Help!

My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years now.  He was diagnosed with a personality disorder as a child and his Doctor is sure he has Aspergers (as am I) but he has not had an official assessment.   I have been told by a therapist that I am on the spectrum as well so in some ways, we are very good for each other.  We both need order, routine, a peaceful home environment and periods of solitude so we understand that in each other perfectly. 

What I am increasingly struggling to cope with are his mood swings and his often violent anger.  He has never hit me but if it is a very bad incident he will spit at me or shove me and he says very abusive, terrible things when he loses it. He was a drug addict when we met and for the first 2.5 years, I put up with it while we both worked towards him getting clean.  He refused rehab or any kind of counselling so it was on me.  I am happy to report that he has been clean for 18 months now and I am pretty sure that, unless we break up, he won't relapse.  

The frequency of the anger is much less now than when he was using but it is just as intense and frightening when it does happen.  It affects me very badly and I am completely worn out and broken down by it, sometimes for days afterwards.  He always insists that it is partly my fault when this happens and while he promises to do something about it in the aftermath of an incident, he never does.  

I am starting to feel increasingly exhausted and isolated because of this.  While he is a very affectionate, loving partner when he is in a good mood, he finds sex difficult because of sensory issues and can't bear to lie to close to me in bed so I am also struggling to cope with this aspect of the relationship as well. Especially since I badly need that kind of physical closeness to help me get over a particularly angry episode. I love him very much and we have come so far together against all odds, I really don't want to lose him but I know that I can't continue like this indefinitely.

Can someone please help?  I am just looking for advice and direction - good books to read or counselling services that are really effective.  Anything at all that may help.  We live in Cambridgeshire but travel to London for work 3 or 4 times a month.