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Hello...

NAS38170

Firstly, this feels strange! I've just registered on a website to discuss my feelings with complete strangers... this would never happen face to face in my world.

I've always felt different, but in my opinion, not in a bad way. I like being in my world, I like doing things the way I do it, I just don't like being pulled out of it. Not sure what that means, but it makes a lot more sense when it happens. "Why do I feel anxious in normal situations?", "why do I feel the need to leave certain situations?" What's this feeling I feel when my I'm thrown into chaos not of my own doing?" I'm not really sure what I'm trying to describe either.

Just over a year ago, I watched a TV programme about this guy dealing with Autism. The guy was me.... well not actually me if you know what I mean. It was like watching a version of myself in someone else's body. Every little trait and anxiety he dealt with everyday I could relate to. "Am I Autistic?" That's the question that kept going around my head the whole time I was watching, and from that day I've convinced myself that I might just be on the spectrum...... I've had these feelings for years without understanding why they are there.

I am 47 years old and married. I've carried these thoughts now for over a year without telling anyone close to me. I've self assessed online, answered honestly and always scored high enough. Should I see a GP? Do I need to? Would my wife understand if I just told her what I was thinking? Would my sudden moods all make sense to her?
It doesn't exactly ruin my life, it just seems to make it a lot harder. If I've had a particularly stressful day, I just want to go home, do my own thing and shut myself off from the world.

I just don't know what to do with it!!

  • The way I look at it is that we all get born with a certain set of traits and potentials within a given environment.  Now, rather like unpacking a brand new, very powerful PC, we have endless opportunities to use this potential in whatever way we wish. The difference, however, between using a PC and unlocking our own abilities is that with a new bit of technology we have an instruction manual with which to guide us as to how it is supposed to work and what it can and cannot do. Human beings don't come with an instruction manual and it is up to us to try to discover as much information about ourselves as possible, i.e. to try to 'know thyselves' and in doing so come to know how our 'operating systems' work, in terms of what limitations we have as well as what strengths we possess. By finally accepting your personality you will be in a much better position to 'manage' the way you interact with the world as well as with yourself and, hopefully, avoid the many unpleasant experiences of people on the spectrum who do not even know why they act and feel the way they do. It can only be a positive step in finding out what makes you tick because that way, you are prepared for the many challenging situations life throws at us. It won't makes things perfect but it will allow you insight into why things seem as they are.  

  • I can not tell you what is best for you, only you can decide that. What I will say is this, I am 45, I am on my second marriage and have a lovely teenage daughter by my first marriage. I had suspicions for a while, but I only looked into it when my wife and I had a disagreement and I was convinced she was autistic. I persuaded her to take the test and I did it too, turned out it was me that is on the spectrum and not her. So after much thought I went for a formal diagnosis, has that helped me, yes and no. It explains some of my behaviours, mannerisms and why I get upset so easily. However, it can also be a burden, as as it becomes too easy to blame things on autism when it is not. It can also be used against one in some circumstances. So I am grateful I was able to get a diagnosis, I am still adjusting to to full result, it is on my medical file so people know. However, it does take energy to deal with the mental burden, to deal with the things that have happened because of it but one did not know at the time that was the reason. It explains so much of ones life but that requires processing. 

    As for who you tell, I started off being reasonably careful who I told then in the end got fed u of that and published an article on LinkedIn about it, and just saif metaphorically "F**K Everyone". It is difficult to know what the right thing to do is, whether to tell ones spouse and friends. Personally I often find discussing things on here is a good start and my advice, for what it's worth, is get an official diagnosis quietly and privately, then decide what to do next based on its result. If that is difficult to do on your own, then explain to your wife that you think you might be and show her the results and ask her for her support when you go to the doctors.

    Sorry for rambling, having a few issues of my own at the moment. My article can be found at: www.linkedin.com/.../