Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
So ive been very run down lately , questioning my life, whT im doing, im not coping well with certain aspects but its been just bubbiling under the servjce where i can feel im depressed but in functioning.
Today however i was sent over the edge , plans that had been madr where cancelled and i couldnt xope with the unexpected change, let down and financial implication.
This sebt me into an emotional pit / panic. I then began to rage and started punching my head and digging flesh out of my arm.woth my nails.
This is a more extreme freak out for me that has happrned before but i never put it down to possibly a melt down/ autism thing as ive only jyst been diagnosed.
Is this possuble or am i just unstable? Does anypne else have these more violent episodes and how can i cause myself less harm?
On a weird note the head punching and flesh pinching calms me down
I know it must concern you but it does sound like something along those lines. I've overloaded before and done worse. I had a particularly intense situation a few years ago and stuck a fork into my forehead several times. I also got into an argument with someone on a particularly stressful and overloady day and shoved a fork deep into my arm. Both times it wasn't even a thing I thought about doing, it was totally out of the blue, purely reflex. It was purely coincidental that it was a fork, lol. I was eating both times, so that was why. It was the first thing I could grab. I've also punched myself in the face so many times I can't remember. I feel the pressure building up and before I know it I've got a cut over my eye or a split lip.
Also with the flesh pinching thing I tend to dig my nails into my hand if I'm getting to the point where I start to feel the overload getting too much.
I know your concern, I don't consider myself a self harmer by a long stretch. I think the pain distracts me from having a complete panic attack. It sort of draws my mind back into my body. There are solutions however. These are called "destructive stims" and there are ways around them. If you can try and identify stims that have the same effect but aren't destructive. I didn't even know about stimming until I was diagnosed. I squeeze the top of my head until I feel better, it doesn't harm me but slowly stops the pressure. I squeeze my cauliflower ear too. I sniff vinegar ( *** that sounds weird). I also get an ice pack and hold it onto my head or in my hands until I get a dull pain, but only if I really need to feel something painful. It's not ideal but it works. You might find some stims that don't involve pain at all though. You just need to identify stims that work for you.
I felt a bit embarrassed telling you all of that myself but we can't start smashing ourselves to pieces! You aren't unstable, don't worry! You just haven't found out strategies to not reach that point and if you do how to relieve the pressure. You might find a totally nice stim. All the best!