Undiagnosed Husband, need help

Hi Lucia I am female and 58 years old. I have just (yesterday) been diagnosed with ASD. There have been significant tensions in my marriage due to miscommunication. The process of assessment and diagnosis has helped us as a couple in several ways.

Although not therapy sessions as such the assessment meetings included information that made me feel much better about things. It was much easier taking advice from the psychologist because it was emotionally neutral and done in a way designed not to make me defensive.

The combination of seeing the psychologist, reflecting on my life in order to send information to the assessment team and discussions on this forum helped me enormously. I could see that aspects of my behaviour other people find problematic are linked to being autistic but aspects of NTs behaviour are difficult for me to deal with too.

When I got feedback on my diagnosis yesterday my husband came in for the last two thirds of the meeting. It was a mini relationship counselling session with us learning about the reasons for our miscommunication from someone who could take a neutral stance. The interpretation of what each of us is trying to communicate, but somehow failing to, was really helpful. The psychologist explained to my husband that I often care deeply but struggle to show this because of my ASD.

We are going to have some sessions with Relate asap and we will read up about NT / ASD relationship issues in the meantime. The psychologist gave us diagrams on how to handle meltdowns and how to manage stress levels to reduce meltdowns, and Alis Rowe cartoons illustrating some of the issues she had identified when assessing me. We talked through all of this with lots of emphasis on us not blaming each other but understanding how are different communication systems cause misunderstanding and emotional upset.

In the New Year I am going to go to an education and support group for newly diagnosed autisitic women being organised by the psychologists. My husband was encouraged to access support from ASD partners' groups himself. It was quite an emotional meeting but it felt like we were making progress at last. We were strongly advised not to try and negotiate things relating to our marriage without a mediator to begin with. There is a risk of us getting heated and slipping back into blaming scripts.

Diagnosis isn't right for everyone but I am glad I went down this route. I could not face having to persuade my GP to refer me then waiting around for an indefinite period. Instead I referred myself to a specialist service and had an initial assessment within a short time. The cost is about £1250 and if it helps save my marriage, save my sanity and save my job I decided it was well worth paying.

Have you looked into joining any of the groups specifically for partners of autistic people? I know how helpful I have found it learning from other autistic people here. The psychologist's main advice to me was to reduce stress levels and over expenditure of energy so I can function much better. Combined with accommodations other people can make for me this should make life much easier all round.

I've run away from relationships and burnt bridges many times in my life. Some of my behaviour towards my husband is because I'm scared of being rejected. I'm like an engine without a thermostat or temperature gauge. I can boil over very quickly and I don't recognise that I'm getting upset until it's too late to avoid a meltdown.

If you feel there is something in your relationship worth saving then it is well worth fighting for, but you need energy in order to do that. In our case I can now see very clearly that in order to negotiate we need a mediator to help us overcome our communication problems.

With very best wishes.

Hi Lucia I am female and 58 years old. I have just (yesterday) been diagnosed with ASD. There have been significant tensions in my marriage due to miscommunication. The process of assessment and diagnosis has helped us as a couple in several ways.

Although not therapy sessions as such the assessment meetings included information that made me feel much better about things. It was much easier taking advice from the psychologist because it was emotionally neutral and done in a way designed not to make me defensive.

The combination of seeing the psychologist, reflecting on my life in order to send information to the assessment team and discussions on this forum helped me enormously. I could see that aspects of my behaviour other people find problematic are linked to being autistic but aspects of NTs behaviour are difficult for me to deal with too.

When I got feedback on my diagnosis yesterday my husband came in for the last two thirds of the meeting. It was a mini relationship counselling session with us learning about the reasons for our miscommunication from someone who could take a neutral stance. The interpretation of what each of us is trying to communicate, but somehow failing to, was really helpful. The psychologist explained to my husband that I often care deeply but struggle to show this because of my ASD.

We are going to have some sessions with Relate asap and we will read up about NT / ASD relationship issues in the meantime. The psychologist gave us diagrams on how to handle meltdowns and how to manage stress levels to reduce meltdowns, and Alis Rowe cartoons illustrating some of the issues she had identified when assessing me. We talked through all of this with lots of emphasis on us not blaming each other but understanding how are different communication systems cause misunderstanding and emotional upset.

In the New Year I am going to go to an education and support group for newly diagnosed autisitic women being organised by the psychologists. My husband was encouraged to access support from ASD partners' groups himself. It was quite an emotional meeting but it felt like we were making progress at last. We were strongly advised not to try and negotiate things relating to our marriage without a mediator to begin with. There is a risk of us getting heated and slipping back into blaming scripts.

Diagnosis isn't right for everyone but I am glad I went down this route. I could not face having to persuade my GP to refer me then waiting around for an indefinite period. Instead I referred myself to a specialist service and had an initial assessment within a short time. The cost is about £1250 and if it helps save my marriage, save my sanity and save my job I decided it was well worth paying.

Have you looked into joining any of the groups specifically for partners of autistic people? I know how helpful I have found it learning from other autistic people here. The psychologist's main advice to me was to reduce stress levels and over expenditure of energy so I can function much better. Combined with accommodations other people can make for me this should make life much easier all round.

I've run away from relationships and burnt bridges many times in my life. Some of my behaviour towards my husband is because I'm scared of being rejected. I'm like an engine without a thermostat or temperature gauge. I can boil over very quickly and I don't recognise that I'm getting upset until it's too late to avoid a meltdown.

If you feel there is something in your relationship worth saving then it is well worth fighting for, but you need energy in order to do that. In our case I can now see very clearly that in order to negotiate we need a mediator to help us overcome our communication problems.

With very best wishes.