Published on 12, July, 2020
Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago,, (aged 51 female for those that don't know me) I'm not sure who i am. I have struggled always, masked most of the time an had catastrophic mental health problems but also raised a family of 5 children got a degree and held a professional job for 20 years untill i became too ill.
I don't know how to be me. How to not mask, I can do all of nothing, mask or curl up in a ball. Stay in bed or up but I'm my nighty or go out and be that ever coping mother/ house wife etc. This is not working for me it messed with my head being the super masked woman, I need to not be her, but how do I be someone else that isn't just a fat blob in a bed rocking.
I'm NOT feeling suicidal at the moment, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of point to it all.
How do I become me?
So is it not unreasonable of me to curl up and switch the world off?
Song said:is it not unreasonable of me to curl up and switch the world off?
Why would it be unreasonable?
If you catch a dose of flu, you spend a day or two in bed, until you've beaten the virus.
There is no autism virus to beat.
It sounds to me like you could be having an identity crisis? You are going through a process of realignment as your sense of reality of self shifts, in light of your diagnosis. In a sense you are grieving the loss of the fictional person you thought you were.
I can relate to many of the things you describe, though it sounds like you have been more successful at life than I.
With time you will find a new self that you can accept. Why make life difficult? Use your knowledge of yourself to make the rest of your life less troublesome.