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Looking for Advice

Wilsonbed
over 5 years ago

Hey everyone I know there are probably 500000 posts a day like this one but ill annoy you all with 1 more anyway :) 

I am 23 and all my life I have been different, a social outcast of sorts in primary school and then into secondary school. I learnt that if I acted a fool I "impressed" my peers and made friends through being the class clown. Although outwardly I seemed eccentric on the inside I was always a very anxious person. Struggled to fit in, couldn't make conversation and my only hobby was playing xbox 12 hours a day.  This ended with me being kicked out of school permanently.

Fast forward to 16 I joined the Army, I was physically fit enough but once again felt outcasted from the other lads. I just didn't fit in and quit within 2 weeks due to not emotionally coping with this new life. I then became pretty depressed and even more socially anxious. All through my life even now I have this overwhelming feeling I am different, I don't fit in. I only enjoy very few things right now that is PC gaming and motorbiking. I am on benefits but cower at the prospect of being removed from them and having to go back out to get a job. It's not that I don't like working or am lazy I just never fit in with anyone. I have never made a friend I have been able to keep for long. I can't make eye contact with anyone my body rejects it and makes me look away. I have always complained of memory issues and struggle to learn new information but can somehow remember numbers amazingly. I know atleast 15 phone numbers off by heart, I can remember my NI number, all my debit card details etc etc. 

The main overwhelming thing for me though is the complete lack of social skills. I only realised when working at mcdonalds how bad I was at it. I realised that when trying to make conversation with people I always talked about my life experiences like joining the army. Never once did it click that I probably seemed self absorbed but in reality it was because I didn't know what else to talk about. To this day I still have no idea how to make normal conversation with people. I always end up talking about something happening in my life, or my motorbike. When I feel anxious which is a lot I twiddle my thumbs and look at the floor without realising it. I did an autism test and scored 47 / 50 and I answered it as truthfully as possible. When I made some online "Friends" do the same test they all scored less than 10. I am under a mental health team with a diagnosis of antisocial and borderline personality disorder which never seemed to fit me nor does it help me. But when I read autism symptoms in adults it just clicks. On some of the tests some of the questions are weird ones but I think wow yeah I do that. For example textures feeling offensive of my skin. I have always cringed when touching many things like anything made of wood or polystyrene.

I brought this up with my mental health worker but they seem to shrug it off, but I can't shake it off and no offence to anyone here but of course I don't want to be autistic but if that is the case then I would at least like to know why I am different and know there is a reason for it. 

Sorry for the wall of text and I probably missed out a lot of information but I just want to know from actual autistic people if you relate to anything I have said? Many thanks Danny Slight smile

  • over 5 years ago in reply to Wilsonbed

    Ugh, I can't abide washing up water either! *shudder* 
    Hope you get to see a specialist ASAP and all goes well Slight smile

  • over 5 years ago in reply to Emma

    Thanks very much for your reply :) You point out another thing that just strengthens my case. I also can not stand touching anything food related. When I was young I flat out refused to touch dirty plates it was the one chore I would rather get punished than do :P Even now, living alone I only wash my own plates and have to wear latex gloves haha.

    I think I am going to demand to see a specialist from my mental health workers. They say I am "unresponsive" to treatment for my current diagnosis. Medication has never worked nor has therapy which just makes me think clearly we are treating the wrong thing. So thanks very much for your reply it made me feel very welcome Slight smile

  • over 5 years ago

    Sounds like a pretty typical story for an autistic adult to me. Slight smile A lot of it rings bells! 

    Being diagnosed earlier and being female make my experiences a bit different but I was also the class clown in my early years and grew to be more outwardly-eccentric/inwardly-anxious as time went on. I'm the same as you in conversation, and I can't even imagine it sounding self-absorbed unless it's pointed out. To me it's logical; of course I only have my own experiences to draw on. I cannot stand small talk, either, especially when I'm trying to focus on a task (e.g. working). 

    Eye contact is a massive no for me (with the exception of my partner), I simply cannot understand why human beings require it as a socialising basic when most creatures know full well it's an inherently aggressive gesture (ever tried staring at a cat? Don't, you'll upset it)! 

    With textures I tend to notice the really nice rather than the really offputting (microfibre anything is lush. Also snakeskin- on the snake), unless we're talking about food. Food textures and I don't always get on! I am really put on edge by sounds (sirens, babies, anything loud and high pitched just makes me freeze) and even moderately bright light is physically painful, so I always wear glasses that darken in sunlight. 

    We're very often misdiagnosed by mental health professionals if we get through childhood without being spotted, plus many mental health conditions are often co-morbid with autism which makes it harder. I suggest asking your GP to see if you can be assessed for a diagnosis, if you want to know for sure. From what you've said, though, I for one am definitely leaning towards "yes, you are".

    Re. "of course I don't want to be autistic", we'll change your mind! Finding your tribe is just, well, amazing and hard to describe. The perfect antidote to that "not fitting in" feeling.
    Also autism comes with a lot of strengths that never seem to get advertised in the same way the challenges do, somehow.

    Welcome to the forum, Danny! Smiley
    Hope you find some answers here.

  • over 5 years ago

    Hello, Danny, and welcome to the forums. Yes, I've been the eccentric and the clown. There have been various threads here recently mentioning autistic people being misdiagnosed with BPD/EUPD.

    If you want to change your forum name from NAS4xxxx, instructions are here:
    https://community.autism.org.uk/p/forum-name