Imposter Syndrome

I am an adult with ASD. When I was 13 I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and Tourettes Plus, then hospitalised and faced with many different diagnoses, medications and also at once point forced into care when a doc decided I was just a bad child and everything was behaviour issues. That was pretty traumatic. In recent years I had a really bad nervous breakdown trying to live independently with no support, assuming that whatever diagnoses I had were all wrong, and that I was in fact fine. Going back to the psych was 'well of course, you have ASD. You need ASD support', which for me was a huge relief and took a lot of grief and guilt away from the traumas I had experienced as a child going through the system. I really agree with the diagnosis, it explains a lot about me and also about my childhood. I went through, and still occasionally experience a period of 'imposter syndrome' but I have since made a lot of progress and learned a lot more about my behaviours, my limits, things I struggle to understand and things I am sensitive to.

More recently I have had problems with my partner and with my family because of my meltdowns, anxiety, and problems understanding things. I decided it would be a good idea to see a specialist (there are no specialists in my local area that I can see for support, and no Autism-specific interventions/therapies I can access). At over £100 per session it is not cheap but I thought it would be good to have the advice of a specialist and maybe some recommendations on what therapies or interventions I should try to access in the future.   

We talked about how my meltdowns manifest, triggers, and the positive active and calming ways of dealing with things and redirecting focus. I was given some breathing, presence and calming exercises to practise when I recognise stress and tension building up.

When we were talking about those high stress, pre meltdown moments the doctor saying ‘whether you are autistic or not, these things happen, and the thing is with you you go into this deep internal monologue, and you have to stop that’ seemed to trigger a complete downward spiral.

It made me feel like all the times the doctors said it was just me and my bad behaviour and that if I just learned my way out of it I would be normal again. Those times where I felt like it's just that I wasn't working hard enough and I could just be normal and fine if I tried. It all kind of came rushing back to me. Like deep down maybe I am not Autistic, these are all just learned behaviours to keep me safe from having to come to terms with the fact that I am so bad and broken. That if I just work really hard and learn other mechanisms, I would be normal. Which means a lot more work than accepting I am just Autistic, but having to accept that I am inherently broken and starting from scratch once again to unlearn all the learned behaviours, and learn to be a normal functioning person. What if I am in denial that I am just really an inherently bad, broken person and it will be a long road to being really truthfully normal and functional. Maybe accepting I am Autistic is just the easy way out, and that is my problem, that I just always took the easy way out and never faced up to things, and everything would get better if I just faced up to the fact that I am really some screwed up psychopath that should probably be locked up away from everybody.

Can anybody offer any advice? Has anybody experienced similar doubts or thoughts?

Parents
  • I experienced similar types of thoughts (many years ago) prior to my ASD diagnosis, but since my diagnosis I think ASD explains things better than me being 'broken', 'inherently bad', or 'just not trying hard enough'. You say that you too feel that ASD explains things more fully for you so I wouldn't start second guessing it again now. Especially as, in agreement with lostmyway, I don't think that's what your Doctor meant to imply. 

    It does seem overly simplistic for him to say "you have to stop that" but if he's also offering coping strategies on how to recognise your destructive thoughts for what they are, then maybe he meant for you to try the strategies rather than believing these destructive thoughts about yourself?

    Maybe he meant that destructive thoughts happen "whether you are autistic or not" rather than expressing doubt about your ASD diagnosis? That's how it sounded to me anyway but it's easier for me to say that as a third party than it would be if I were in the room with the Doctor at the time, because I too tend to overthink my conversations and interactions with people to the point of exhaustion sometimes - and THAT I believe is an ASD trait. 

    I have occasionally thought, re. some of my ASD traits, 'Just TRY' or 'Just DO IT' when I've been frustrated at myself but once I've calmed down a bit I realise that 'Just' isn't that simple. If it were 'Just' a matter of trying harder then I wouldn't have been diagnosed with ASD at all. It takes a long time to work out what ASD means to each of us as individuals, I'm still at the start of that process and I think maybe you are too. I've no idea how long it takes but I do think the first step is accepting it and ourselves. I'm still trying to do that but it's certainly easier than all of those years I believed I was somehow 'broken' or 'wrong'.  

  • think ASD explains things better than me being 'broken', 'inherently bad', or 'just not trying hard enough'.

    Very true Endymion and also 'imposter syndrome' is an apt way to explain to others how you identify with yourself.  They key is that being in the treadmill of a largely NT world I constantly feel like an imposter and rarely feel that I "fit" or am good enough.

    I am being to identify that I am not an imposter to others, but an imposter having hid my TRUE self for so long.

    It is a sad fact that we seem hard wired to prove our worth by comparing ourselves to others.....society must start celebrating that everyone is unique and everyone has something to offer.... Progress cannot happen if we are all exactly alike.

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  • think ASD explains things better than me being 'broken', 'inherently bad', or 'just not trying hard enough'.

    Very true Endymion and also 'imposter syndrome' is an apt way to explain to others how you identify with yourself.  They key is that being in the treadmill of a largely NT world I constantly feel like an imposter and rarely feel that I "fit" or am good enough.

    I am being to identify that I am not an imposter to others, but an imposter having hid my TRUE self for so long.

    It is a sad fact that we seem hard wired to prove our worth by comparing ourselves to others.....society must start celebrating that everyone is unique and everyone has something to offer.... Progress cannot happen if we are all exactly alike.

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