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Not sure who i am any more

Song
over 5 years ago

Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago,, (aged 51 female for those that don't know me) I'm not sure who i am. I have struggled always, masked most of the time an had catastrophic mental health problems but also raised a family of 5 children got a degree and held a professional job for 20 years untill i became too ill.

I don't know how to be me. How to not mask, I can do all of nothing, mask or curl up in a ball. Stay in bed or up but I'm my nighty or go out and be that ever coping mother/ house wife etc. This is not working for me it messed with my head being the super masked woman, I need to not be her, but how do I be someone else that isn't just a fat blob in a bed rocking.

I'm NOT feeling suicidal at the moment, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of point to it all. 

How do I become me?

Parents
  • over 5 years ago

    Hi, as a 51 year old female diagnosed 6 months ago I totally know how you feel.  I also have a professional job, 2 kids and and been quietly trying not to go crazy for the last six months to trying to make sense of it.  It will get better.  Read everything you can about autism and/or Aspergers and adult diagnosis - it feels good to realise other people felt just like you and they maybe felt as bad as you do now but got through it.  Tell someone because you will need someone to share all your rapidly changing thoughts with but remember even if they are supportive they won't get it because to them nothing actually happened to you, you are still the same person.  I've been writing and drawing every crazy thought to help me make sense of it to make into a zine for anyone else at the beginning of the journey.  Not that I think I'm at the end but I don't think there are many more feelings left to feel.  There's nothing wrong with lying on a bed rocking sometimes if you are thinking about how you can actually to be a person.  It might take days of lying and sitting in corners and thinking and thinking and thinking.  Maybe after this you won't be the old you but you can be a different you, a better you that understands yourself more.

Reply
  • over 5 years ago

    Hi, as a 51 year old female diagnosed 6 months ago I totally know how you feel.  I also have a professional job, 2 kids and and been quietly trying not to go crazy for the last six months to trying to make sense of it.  It will get better.  Read everything you can about autism and/or Aspergers and adult diagnosis - it feels good to realise other people felt just like you and they maybe felt as bad as you do now but got through it.  Tell someone because you will need someone to share all your rapidly changing thoughts with but remember even if they are supportive they won't get it because to them nothing actually happened to you, you are still the same person.  I've been writing and drawing every crazy thought to help me make sense of it to make into a zine for anyone else at the beginning of the journey.  Not that I think I'm at the end but I don't think there are many more feelings left to feel.  There's nothing wrong with lying on a bed rocking sometimes if you are thinking about how you can actually to be a person.  It might take days of lying and sitting in corners and thinking and thinking and thinking.  Maybe after this you won't be the old you but you can be a different you, a better you that understands yourself more.

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