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Women (and men) diagnosed with ASD in later life - advice please!

Deleted User

Hi. I am new to the forum. I am 33 years old and think that I might have Aspergers. I have been researching for almost two years through books, youtube, online reports, blogs, vlogs, forums, radio, TV. I feel it fits. It describes who I am. I am not here to go into why I think I have it but to see if there are any women who have had similar experiences to me but have been diagnosed with ASD.

I have always felt different or out of step as a child, growing up, as an adult. I have looked into various things over the years - bipolar, schizophrenia, introversion, only-child(ness), defective parenting on my mum & dad's part, autism, aspergers. I rejected all of these. A friend said in passing (not directing anything at me) that "aspergers in women is presented differently than in men. Women mask their symptoms". When I had read about autism and aspergers on the internet,  this was all male-orientated and I couldn't relate to it. So I started to read about aspergers in women.

I approached my partner about it after a few months of reading. He said there's a possibility but is of the mind-set that "well you are who you are so it doesn't matter". It matters to me. I feel I have been searching all my life to find out who I am. This is like a piece of a puzzle which I never even knew existed. Now I've found it, it's like a whole different picture.

I have approached a few good friends about it (after a few drinks; it was the only time I felt brave enough to) who have dismissed it straightaway. I was quite offended by this. When I have spoken to my partner and these friends about why I think I have it, I have been met with "oh well I do that too".  I have given up talking to friends about it. I said to my partner "Why would I go researching about it for myself if I didn't think there was anything wrong with me? You only start looking into something if you think it applies to you otherwise what's the point?" (By the way I don't think there's anything "wrong" with me now but all through my life I have felt that...). From reading the material that I have,  I wonder if any neurotypicals have read it and can identify with it too? I would be interested to know.

The thing is, if friends don't believe my and my partner to all intents, is 50/50, then a doctor isn't going to believe me. I have read many stories of women who have been laughed out of their GP surgery. I find that on reflection, I sometimes only talk about things if they are explicitly asked of me so unless I am asked something outright, I might not even think to talk about it.  If that makes sense.  I feel that there are no special circumstances to me. I read that a lot of people with ASD struggle with jobs/college/friends/mental health.   I have a full-time job teaching English to foreign people (a job, I would argue, fits very well. I am in charge of  and control my own workload, I can put on a "show" for my students, if there are any communication difficulties this could be put down to the language barrier, I can get along with the people for the length of the classes so get enough "people time" without having to invest any further as you would in for example with colleagues in an office). I have a degree from uni and some friends (who are gay men or not "typical" females). I value my friends (mostly) very dearly, but friendship is still difficult. I won't go into that here. I don't have any special skills that I can identify myself and have always been able to hold down a job (I would argue at a cost to my mental health which I have only been to the doctors about twice. Again I think this is because sometimes I cannot identify when I have problems or don't bother asking for help, thinking that I can sort it out myself).

When things are going bad, I am convinced I have ASD. I keep coming back to it. More and more. That must tell me something surely. This is something Sarah Hendrickx mentions in one of her youtube videos.  The mask falls off and ASD is uncovered during times of stress.  At the moment I feel that my mental health is well, things are going OK in life and am thinking "well perhaps I don't have it". I know from experience that this won't last long. I just feel it's given me a window into my life which explains a heck of a lot.

I feel like I am being ridiculous. While I can't relate to the NT world, I feel that people with ASD would not be able to relate to my experiences either so I am in no-man's land. My plan of action is to first, put this out on a forum and second, speak to my parents about what I was like growing up. I am scared to do this. I feel my mum would say "don't be so daft". 

Is thete anyone with similar experiences to me who have been diagnosed with ASD? i.e. thinking you have it then you don't then got diagnosed? Are there any women (or men!) diagnosed who  seem to live a regularly "NT" lifestyle (ie job, qualifications, friends), and how has this impacted on your mental health? (Before or after diagnosis).

I appreciate all comments however  big or small but please believe me when I say that this is a big step for me in posting this.

Thanks for your time

Parents

  • Hello out-of-step,

    Bravo on having the courage to post. You're in good company, and whilst some comments may seem 'to the point' in this community they are by and large well intended.

    I'm 46 and self-diagnosed as having Asperger Syndrome last year.  I've just come out from another meltdown and now, finally, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have ASD, I've always had ASD and it's not going to go away.  It feels like a positive step towards making some more life adjustments that will make it easier for me to continue to work successfully as a self-employed corporate trainer (interesting that so many who have replied are in the teaching professions!). 

    I haven't had a formal diagnosis yet as I wouldn't be eligible for any support anyway and there is disappointingly little available for high functioning people as far as I've seen so far (this community being an invaluable exception to that rule!).  I'm not sure that there would be any advantages in making it "official". My friends and family know and have either ignored the inconvenient information or made some adjustments to help me feel heard and understood and accepted for who I am - the usual mixed bag.

    As for mental health pre-ASD-self-diagnosis, I've had time off work with stress & anxiety previously following a bereavement and have had a merry dance with depression on and off for years before finally combatting it once and for all in 2007 - learning to release anger in a positive way made all the difference (I used to turn it inward but instead took up yelling at the wind during a storm - works a treat and no one gets offended ;-)   I learned a good number of tools for managing my anxiety during that time and find that it's less and less of an issue these days (post-ASD-self-diagnosis), or at least I spot it earlier and take corrective action.  That said I still have sensory overload issues periodically and I'm still figuring out how to navigate that one.

    ASD shows up differently for everyone, taking time to know what works, and doesn't work, for you will be time well spent.

    Hope that helps, if only to know you're not alone

    Welcome to the community and stay in touch

    Daisy.

Reply

  • Hello out-of-step,

    Bravo on having the courage to post. You're in good company, and whilst some comments may seem 'to the point' in this community they are by and large well intended.

    I'm 46 and self-diagnosed as having Asperger Syndrome last year.  I've just come out from another meltdown and now, finally, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have ASD, I've always had ASD and it's not going to go away.  It feels like a positive step towards making some more life adjustments that will make it easier for me to continue to work successfully as a self-employed corporate trainer (interesting that so many who have replied are in the teaching professions!). 

    I haven't had a formal diagnosis yet as I wouldn't be eligible for any support anyway and there is disappointingly little available for high functioning people as far as I've seen so far (this community being an invaluable exception to that rule!).  I'm not sure that there would be any advantages in making it "official". My friends and family know and have either ignored the inconvenient information or made some adjustments to help me feel heard and understood and accepted for who I am - the usual mixed bag.

    As for mental health pre-ASD-self-diagnosis, I've had time off work with stress & anxiety previously following a bereavement and have had a merry dance with depression on and off for years before finally combatting it once and for all in 2007 - learning to release anger in a positive way made all the difference (I used to turn it inward but instead took up yelling at the wind during a storm - works a treat and no one gets offended ;-)   I learned a good number of tools for managing my anxiety during that time and find that it's less and less of an issue these days (post-ASD-self-diagnosis), or at least I spot it earlier and take corrective action.  That said I still have sensory overload issues periodically and I'm still figuring out how to navigate that one.

    ASD shows up differently for everyone, taking time to know what works, and doesn't work, for you will be time well spent.

    Hope that helps, if only to know you're not alone

    Welcome to the community and stay in touch

    Daisy.

Children
  • in reply to DaisyDuck

    Hi Daisy thanks for your post. Do you think you will go forward with seeking a diagnosis? I looked in the mirror today and thought  if I do get diagnosed with ASC "I don't know if I want to label myself for the rest of my life".  Not that there is anything wrong with the label of ASC at all. But in a personal sense in defining myself that way, I don't know if I want that. I've also been thinking that I have got where I have in life so far and am not sure if I were to be labelled by myself that way I might then start limiting myself in life. (I didn't go for a recent promotion at work which I was more than capable of. One of the many reasons being that the higher up you go, the more meetings you have to attend, the more social skills you need in order to deal with colleagues asking for advice or complaining, and are expected to go to the social events. Being in the role that I currently am I'm more on the "periphery" and so can pick and choose which events to attend. I feel that in self-identifying, it's empowered me to say to myself that I don't have to do something I don't want to (ie apply for the promotion) if the social side makes me nervous. On the other hand, if this promotion had happened a few years ago I might have gone for it (ie not let self-diagnosis hold me back) but I know  my mental health would have suffered even if I hadn't realised it as the social expectations would have increased. Not sure if all that makes any sense to anyone!

    The only reason I would be seeking a diagnosis is so other people would believe me. I was thinking last night that perhaps in doing the research that I have, I have so far been able to identify and put things in place a bit more to help me manage life (eg anxiety, conflicts, triggers etc) so could continue with this "self help" instead. Although it's still a case of thinking about it after the event has happened to try and understand why I behaved or felt like I did. But yes this will take time.

    Well done for combatting your depression and finding ways through it. I think I'm with you on spotting things earlier and taking corrective action and also still navigating the sensory aspect. I have recently taken up boxercise. Apart from the co-ordination of remembering my left and right as well as the combination of moves which is challenging, it's a great way to help with mental health issues as the exercise just re-sets my brain.