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Reactive Attachment Disorder RAD misdiagnosis or ASD and RAD diagnosed together.

Jan84

My therapist suspected me having RAD, as I'm not showing emotions and I'm not comfortable with hugs, praise etc. Obviously not only that it was also based on my childhood/family history but now considering that I've got Aspergers although the facts would stay the same, how I feel about them would be a complete different story.

How I feel about it ?

It is actually quite interesting question as for me it is intellectual process more like determining how child my age would feel about it. So my interpretation of the event is dependant how much knowledge I've got on the subject. 

Cutting the story short I never experienced abuse, violence etc. at home, there was no alcohol, arguments, swearing etc. My family could be dysfunctional in some areas but this can be due undiagnosed Autism running through family members.

Difference and similarities between those two are quite important for me as I probably live with somebody who has RAD (history of abuse and violence in the childhood)

My wife's father who lives with us at the moment (and it will for a while as he recovers successfully from cancer surgery) was very difficult father for my wife, shouting and correcting her in so many ways, not letting her to do something telling her off that she would messed that up. My wife is getting over it through counselling and personal development she starts to be more immune to him, but living together takes it's toll. 

Having me as her husband doesn't help.

I think quite often her reactions to my routines and need of doing things certain way reminds her of her father... and this is when it hurts me the most.

Me and my in law are completely different and this is not only my opinion it's my wife's opinion also.

One example: my wife prepares coffee every morning for me and herself which is very nice and helpful for me as mornings are quite difficult and fresh coffee helps me to get through it.

Unfortunately she does it all wrong: Coffee should be last so when our breakfast is ready coffee is still fresh and warm, she prepares the coffee first and then she starts to do to all sorts of things so when we finally get to sit at the table coffee is cold (heating it up in microwave means is not as tasty and I don't like using things like electricity and kitchen appliances unless necessary also don't like the noise etc) also following couple of simple steps means less mess (specially drips of coffee in our sink we drink espresso so if you make mess bleach will be involved).

I tried to explain all of that to my wife but she overreacted to say the least, there is more situations like this, some of them are more serious than this but this one happens every morning.

I gave up and started to think of a plan how to adjust my routines to fit my wife's way.

So my point is I don't want to win argument that I'm doing things better or she's messy (the way how my father in law does it is quite obvious he will make sure that she sees how messy she is and how now he needs to clean after her ... after me and after everybody else ... my six years daughter included)

Following few simple rules would make the whole process much more efficient and there will be less for him to pick up on (I always try to clean when my wife can't see and if I miss something he will find it and blame her even if it's my fault)

So when my wife overreacts to my comments or improvements I know it hurts her because of him ... so it is difficult for me because I can see so many things which are wrong. I don't want to see them. I know I have to accept most of them and It is me who see too much ... but changing some things would help me to stay calm and this is why I used example of morning coffee it is very important morning routine which can determine how the day goes.

Thank you for reading.

Any thoughts ??

Parents
  • Jan84 said:
    Any thoughts ??

    This is quite complex. I've just skimmed a little on Reactive Attachment Disorder, and it was originally associated with failure to thrive, which I know can be found in other primates (having a soft toy in infancy apparently mitigates development of symptoms, but not a hard or metallic toy, and there are other reasons to think it's associated with not being held or hugged; BTW I'd agree this is a cruel animal experiment). It seems RAD is mostly diagnosed in children and adult diagnosis is problematic.

    I experience similar 'not showing emotions and I'm not comfortable with hugs, praise etc'. I've often thought of it as shyness or embarrassment when it comes to relationships and although I eventually overcame it to an extent, it affected me quite badly (Although I want affection, my sense when someone shows it to me has always been: you don't want to connect with me, or I can't connect in the same way, or there's nothing inside to connect with). Have you checked your 'attachment style' (one place you can is here)? Mine is 'preoccupied'.  The symptoms you describe as related to RAD could be an autistic feature - yet another online quiz shows a neurodivergent 'relationship' profile associated with 'intimacy problems'.

    So is it possible you could subsume this 'RAD' under autism? It's the nature and nurture debate all over again. Among aspies I've met, there are a higher number of people who as children were adopted or abused or neglected or lost parents than I might expect - it's not scientific and maybe this perception is partly because autistic people in trying to understand themselves talk about a traumatic childhood more, but I question the distinction between 'lifelong' and 'acquired'.

    The coffee example you say you 'know it hurts her because of [her father]'. I have to say that I'm dubious. If you lead off with some criticism of something someone is doing out of generosity and caring, that can hurt someone regardless of their personal history. To be blunt, it seems to me your need to have something done in what you see as the sensible way is more related to a stereotypical Asperger autistic profile, and being more tentative could help your relationship. On the other hand, people have a limited capacity for being criticised, and it may be that having it come from two directions is too much for your wife, and it's easier for her to react to the one who is relatively well. I'd also note that people can get very particular about coffee anyway, probably because of the habit-forming properties of caffeine.

Reply
  • Jan84 said:
    Any thoughts ??

    This is quite complex. I've just skimmed a little on Reactive Attachment Disorder, and it was originally associated with failure to thrive, which I know can be found in other primates (having a soft toy in infancy apparently mitigates development of symptoms, but not a hard or metallic toy, and there are other reasons to think it's associated with not being held or hugged; BTW I'd agree this is a cruel animal experiment). It seems RAD is mostly diagnosed in children and adult diagnosis is problematic.

    I experience similar 'not showing emotions and I'm not comfortable with hugs, praise etc'. I've often thought of it as shyness or embarrassment when it comes to relationships and although I eventually overcame it to an extent, it affected me quite badly (Although I want affection, my sense when someone shows it to me has always been: you don't want to connect with me, or I can't connect in the same way, or there's nothing inside to connect with). Have you checked your 'attachment style' (one place you can is here)? Mine is 'preoccupied'.  The symptoms you describe as related to RAD could be an autistic feature - yet another online quiz shows a neurodivergent 'relationship' profile associated with 'intimacy problems'.

    So is it possible you could subsume this 'RAD' under autism? It's the nature and nurture debate all over again. Among aspies I've met, there are a higher number of people who as children were adopted or abused or neglected or lost parents than I might expect - it's not scientific and maybe this perception is partly because autistic people in trying to understand themselves talk about a traumatic childhood more, but I question the distinction between 'lifelong' and 'acquired'.

    The coffee example you say you 'know it hurts her because of [her father]'. I have to say that I'm dubious. If you lead off with some criticism of something someone is doing out of generosity and caring, that can hurt someone regardless of their personal history. To be blunt, it seems to me your need to have something done in what you see as the sensible way is more related to a stereotypical Asperger autistic profile, and being more tentative could help your relationship. On the other hand, people have a limited capacity for being criticised, and it may be that having it come from two directions is too much for your wife, and it's easier for her to react to the one who is relatively well. I'd also note that people can get very particular about coffee anyway, probably because of the habit-forming properties of caffeine.

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