Published on 12, July, 2020
I have been autistic nearly 50 years and was the typical severely autistic child. I was diagnosed with HIgh Functioning Autism (Kanners) when they were seen as seperate things years ago. I think very literally nad very black and white and have spent my life dissociating to cope with getting through life. Over my lifetime I have had persona's.
One such persona made friends with a girl at university years ago, her partner told me I was her best friend. My learned definition of a best friend is that they are someone you tell important things to first before you tell anyone else such as getting married, a family member/pet passing away who was important to you (who maybe the other person knew too) etc.
A few years back t found out this person who I had seen as my best friend for years had announced on social media (tagging in those had told first) that her and her partner were getting married, my name wasn't included in those tags. I was hurt at the time but had other things to deal with. I was having to make the most heartbreaking decision to have my beloved soulmate and assistance dog PTS, so I just didn't go on social media and focused on making the most of the last weeks with my special girl (inculding having one last birthday for her).
When they eventually visited to tell me I couldn't care less as I was suffering from severe depression as in my mind I'd lost my best friend and soulmate who had never left my side for 15 years. In my mind (ie my dog) 'the (human) friend' had already made her declaration to everyone she knew that I was not even on her 'best friends' list by not tagging me (or even texting me in private first to let me know). Turns out they only wanted me to have her dogs so they didn't have to pay kennel fees while they got married. I have an existing dog still and he (fortunately for me as i saw it) was acting off and growling at them suddenly (he'd know them from a pup) and my mobility wasn't good she seemed to see it was going to be a struggle and I would be unable to seperate them if the dogs started fighting so changed their minds about leaving their dogs here.
I wasn't expecting to go to the actual wedding (they were going abroad for it) it's the fact that her announcing it to everyone EXCEPT me in my mind gave me the very clear message she no longer considered me even one of her best friends. I can disconnect form people easily and once I do that's it I don't know how to forgive and 2 years later I want to end the friendship, as she still visits to bring birthday and xmas presents so I have to continue to buy them too (though they never tell me if cards/money arrives or thank me for them - kids are grown up and haven't visited me for years).
Do i keep the relationship so at least have ONE friend to be seen as a 'normal person' (none of my neighbours know I have autism only family and this person) so local people leave me alone and I don't become a 'target' for being considered weird. or end it because I've already mentally disconnected and dissociated. I've even created a new persona' so the persona she was friends with doesn't exist anymore anyway and she isn't a friend of the 'new persona'. I have no interest in making new friends only be to let down further on in the future and have lost all interest in maintaining relationships due to this cos whats the point?' if you don't know someone after 20 + yrs when do you know them? (my brothers partner also cheated on him after over 20 years together and tore apart our family 3 xmas's ago too).
I see nothing wrong with letting her think I'm dead or died from not answering ever again and using possible future scenario's to make her think that (killed during a looting if Brexit went really bad) but NT's find this shocking and say I can't do that but seem unable to suggest an acceptable alternative.
so how would other autistics handle this if they no longer wanted to be friends with someone as the other person had made it clear first that they no longer considered them their best friend (and was just seeing them as a charity case cos they had no other friends)?
I guess it would be common in autism not have a alot of friends or best friends. Having that one was a big achievement for me.
I think my parents started the gift thing when I'd started taking an interest in opening them to encourage social interaction between other kids and siblings etc. now it's more the 'routine' of xmas day and that's always happened xmas day so therefore if it doesn't it will change my routine and be extremely stressful.
I was always taught it's polite to say 'thank you' when someone gives you a gift and let them know that you liked it or what you will spend it on (if its a voucher or money) I thought this was something considered 'normal' that all parents taught their kids to do. Even not expecting a gift in return a 'Thank you for my card etc it arrived the other day' would be considered polite. These days it takes..what less than a minute to send a message via social media, iMessage or text messge. (I used to have to write thank you notes for relatives that had sent presents who I wouldn't be seeing straight away to thank'
I've always had persona's/alters from childhood due to severe exposure anxiety and dissociation from the autism.so son't know any other way to cope with the constant 'sensory overload'. I've never been able to do something (eat, speak, walk etc) with people watching unless an alter was up front. Something like what Donna Williams described though I never had as many different characters as she had.
I can only 'be myself' when I'm in my house alone.
Kit McDaydream said: I have no interest in making new friends only be to let down further on in the future and have lost all interest in maintaining relationships due to this cos whats the point?'
That is a very negative way to look upon relationships and it's terrible if that is how you feel from past experiences but you shouldn't let those put you off forming new ones
Just ignore them until they go away. Never fails...
Unless there is a big 'bust up', friendships that end usually just 'fade away' for any number of reasons - new interests, new job, moving away, for example.
And it looks like this friendship has faded. I would find it very difficult, even as someone autistic, to come straight out and say that I was not someone's friend anymore. I would just tend to let communication gradually get less, become unavailable, not answer phone calls, or letters, emails or texts for longer and longer periods. Eventually it will just get to the point of just being a more and more distant relationship, and it may reach a natural point of communication you are happy with.
I have never been very close with any friend of the same sex as me, and 'best friends' is a bit of an alien concept, I prefer it like that but it does not make me uncivil to people I know. Even my siblings I only communicate with on the odd occasion, although I know they are there and would help out in various ways if I needed someone to talk to. But I do know that you cannot either force someone to be your friend or decide what their level of friendship to you should be.
As regards Christmas or Birthday presents, my view on them always has been that they should not be given to someone just because they are giving one to you. They should be given without expecting something in return. They are given because you or they want to give a present and for the joy that giving a present provides, not in expectation of getting another gift. My opinion of Christmas especially is that it is over commercialised and that the Christmas of nowadays is mostly you giving a present to someone who doesn't want whatever it is in exchange for something that you don't want. I would rather just have a card from someone than feel obliged to buy a present, and the older I get the more I want to escape from the falseness of Christmas.
It seems to me that your friend has 'moved on' a bit and has someone else to confide in (her nuptial partner), and as such you are no longer her first choice of a confidant. Just try to be happy for her and don't take that too personally. Or you will find yourself consumed with unhelpful thoughts.
And trying to be someone you are not by creating a different persona is, in my opinion, not the way forward. Trying to be something you are not is what creates a lot of stress and depression. Be yourself and let others like you or otherwise for what you are, not for what you think you would like to be.
Sorry you're having such a bad time.
The question that pops into my head is have you expressed yourself? If you have, how?