Hello,
This is my first post.
I need some help/advice please. Little background first. I'm a male adult, just 60 and I believe I have had undiagnosed high functioning autism all my life. I've had an assessment via a GP referral a while ago now (8mths) and the result was - yes there are traits but as I didn't have a family nearby to provide history they said if would be difficult to get a formal diagnosis. I could go on the waiting list for over a year to see an actual psychologist if I wanted! I said no as at the time they made me feel a bit of a fraud and didn't want to waste their time.
My daughter is just over 15 and she is the centre of my world - the only person that I *thought* I was close to and there was a mutal bond and understanding.
She has been ok with me telling her I get depressed, and I've been trying to tell her that I probably have HFA - but so far she hasn't said she looked at a couple of YouTube videos I sent her. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I had a bit of a meltdown over something stupid - she always forgets my birthday (which I don't mind as my access never seems to fall near that time) and the other weekend - even though the cards were in front of her on the table - didn't even say "happy birthday". I just got so frustrated as I couldn't communicate how I felt and I ended up embarrassing her over it. She doesn't say "I love you" back to me when I say it (but she does to her school friends on social media) and I've felt for a long time that she didn't like coming to see me - and I feel such an *** for even thinking that - I think I may have been unable to read the situation and understand her feelings. So during the meltdown I gave her the choice of not coming to see me - even though I said I wanted her too. I was incredibly upset and crying and feeling so out of control and irrational.
She is wonderfully empathetic and sensitive person, and I think her visits have been totally boring for her as I feel we have got into a rut. I always ask what she wants to do for the weekends, and most of the time it's stay in so she can play on the computer and chill after a busy school week.
I've a funny feeling she has been reacting to my mood and I've been reacting to her, reacting to me - a deadly embrace!
Anyway, even though she seemed fine the day after my meltdown, I got a text from her mum to say she didn't want to see come and see me any more. It was suggested I give her some space and see how it goes.
I've just spent what is only the third weekend in about 12 years where we have not been together on our access weekends. I feel so bad that I upset her and that I may have totally blown our relationship.
I'm sick of trying to act "normal" around my HFA - I am employed - they are a great bunch and I love my work (data for the NHS) but I have to role play to fit in and it's simply exhausting and stressful. I'm just a ball of anxiety right now - I'm going back to my GP this week to *try* and get help.
I'd love to hear any advice on what I should do. I know it's best that I give her more time, but the thought of her walking out of my life is going to a huge adjustment and I'm not sure how I will cope.
A part of me feels like I should write to my ex to explain all of this (she has an autistic older sister who is in a care home) and our daughter presented with traits when she was about 3 as a late talker and it upset my ex so much then. I'm not suggesting my daughter is on the spectrum - she seems so much more social than I am, but maybe there is something to that. I want to "come out" to my ex and daughter without causing even more anguish. Maybe the timing is not right, but on the other hand it seems to me the root cause.
Thank you for reading - I feel a bit better just sharing this with you all.
Take Care.
