I have an official diagnosis recently. Since 2.5 years I have been separated and think that it will be great. it's not bad, I somehow take over situations, I have only a small problem with myself ...demons appeared ... fear, memory loss on the stress background, as soon as I enter the group I start to behave like a child in the fog .. the worst is from last year ... I came up with the idea of a volunteer, since it gets along with the doctors or school, this idea that maybe I will try ... after half a year I stopped, because I behaved like in depression, I could not normally speak etc .. in the meantime I started studying .. in the social department - education, working with children ... think that since the last 19 years care kids, I could go on, maybe I would go on ... it went even worse ... I forgot my name on the exam ... I go to Holland with my children for the holiday, I cant sleep... I would best swap myself in stone ...
does not show my feelings to anyone, especially children ... I feel terrible ... today I thought to go back to ex, because it would give me some stabilization, it was not wonderful with him, but I did not have such flights, as now ... I feel that if I do not do something, I fall down and I do not up ... trace my inner strength, I have no motivation ... I feel like I'm extinguishing
Sorry to hear you're going through a hard time. If you have coped better in the past, you probably will again in the future. Do you feel like you are out of practice (or 'rusty') in talking to people? Do you think you are more isolated than you want to be?
There are probably techniques to help with your memory and training to help you in work (paid or unpaid). I hope you find some good support, whether from friends, family or professionals.
how I talk with someone 1: 1 is ok, somehow it works ... but in a very social group, I disappear, I can do nothing ... I behave as if I fell from the moon ... especially as someone starts to talk to me....generally I have great memory ... but because of stress I forget everything ...as for isolation ... it is just the opposite ...is a lot of socialization..
another probelm that I always did everything myself and I felt good about it in a squat ... but the last two years have gone over me, because I had to go out to the people and I can not do it myself anymore .. I do not know how to explain it ...
I think I understand. Autistic people tend to find 1:1 and more formal things easier. So now you're being expected to assert yourself in big groups? Was it some kind of teaching assistant role you were trying?
I can only suggest (out of my hat ideas) to take a friend or advocate to social groups; or try groups of three or four to learn the dynamics.
something like that, working in a community, etc ...
I do not have friends ... now I'm making strength in the group and social on uni, but it's so loose, not personal..I want to try this direction, think that it will strengthen me, and vice versa ...but I get back to the demons and they eat me and I do not have inner strength, as I used to defend myself ... they are too strong, or I am so weak ..
so I sit and think what to do, I'm looking for ideas to help myself :-)
Thnank you for you answer :-)
There has to be a balance between thinking and action (as the Scottish philosopher David Hume found in his own life). Can you say more about the demons? Would you call them more metaphorical or physical? It sounds like you are finding a way through, and that may involve finding your sources of strength.
probably physical ... this is real fear ... eg: I am afraid to drive away from home, I can not go to bridges, I do not go to meetings of large groups, memory loss ... where I have memory like FBI :-), sometimes I drive a car and I feel like I was in a lethargy, I do not like to show feelings, I do not talk about me, I do not like someone too close, etc. and now I've come to university .. I have a different point of view, I often disagree with the rest .... no I like talking with someone face to face, especially how something depends on it ... since last summer holidays I'm out of the house, and earlier I've only spent the night at home ... but it's probably the worst going away from home and being in the group ... he pretends that he is ok and then he gets sick..this is a strange feeling, he has never been so bad before ... I made myself chaotic, I'm fine, I'm wrong, I can not put my thoughts etc. .. my world has been demolished, actually I destroyed it myself and I can not get rid of it ..
even what I wrote, it seems chaotic and pointless. I always had everything arranged, now there is chaos, it frightens me..