Published on 12, July, 2020
So it looks like the break up that brought about my revelation of potential aspergers has now finally come into fruition. The entire relationship being abusive has driven her away. I then become aware of it and work on it to get help, the most confusing part was the fact that I hadn't realised what I was doing. So we start taking it day by day and for the last 2 months I've felt it be pretty good, no signs of abuse and it was like a cloud had been lifted. Then the aspergers theory came about from my therapist about a month ago and that is when things changed. It appeared that it was her who struggled with it more than me, when it was just my anger that was the issue and I was working through that she could accept that but now it's potentially the aspergers and in her eyes (someone that always thinks down the line to the future) she has fears, especially when it comes to children.
Fast forward a month and things had definitely changed, we'd not reverted but there was less communication again so I brought it up last night and forced the issue in typical me fashion, I couldn't just wait, we were starting relationship counselling next week.
Anyway's turns out she thinks she has basically detached herself from me during the abusive first two years of the relaitonship so whilst she still cares for me etc she just thinks there is no romance there, we're more like flatmates in her eyes. She also keeps alluding to the fact that she is struggling with the potential diagnosis of aspergers, will I not pick up my kids emotions or will she not be able to adapt herself etc etc. It's absolutely ridiculous is that side of things and I think surely this is what she is telling herself to make it easier that she just doesn't love me... One of the things that she has hung on to is the fact that I didn't want to let her niece on my shoulders about 3 weeks ago because I felt uncomfortable with it. I've pleaded with her to remember the fact that I am actually great with her other niece who has been on my shoulders etc etc (the one we don't only see once a year), or the fact that I'm great with my mates kids who have been in my life 10 years etc.
I feel sick that I treat her so poorly in the first two years and feel frustrated because of the fact that I wasn't aware of what I was doing. It wasn't me, it's not my personality, I used to tell her about my character all the time and she would just be confused thinking 'this isn't the guy I know' whereas I didn't realise I wasn't showing my true self.
I know I actually make her happy, we're good together, we get on, we're happy a lot of the time. Just something that's stopping her from letting herself.
I can't seem to maintain anything in my life, whether it be a relationship or a job. Thought I was finally starting to do well in life since meeting her, had a consistent job, had a steady girlfriend, bought an house it was like I was finally not being the typical me but in reality I was being the typical me.
If it weren't for the feelings of pre emptive guilt on my family and even her I wouldn't hesitate to end my life. Its not that I want to die per se but life is just too hard and I'm fed up.
Hi 1986
Well that is a big and brave post and well done you for posting it and alot to unpick from it.
Firstly, the term "abusive" is a BIG term to use and covers a wide gambit from verbal, physical etc etc abuse. How much of this do you think is different by your own personality and how much ASD? Or down to not have the coping strategies you need to cope with things. Bottling things up before you hit the MELTDOWN button and then it all goes to ****! and before you know it ... :(
How much does your partner know about aspergers and what it means? People nowadays seem more aware of the condition but still rather foggy on its implications. Reading a medical definition is one thing but in terms of putting it into context in terms of its impact on a daily basis, your individual presentation of it - in terms of elements where you are confident and thrive and areas that you struggle and the strategies you need with to deal with BOTH is another.
Once again I can do Tony Attwood out of potential earnings and share with you a link to his book, The Complete Guide to Asperges which is a useful read about the condition and the Haynes Manual of the wiring difficulties.
http://www.autismforthvalley.co.uk/files/5314/4595/7798/Attwood-Tony-The-Complete-Guide-to-Aspergers-Syndrome.pdf
Cynthia Kim is good in terms of trying to give a workable understanding of how relationship dynamics can be understood on a practical day to day basis
https://musingsofanaspie.com/aspergers-and-marriage/ (relationships)
https://musingsofanaspie.com/aspergers-and-motherhood/ (parenthood/childcare)
Autism can be difficult to live with when you have it and also difficult for others outside of the bubble of your mind to comprehend.
I am an self-diagnosed aspie (just been referred) and a woman in a controlling and sometimes abusive relationship. I know that I can be challenging to live with and that I often fall short of other people's expectations of me.
I am great, for example, or organising paperwork, sorting the bills etc, the practical, provider side of things... they are logical and straightforward. When I get into trouble is when I can't easily adjust to a change in routine, social events etc as I don't FIT into other peoples expectations (like your example of letting your niece ride on your shoulders). The latter is often taken as me being arrogant or "not trying"
Communication is key but can be a challenge when the aspie in me can't always articulate clearly my needs or when I am struggling so require someone almost to gauge perceptively the situation on my behalf or have a degree of awareness and the other person needs to be able to understand what I am saying and its implications.
I hope the wittering above helps a little and gives something going forward. I hope from your time on the forum you have an understanding that relationships are quite a common topic and that difficulty in relationships and friendships is quite common. I hope that others can give some pointers and support also.
best wishes
Ellie