Jealousy - Do you feel it? Do you understand it?

Yes I don't really get jealousy either 

Greetings, all, especially DragonCat16. I do like the way that this Thread is turning out. DC16, I would quote you, but it would be all of it: substitute the word "Math" for Art or English, and this is what happened/happens to myself also. 

I am not sure of the word: ...it feels like "Jealousy" yet more like INJUSTICE...? I am excellent in a lot of things, but my life (so far) is so weird, that most picked up upon things, and do not allow me to do that thing, and so they can say that they are "better at" it, but only because I am not allowed to show what I myself can do.

But as you say, if others do that thing, then it is fine. (Hence my UserName!) This is so weird. (And not fair.)   ...

Through this thread I think I at last recognise my jealousy. However I am left with a question. As long as you don’t harm or abuse anyone, as long as the jealousy is only sadness with no action. No desire to level things up. What is wrong with feeling jealous? Who doesn’t ever feel jealous?

I got picked last for the teams every time even though I was pretty good at sports and one of the fastest runners in the school (probably because I was always having to run away from bullies). I won math contests all the time too but nobody cared, not even the teachers.

I thought I'd like to be admired and especially respected, so I used to try to show that I was good at some things, but that was probably taken as showing off. I have admired others that are better than me at something too, and I try to emulate them and learn from them if I can. I only get jealous when everybody admires someone else for something even though I can do it better. That is especially true when I've put a lot of effort into it and the other person isn't really all that good, but just more popular.

Most of the time, it's like I don't exist, and nobody notices how hard I work. I'm always first on everyone's list for criticism, though. It's so frustrating sometimes. Maybe they're all jealous.....

In that case I get jealous to the sadness level. Like being sad and mortified when at school they chose their teams for games and two or three were left over at the end.  The usual ones. Me included. Mind you, I WAS useless! I wouldn’t have wanted someone else to be removed from a team to make room for me though. I was so useless that would have been doubly mortifying!! 

So there must be levels of jealousy. As to showing off, I’m never clear if someone is consciously showing off, until they reach goading or bullying mode. At least school was a LONG time ago. I’m rather nervous of displaying anything I’m happy with, or something I’m pleased to have made. If others hold back too, it’s really a shame. 

I think that's actually a good description of jealousy, although it can be more than sadness, it can become anger. 'The green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on', as Othello was warned. It's really something as innocent as a need for affection yourself... jealousy can be a type of envy when wanting the affections of a particular person for yourself.

The people I've known who have got very jealous, irrationally jealous, when in a relationship have all been non-autistic. Maybe you just feel secure? I think when I've been jealous, it's usually been when single, on the outside of a relationship looking in.

I'm not sure I like people to show off too much, not if it might really make other people feel inadequate or envious.

Hi Xanadu. I don’t get the differences between jealousy, envy and just being sad that someone else gets a hug or smile that you would love to receive too. It’s not like you want whatever it is to someone else’s detriment. It’s a kind of empty, perhaps rueful? realisation that you missed out. Like with a parent, not a partner. Not an exclusive one to one relationship. Also it would be great to be able to share good news. It’s no more showing off than when anyone else does it. Some people seem to have double standards. I like to hear their good news too. So share it! Life is too depressing to only hear bad news. 

Yes that is very unfair.  I was also always left until last and no one ever wanted to be my partner.  I was also never picked for teams!! I now know I have Dyspraxia - so it's no wonder!!

Some of this stuff is so unfair!!  School can be very tough for us.

Yes I do think bragging and jealousy is connected!  This is why it goes right above my head.  

I think that jealousy and showing off are linked, because showing off seems like trying to make other people jealous of yourself. But it might not be intentional, it depends on the circumstances and who is judging.

When I was at school I was very bad at most sports, but good at maths. While I was looked down upon for the sports deficiency (anyone else here had the experience of being left until last every time the class splits up into teams?) I didn't get any social brownie points for the maths because that was seen as "showing off", "teacher's pet", etc) But I wasn't meaning to show off, I was just doing it. I still don't understand the attitude, after all these years.

Thank you and yes your memory serves you very well.  I am indeed mummy to six but changed my username as I thought it was confusing as it made people think I was here to seek advice about children and I'm not!!  I'm here for me!!

Yes my post is a bit confusing (this is what I do - confuse people) It started off about Jealousy and it went on to also be about showing off.  I get the sense that the two things are linked somehow.

You are right you cannot control what other people think.  NT people do seem to attempt to want to do that I think though.  They all seem to smile nicely at each other but could be thinking something entirely different than what the smile on the face suggests.  It's all very dishonest and complicated to me!  If that is normal and I am disordered, then so be it!

Xanadu said:

I don't really get it.  Anyone else?

Greetings from me, Ex-"Mummy-To-Six" if I recall correctly...?

I was going to post stuff, but then I read the full OP (Opening Post). Now I am confused. Is this about "Jealousy" or about "Showing Off"?

In (confused) reply, I would say that "showing-off" is a thing which is not always controlled: E.G. - some people simply EXIST --- and yet upon sight of something about them, other people then become "Jealous". These things are not always stated, or managed... it is very complicated. There is no way to know/manage the feelings of other people, unless you become something like a BFF at them...(!?)

I could give examples, but they might not apply to you and so may be misunderstood.... But, Good Luck anyway.    

I can identify with that totally even though I don't feel jealousy I do feel anxiety about losing my husband.  I think that has eased up the longer we've been together but now you mention it I do remember feeling a lot of that when we were first together.

Is it partly due to the fact that seldom do “get us” so we cling on tightly to those that do?

I've been married twice and my ex husband used to cheat on me.  I put up with it for years but I wonder if that is because I didn't love him any more anyway.  I think I have got jealous once over my second husband who I adore but it was very short lived. We've been together for ten years.   I have plenty of other negative stuff going on though - so maybe I was spared the jealousy gene :O 

I get the problem with separating my intention from others’ perception, definitely! I run into that particular problem all the time.

I do feel jealousy and possessiveness though. I used to have real problems with it (especially in relationships) but I have managed to train myself out of a lot of it over the last several years as I do recognise that it’s unhelpful as emotions go. :/