Hi. I am new to the forum. I am 33 years old and think that I might have Aspergers. I have been researching for almost two years through books, youtube, online reports, blogs, vlogs, forums, radio, TV. I feel it fits. It describes who I am. I am not here to go into why I think I have it but to see if there are any women who have had similar experiences to me but have been diagnosed with ASD.
I have always felt different or out of step as a child, growing up, as an adult. I have looked into various things over the years - bipolar, schizophrenia, introversion, only-child(ness), defective parenting on my mum & dad's part, autism, aspergers. I rejected all of these. A friend said in passing (not directing anything at me) that "aspergers in women is presented differently than in men. Women mask their symptoms". When I had read about autism and aspergers on the internet, this was all male-orientated and I couldn't relate to it. So I started to read about aspergers in women.
I approached my partner about it after a few months of reading. He said there's a possibility but is of the mind-set that "well you are who you are so it doesn't matter". It matters to me. I feel I have been searching all my life to find out who I am. This is like a piece of a puzzle which I never even knew existed. Now I've found it, it's like a whole different picture.
I have approached a few good friends about it (after a few drinks; it was the only time I felt brave enough to) who have dismissed it straightaway. I was quite offended by this. When I have spoken to my partner and these friends about why I think I have it, I have been met with "oh well I do that too". I have given up talking to friends about it. I said to my partner "Why would I go researching about it for myself if I didn't think there was anything wrong with me? You only start looking into something if you think it applies to you otherwise what's the point?" (By the way I don't think there's anything "wrong" with me now but all through my life I have felt that...). From reading the material that I have, I wonder if any neurotypicals have read it and can identify with it too? I would be interested to know.
The thing is, if friends don't believe my and my partner to all intents, is 50/50, then a doctor isn't going to believe me. I have read many stories of women who have been laughed out of their GP surgery. I find that on reflection, I sometimes only talk about things if they are explicitly asked of me so unless I am asked something outright, I might not even think to talk about it. If that makes sense. I feel that there are no special circumstances to me. I read that a lot of people with ASD struggle with jobs/college/friends/mental health. I have a full-time job teaching English to foreign people (a job, I would argue, fits very well. I am in charge of and control my own workload, I can put on a "show" for my students, if there are any communication difficulties this could be put down to the language barrier, I can get along with the people for the length of the classes so get enough "people time" without having to invest any further as you would in for example with colleagues in an office). I have a degree from uni and some friends (who are gay men or not "typical" females). I value my friends (mostly) very dearly, but friendship is still difficult. I won't go into that here. I don't have any special skills that I can identify myself and have always been able to hold down a job (I would argue at a cost to my mental health which I have only been to the doctors about twice. Again I think this is because sometimes I cannot identify when I have problems or don't bother asking for help, thinking that I can sort it out myself).
When things are going bad, I am convinced I have ASD. I keep coming back to it. More and more. That must tell me something surely. This is something Sarah Hendrickx mentions in one of her youtube videos. The mask falls off and ASD is uncovered during times of stress. At the moment I feel that my mental health is well, things are going OK in life and am thinking "well perhaps I don't have it". I know from experience that this won't last long. I just feel it's given me a window into my life which explains a heck of a lot.
I feel like I am being ridiculous. While I can't relate to the NT world, I feel that people with ASD would not be able to relate to my experiences either so I am in no-man's land. My plan of action is to first, put this out on a forum and second, speak to my parents about what I was like growing up. I am scared to do this. I feel my mum would say "don't be so daft".
Is thete anyone with similar experiences to me who have been diagnosed with ASD? i.e. thinking you have it then you don't then got diagnosed? Are there any women (or men!) diagnosed who seem to live a regularly "NT" lifestyle (ie job, qualifications, friends), and how has this impacted on your mental health? (Before or after diagnosis).
I appreciate all comments however big or small but please believe me when I say that this is a big step for me in posting this.
Thanks for your time
