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Pushing friends and family away

Icylady

New lady here with two questions, thanks.

Hi. I am 49 and only recently got diagnosed with high-functioning Asperger Syndrome (ASD). I always knew I was different, mainly because of intense stimming for 30-45 minutes every day, on my own, from the age of 5.

Up to the age of 30, I always tried to fit in. But it was a struggle for me, even with my large extended family. Parties, office functions, birthdays, Christmas etc – was like hell for me. Only alcohol would get me through.

I was lucky in some ways. Got a successful career (in database analysis) and married a lovely understanding man. But from 30-40 I pulled up the drawbridge, stopped calling friends and family back, always made excuses etc. I just wanted to be on my own, with my husband and pets. 

Now with this new found knowledge, I finally understand why I cut myself off from everyone. Not to mention my stimming. It was a huge weight off.

Sorry, finally I get to my two questions:

Is it normal to push away family? 

They used to invite themselves to my house and I would freak out. I always would get out of family functions. I had to resort to picking fights / rants etc. just so they would leave me alone. 

So now estranged, I finally told my mother. She is a total narcissist and now loves the fact that my ASD is the cause of my distance and not “her” or her other confident and narcissist kids. I always struggled with my siblings. 

But now it is out there, they now all want to rally around and help me and get together. But how do I tell them I still just want to be left alone?

Thanks

  • in reply to Cassandro

    Thanks Cassandra for the name tip!  They are all so wrapped up with own lives, trying to explain the vast field of ASD is probably impossible.  Plus that don't really care.  As usual - it is all about them.  

  • Icylady said:
    It is normal to push away family?

    I'd say it's more usual than not for autistic people to need more alone time, or not feel able to express themselves around their families, or be too absorbed to be interested in them. A historically poor relationship with family members can also put anyone, autistic of NT, off making the first contact, although taking social initiative may be particularly difficult for autistic people.

    Icylady said:
    how do I tell them I still just want to be left alone?

    Can you get them to recognise autism as an intrinsic and permanent part of your personality and to be respected? Probably difficult – they're in the habit of treating you a particular way. Who find it easiest to communicate with? Or least difficult? Are there any in-laws or mutual friends who you've had common cause with and can be a bridge? Might you be open to re-connecting on different terms in future?

    By the way, welcome to the forums. You may want to change your username or profile picture from the default 'NAS3nnnn' so other forum participants can distinguish you from a bot. Just go to the round image up the top right of the page, click 'Profile' and then 'Edit Profile'.