading to acceptance, yes to improved outlook. I now know why i am me and that it is ok to be me. Still a work in progress..but I am more confident in the direction I am heading